Dream Works ... III

Before i begin, i must confess i have a fews fears. Some major phobeas. I have a couple of issues that are created when I am stressed (obsessive compulsions). Of my fears, I am scared of clowns and roaches, among a ton of other things. Those are the ones that are important here. The clown thing is not only because they are scary and ugly but they contribute to my fear analysis. Yes i have actually sat down and analyzed my fears (not by a professional or anything .. just my own thoughts) .. and only so i can try to over come them. (I dont like mascots, I dont like mimes, i prefer to talk in person than on the phone, and all of these are symtoms of having issues with people who are not who they pretend to be ............ hiding their true self ....... like clowns).

Roaches .. well they are just gross. They get into everything and .. eeewwwww.

Dream 1

On the night of August 29th I had a dream that really freaked me out.

As it begins I am walking in the food court looking for lunch. We are work and all of my friends and my sister are getting lunch and meeting at a group of tables to eat. I go to the cafeteria and there is nothing that i want. I go to McDonalds and they are closed with chains onthe doors. I look around and there is a bakery in the center of the room. i walk over and order a muffin and a bottle of water. As i wait i look towards the table to my friends and one of my friends is dressed as a clown. I am trying to figure out which friend it is. I recognize my sister and a few other people but i cant recall who the clown is. I get my muffin and water and was charged 18 bucks. i put the water back and just take the muffin and still paid 9 bucks for it. I walk to the table still trying to figure out who the clown is. She stands right beside me as i approach the table. The group starts to joke and laugh, the clown just stands to my right staring at me. She/He never talks or even laughs.

I wake up wonderin who the clown is.

Dream 2

Night of August 30th, i walked into my childhood bedroom and notice all the furniture was the same as back when i was young. Preparing for bed i turned off the light. I hear some noises and turn the light on again.. the walls are bare. i grab a flashlight equipt with a blue light and glance around the room. It is only with the special light that i can see the roaches on the wall. They are normal roaches but i notice they all have a white stripe painted on them. I start to kill them but without the help of the special light it is impossible to see. So i can only see one spot of the wall at a time. It seems that the roaches are in groups of three as i can tell, and a few of them are single. I move along the room killing these painted roaches. When they start getting bigger and bigger. Their bodies are covered in white paint and have blue and red colored stripes and dots on them. I am aware that they are painted up like clowns.

I finally got to the last roach and i realize that this one is the biggest of them all and even flying towards me. It misses me and lands on the wall. the body is completely white with big red dots and blue stripes on the wings. I attemt to kill it when it flies off the wall and towards my neck. It lands on me and crawls into my shirt.

That is when i woke up short of breath and completely freaked out. I could actually feel it crawling on me. I was even beginning to sweat.

I don't really know what to think of these dreams yet but i am pretty sure that the clown painting in both dreams is significant and the numbers could play a role is the meaning of each or both of these dreams.

"An' I'm 50!!"

So A came over the other night to catch up on things. Hadn't spoken to him since the party. He brought along D who i suppose was there to back up his side of the story. He asked if I was still mad or if i had had time to think about things. I said well there is nothing to think about my only question is, was the hit because he was gay? He said -- No it was not.
He then proceeded to tell me that he asked Bfriend to stop and that he was 'uncomfortable with two guys making out and if they wanted to hang out just to cool it for a bit'. Bfriend turned to him and said "fuck you i dont want to stop and tough if your uncomfortable by it".
A walked away to tell me what was going on .. (this part of the story i already knew) but then told me that when he returned he felt disrespected and Bfriend was wanting to fight.
So he hit him.
He then said, "Look, you know that im not the type of person to start fucking around in front of people if i want to start hooking it up i go to a more private place, i expect that if there are other people who want to hook up they can go to a more private place". He continued ... "maybe im ol school i just think that its only out of respect to go to a more private place to do your bussiness".
A is like that .. but i responded, "yea cause your like a whole 7 months older than me right? so ol' school?"
He continued in the most serious voice i have ever heard from him, "girl, Im old .... Im fifty ... (long pause) and i can kick (and he kicks)" (I love Molly Shannon)
and i laughed and laughed .. .. OMG .. i was not expecting that .. I laughed until i cried...
He came over knelt in front of me .. and said he was sorry ..
We hugged .. and at that moment i knew our friendship could not end.
I just cant be without him. He is everything to me right now .. and has been for so long.
He is the one that can make me laugh the way he does, and even cry the way that he does. So we spent the night talking and watching movies. It was great.

Oh .. the drama

so off to game night and thought all was fine. Wrong! One of the members of the other team decides he would talk shit about us. Our score keeper was a cheater, we didn't beat them, we simply got lucky. And well ... that pissed off the members of our team. Pissed me off because the score keeper on their team was actually cheating me on my game. I had to correct him a number of times and there were quite a few rounds i didnt catch his mistakes. I still won.
He lossed his first game and decides to say, "well you didnt beat me, i had a sorry partner."
A sorry partner? Oh i bet that made his team feel good. So F got rowdy and started talking shit back. Oh what a night. Sorry part it wasnt just distracting to the dumbass but it distracted us all. We still won the night, but it came with a price. We should have gotten more quality and ended the night sooner.
The night ended with dumbass saying, "well u might have won the night, but we are still in 1st place"
"What? Have you seen the standings? Your in 5th? two behind us!" (okay so we are in third .. but only behind by 10 games ... we can still come up on top)
He looked shocked, "but how is that we are undefeated!"
I laughed and i laughed ... he stared at me blankly, "so not only did we beat your ass .. you are no longer undefeated and you lost to girls ... !!"
he shook his head. Then my brothers joined in the teasing. "Undefeated and still not number 1 .. how is that possible?"
Dumbass asked me to explain. "Well how many games are you winning a night? if its just 8 to 7 .. and another team is winning 12 to 3 .. well the 12 games are going to add up a whole lot faster than the 8 games. Even if they have lost a night or two. If they lose only by one game its not hurting them. Like when we win, it normally 11 t0 4 .. or 14 to 1, so we have lost a night or two ... but only by one or two games... So our wins are higher than your wins. Its not about how many nights you win .. its how many games you win."
another blank stare. I think he finally realized that talking shit to us didnt work.
So they left the bar ... left our team to settle things.
Brother mentioned how F being rowdy was a distraction to us all .. that sent F into a rage. They got into it .. i stood by with the rest of the team waiting .. Other brother stepped into it and started with the rage. I waited ... i agreed .. it was a distraction .. i waited to say my peace.
my sis-in-law made the comment that i didnt have to right to say anything. Excuse me? how do i not have the right to say anything? We are a team? she said well this is between them .. and looked at her .. and said, "yea .. im not getting between them .. i waiting to say something once they are done." She says, "once they are done .. its done."
Bull shit ..
so we got into it .. finally i just said "fuck it!" turned walked away. Leaving her mid-sentence.
It was a stupid overly dramatic, retarded night.
But at least we won!

I don't know ..

I really don't.
Ever feel like you just want to stop? I mean really, just stop going to work, stop trying to understand. Just Stop.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not depressed or angry or anything... I think i might just be nothing ... okay maybe tired. Tired of the drama here at work. Tired of trying to figure out what everyone means when they say what you want to hear rather than their own thoughts. Tired of people being two-faced, and stupid.
So we are short handed at work. Another girl is needing to trade to days or might have to quit. I am in need of more money (switching to nights) or I might have to quit to get a higher paying job. Going to nights would mean a 20% increase in pay which would help out a great deal. And i would be able to keep my job and possible have a chance to go back to school in the spring. Rather than just allow me and the other girl to switch, the manager is willing risk losing us both and put a hold on schedule changes. At least until things settle down. The problem with that is that we have such a high turn over that things will never settle down.
Then there is so much "she said and she said and then she said....." that noone knows what is really being said and i really dont care anyways. I think it all needs to stop. Can't trust anyone that i work with because I don't know who really said what and why. One reason?? "She" (whoever she happens to be at the moment) said one thing to one person and will turn right around and say something completely different to someone else. Then that someone else goes to another someone else and says, "well she said that you said that i said that she said .. " and its too much for anyone to understand.
I just want to move to nights and get away from the drama (and make more money).
Won't happen, the manager won't allow it which i beleive is the worst decision to make for the department. Even worse is that we are 6 ladies that work here. 6 .... ladies .. shouldn't things run alittle more smoothly? So for that i haven't given much thought on what to blog about... i have a lot of ideas just can't get them straight.

I have a niece ..

woohoo ... a little premature .. but she is cute ..
so she seems in the pics ...
5 lbs and 10 oz....
my lil half sister gave birth on August 17th 3:32 am. Another leo in the family .. that makes 4 now.

I guess I should Explain.

So at the party there was something said by A that made me think that the reason he hit my cousins dude is because he doesn' t like gays. That was one theory of two. The other theory was that dude was saying shit about the military that was pissin off Ton. Ton then complained to A and A asked me to tell dude to quit his shit. I tried... apparently they didnt want me involved so they just told me that it was all cool. Then I heard that Cousin and Dude were huggin on each other when A asked them to quit their shit. Dude wasnt about to back down. I missed the whole thing until A hit Dude. Nice right? well i asked around and noone really knew what happened or why .. but later in the night A made a comment, "damn i have never seen that kind of shit.. it was freaking me out." I looked at A, "What?" "tell me again why you hit him." He never said. I assumed the theory about Dude commenting on the military was right.. but i wasnt sure. Part of me finally clicked and thought that maybe it was because my cousin and his dude were hugging and it freaked out A. And so i havent talked to him.
Didnt think A was a hater. I can only hope that wasnt the reason and some day i will know the truth about what happened. Being stubborn i am not going to call him asking for an explanation which means that i probably will never know.
Another temporary friendship.

haha .. speakin of temporary ... two girls just quit at work....
The old lady and the bitch. Could i finally be free from J? i can only hope.
This week should reveal all the drama and we will find out what happened and why. I am happy and yet i know that because of it i will be filling in for a lot of shifts. That sucks. but more money and for that i cant complain.

damn .. almost a week ..

since my last post... what is up with me? gettin lazy i guess. Maybe just depressed. Okay not really .. but life is starting to suck, or is it just gettin busy? My week is now jam packed with shit to do. Everyday is work from 9 to 5 .. i love those bankers hours. But after work .. it goes something like this.. Monday .. real life. Yea im going again. Turns out that if i really want to change my bad habits, i actually need to do something about it. So i am trying. Tuesday meetings, and then dinner with ma. Wednesday Journy of Faith. I, even with my faults, have been asked to help in the coarse. Thursday is game night .. and Friday is dinner with the family ... but that may be moved to Saturday. Sometime during all that crap is laundry night.
I have not spoken to A since the party, i just can't get myself to think that i can be friends with him if he does have something against gays. He has been totally cool with me, but i have been told by so many people that its different for two chics to be together and so not cool for two dudes to be together. Well its all the same to me and all of my friends are gay. I cannot understand how in todays society he has never come across two homosexual guys. But then again P aslo told me that in all his years he has only known 2 guys that were gay. But his thoughts about gay people is so fucked up. And so is A's. So i dont talk to him any more. :( two years and its done. I need to meet some gay friendly hetrosexuals that i can get along with.
R is still in the dumps. Has yet to get a job, or bathe. I have already done what i could, if he is to come out of the depression it is by his own moves .. no one can make him do it.
No more fishin, apparently Stu is completely offended by me. It happens. I guess. Goes back to different views of life. We all come from different parts of the world.. i guess im from the wrong part of the tracks .. haha
Been working all week .. at work now .. and i still have 5 days before my next day off.
Im tired and can't think ..
P is coming around a little more .. its nice to have him around. Unfortunately is was shipped out of town to work on some wells further down south. Not sure when he will be back again.

For stu ...

"Does it ever feel like you've truly won? Are you ever satisfied? Have you ever filled the emptiness inside of yourself by these conquests? Don't you want someone that loves you, and needs you, and would die for you? I've spent 29 years saving myself for one that I truly love and that loves me, and it's hard as hell, and I often question myself and wonder whether waiting is the right thing to do. I don't ever want to be stuck in the mode where it is a game though, where it has lost it has lost all meaning other than pure pleasure or the challenge of winning. I'm not saying that it's wrong or right, but I know it's not for me. "

Again, that is the difference between obsession and addiction. so maybe a quick view into my life .. in case you ever wonder why i give you shit about stuff...and ask you to not bring up things that i have done, especially when i was drunk .. haha and this is not an attact on you .. i get if from everyone .. every day ..
i get tired..... Im not empty .. i have a full life .. and a great life away from these conquest. but again .. its an addiction. I get pulled into it... i will apologize now since my personality and behavior doesnt always seem that i am fighting this ... i am very sexual in my actions, and behaviors, i joke about it every day .. that is the world we live in ... i am flirty by nature .. and that comes with the territory .. thats just how i am .. ... it doesnt justify my actions .. nor do i make excuses .. i am just one jumbled body of confussion.
When i tell my stories, its not because i am proud. I have stories to tell, things to say, and i laugh about it all, why beacuse this is my life. If i didnt laugh i would go nuts. There is nothing more i can do but accept it and try to change it. I struggle with this .. its an addiction. Not an obsession. I fight it everyday ..i fight the thoughts, the images. If you have ever seen a drug addict trying to get clean. I have the nervous ticks, the shaking, no ability to concentrate. Sexual addiction .. and i mean a true sexual addiction is the second worst addcition to have. and the second hardest to conquer.
I mentioned before, guys see it in me .. they smell it .. more often than not, i get hit on by the most repulsive lines. example... "well i have a couple of hours till i leave town .. wanna go hook it up?" yea that was a line that i got .. didnt even give me his name .. plain and simple .. i could only laugh as i walked away from him. How do i get picked? Before we get to that .. we have to get to how it started.
When i look at you i wonder what memory you will hold dearest in your heart. I wonder what it will be like for you .. you are like a blank canvas ... waiting for your painting... a song waiting to be written. How romantic right?? ..But that is your life .. not mine.
I have no idea when i lost my virginity, who i lost it too and that is something i will never know. I have accepted that. that is were i come from. I grew up in a very gang controlled neighborhood. Im not trying to compare it to the streets of NY or Chicago .. or even houston or dallas.. but the gangs were there. Crack houses on every street, violence surrounds you. Rape was not something most children know but i was fully aware that we were not safe ......... no female was. My friends were raped and so were their mothers, and their sisters. I was not immune to that. It happened. Which plants a fear that no child should know. sadder note, it didnt begin there. I was already molested by a family member. (understand i dont ask for pity or sadness, i've survived. i knew how. I have already forgiven him and moved on, i hold no grudges, or hate in my heart.) so by the age of 12 .. maybe even 11 i became aware that i need to be protected. Was it crypts or bloods, oddly enough i was protected by both, as long as i gave it up. I had a fear of getting raped again, than fear controlled me. I figured that if i gave it up willingly i would not be raped. I was wrong. I was controlled by both sides. Lucky for me, the head of the neighborhood had his "men" protect me from anyone else who tried to take me. So i only had to deal with 4 guys... yea ... 4. I've looked into the barrel of guns, and even shot in the back ... luckily not fetal it was a pussy gun. But for my protection i was fully sexually active by 13.
by the time i was 16 i was also attacted by some old bastard. luckily my dude came in and got me out before anything happed. (if you ever read my 1st entries this would have been at the church being attacted by the youth group leader) My dude, in brown and proud. another leader. (i could have come out a whole lost worst, but i was not allowed to try drugs because that would effect my looks) and to this day the only drug i do is weed. but that is my doing ..
im not sure how i wasnt killed for being with rival gangs, lucky i guess. at 18 i was allowed out of all that shit. (its pretty crazy that as fucked up as it all was, my education and my health was priority to everyone involved. I was kept from finding out about drugs, and fights, I was kept away from the worst of it all) What started out as fear was now the beginning of an addiction. By that time i was sleeping with 4 guys, every day .. 7 days a week. (again... im not proud.) Just my way of surviving. Would it be odd to say that even then i was faithful to the men in my life. but it was no longer fear controlling my actions .. it was a need ..
then i fell in love, and got raped again... this time from my fiance. funny how things work .. and why? because i was too damn tired to give it up to him, so he took it, pushing the blade of a box cutter into my throat. some fuckers out there only see me as a sex object. how odd right?
I've always been told that once a victim always a victim...i think its more that there is a look in my eyes. The look of need is there .. need turned into what i am now ..
The way that i smile gives it off. i think that there is a stamp on me. at least there was. I dont see myself as a victim by any means .. again i dont want pity .. nor do i try to justify why i am the way i am ... i know what it is .. guys look at me and know .. they see sex .. and that is almost all that they see ..
I fight it everyday .. there is something that goes off in me .. i dont know how to explain it .. but its like a switch and that is when i cant hold back ... i end up hooking it up with someone .. just to get off .. as fucked up as it is .. that is why i have close "buddies" because i am actually fighting off the urge to fuck some noone from some back hole bar ... i dont go into chat rooms, i dont go to clubs, and only bars on game night .. I try to leave as soon as im done, i do fight it.
but for right now it controlls me .. oddly enough .. im not empty .. i have found love .. at 23 i was married to an amazing guy .. things dont work out .. and its fine.. i have been in love a few times.. and its been great... but to tell you the truth.... .. nothing hurts more than a friend that constantly asking for sexual stories, or to hear about kinky things i have done.. or something along that line. ...
i have more to offer this world ....................
so should you wait? i cant say .. i wish i had ... i wish i had that memory .. the one that is suppose to be everything to a person...
Your decision... but if you want to know .. you are the taboo in my life .. i will not taint that .. not the way that i am now ..
now its all laid out ... and i only ask that this is never talked about either .. if you still wanna talk to me .. hahaha
i dont like to dwell on the past ..

Happy Birthday TO ME!!!

woohoo ... 29 ... set the scene, full moon, harvest moon that looks like a ball of fire.
John, leans over to me... "you better watch out tonight .. that fire is going to get into everyone here". "What?" i ask, He tells me .. "your a leo, your going to be raging tonight .. maybe even roaring with that full moon, and that fire is going to effect everyone tonight .. so just be careful". I laugh .. .i dont believe in that kind of crazyness. but the moon was beautiful.
and as for the party ,.. .. well if anything could have gone wrong.... IT ALL WENT WRONG!
I had invited about 20 to 25 people ... about 20 people showed up
My cousin had headed out there before me to get things ready. Wood for the fire and BBQ. He calls me up around 9 that his radiator blew. but he found my other friends and was just going to wait till the morning to deal with it.
I get there and start the party. Everyone slowly shows and we begin to drink and have a good time. R ... who brought a bottle of yeager for me ... broke it open and chugged it. He was piss drunk by midnight. Decided to go skinny dipping except that noone new he was naked until he stolled back onto the beach and showing his junk to everyone .. Time for him to pass out. which he did in the back of A's truck. Then there were two itty boppers trying to hit up on A who was mine that night. It was clear to everyone that we were coupled off ... he had his arms all around me and mine all around him .. holding hands and kissing .. its was clear that he was off limits. Well every few minutes the bopper would come to him and ask, "wanna come in the water with me ?" A was like "nope, Im good" while he was hugging me and kissing me. so that went on for about an hour every fuckin 5 minutes .. i was like "really? he isnt going with you".
so my friend K finally had enough of it.
She confronts the bopper and her friend .. "really how old are you two?"
green bopper (cause she was wearing green) says 22. Black bopper says 18. K says .. "okay stop lying your not 22 .. and there is no reason that you have to try to impress anyone here"
green bopper, "I am 22 and i am a bartender at spanky's.... i know how to make a screwdriver and ... (some other lame ass drink that no bartender in their right mind would ever claim to know how to make)
we all laugh
so K says, "either way you two really need help figuring out who is available here ... you are hitting up on the wrong guy. It needs to stop" Me and A look at the boppers and smile .. and then make out. In front of them. Its clear that he is mine .. at least that night.
so they walk away and K laughs .. 5 minutes later .. green bopper comes to him, "wanna come get wet with me?" again his arm on my waist, him mouth on mine, and at that time my hand on his stroking him through his jeans. A looks at me .. i look at him, I tell the girl, "really he is good, not going with you .. you need to stop now and go play with the other kids in the water."
she leaves. later in the night .. A makes a statement about smokin it up .. little boppers jump at the chance, "will you share your weed with us? will you share your STUFF with us?"
I jump in, "okay little ones, his STUFF as you put it, is mine, HIS weed is mine, his stuff is mine, get over it"
A laughs and tells them, "yea girls all my stuff is hers. ALL OF IT" .. we stand by his truck... black bopper tries to sit between me and A and well that was just the last straw. "I know you didnt just fuckin come try to get between me and A, you have not shown me any respect, what the fuck. you need to move your little ass out of this spot, walk around and get in YOUR place." she steps back .. "i didnt mean anything by that.." (i am a true believer that all girls are bitches .. no female does anything unless there is a reason, pretending that your dumber than grass is an act to get what the girl wants. Every action those girls made was to get between me and A. Not because they want him, no .... girls dont work that way, but because they want to prove to me that they could get him. and they tried... He didnt go anywhere.)
Me: "okay what ever" then green bopper says, "i think you and A are just having problems and you two need to work it out" (trying to turn the arguement around on me and A.. good move... but not going to work ... that is a desperate girl move)
Me: "what the fuck are you talking about? and where the hell do you get off?"
they are cussing me out as they walk away ... K comes to me and says those bitches are cussing you out .. "cussing me out?? .. no .. they are not here .. they are pussies cussing about me thinking they are all that .. " but i go after them anyways .. because well i was drunk and pissed. and it was kinda funny as well.. I cussed them out for about 15 minutes ..
Okay some background info .. i grew up in a very wetback, gangsta, ghetto, gang controlled neighborhood... went to an all black ghetto, gang controlled school .. no i take that back .. i survived both the neighborhood and the school. in the mist of all this cussing out .. i am now snapping my fingers and cockin my head and truly gettin ghetto on the two bitches,
Never gave them the time to even make a sound much less talk back to me.. and i was standing about 2 inches from green boppers face. Why do i do this? Surely not because i am fightin for A ... he aint going anywhere .. i wouldnt fight for any guy .. but because they are disrespecting me .. and i am not going to have that ... not at my party .. that is my home for the night ..
Oh hell no .. Cussed them out because bitches will learn their lessons in life and i am the teacher. All girls are bitches .. but they will not get the best of me .. I taught them a lesson...(can anyone understand that?)
In the middle of it all i realize that i am now ghetto and want to laugh so hard .(i hold back) . continue cussing them out and telling them off then i snap my fingers, flip my hand, and walk away with a smile on my face .. (not letting them see me) get back to A and he is laughing his ass off because he has never seen me like that .. no one has ever ... NOONE has EVER seen me cuss out anyone .. and especially gettin all ghetto up in their face.
and we all laugh ... but sometime after they left .. A got into a huge thing with my cousins friend and popped 'em. right in the eye .. unfortuantely i was behind A and when he pulled his fist back i got hit in my chest. Not cool .. but at least it made him realize that he was going over board.
so around 3 am i look around to find R is passed out .. A is passed out .. T (K's friend) is puking and Cousin and his friend are passing out in their truck. i am sitting on a chair relaxin and Ton (a friend of A) is rubbing my feet telling me how sexy my feet are... and i laugh ..
so three of us (Ton, D and myself) stay talking through the night .. He tells me, "well the night could have been better you could have had both of us", Talkin about him and D (another friend of ours). "And that would have been better?" i ask .. "that is on the assumption that i want to have sex with you two .. "
he says, "well if you want A then go get him"
Okay A is passed out and at the time, had crawled out of the tent to puke .. "why would i want him right now?" D goes to pass out with A.
"so you wanna get freaky?" he asked.
Me: "really ?? was that your line? was i suppose to fall for that?" i laugh
we end up talking for about an hour .. go for an hour walk and talk some more.
get back to camp and he ask me again, Wanna get freaky?"
I laugh .."no Im good."
He goes to pass out .. i watch the sunrise on my birthday.
It was fun, even through all the drama.

Birthday Bash!!!

woohoo... well its not today .. but saturday the 12th..
Today is my bro's birthday so we start celebrating tonight and run through sunday. Tonight is drinking at the bar .. tomorrow is a bomb fire at the beach... that should really be intersting. Saturday night dinner, and then a party at my friends. Sunday relax and get ready for monday.
I sent out text invites and accidently sent it to too many of my "buddies"
If more than one or two show up it will make for an intersting night.
Luckily for me its not an official birthday bash so everyone is coming and going as they please .. maybe they will be there in shifts.
If nothing else it will test my skillz as a playa... haha
I'm looking forward to it .. Babydaddy sent me a message that he is going which is odd that i havent spoken to him in about a month now .. and yet he was certain he could make it and wanted to see me .. UMMM...
A - is planning on being there .. and P well hasnt answered me but he may show up without my knowing it. THE STRIPPER hasnt decided, and i wanted to invite waiter boy... but not sure if that would kill my chances with him later.
Oh well .. even if noone shows up im sure to have some fun .. there is always fun to be had out there.
Saturday another friend is throwing a party to celebrate and that should allow us girls to entertain each other.

Today is pretty slow at work .. slow and there is nothing but drama here. I guess things will never change.

the only thing of interst is a dream that i had last night.

babydaddy came to pick me up for the bash at the party, except we were so insistant on "catching up" that we never made it, at least not on time. It started out with a couple of hugs and innocent kisses, then him stripping down for me .... damn even in my dreams his body is totally amazing.
yummmmm...............
so we kiss and then play a bit, but finally decide to make it down to the party .. which is now in a hotel room with a ton of people i dont know .. then i get a call from a friend so me and babydaddy head out to pick him up. on the way over babydaddy pulls over on the side of the road and starts to "play around" again. In the mist of getting busy i look outside the window and realize that we are now a float in the middle of some sort of parade. People are watching us and waving.. screaming and hollerin at us. Of coarse we dont stop ......... we continue till we both are satisfied.
Once we get to the end of the parade we step on the beach ... where everyone is having fun.....
and dancing, drinking, and partying. babydaddy is hugging up on me ...

and then i woke up.

Not too steamy .. but intersting ...

Obsession VS addiction

and so i sit, at 2 in the morning wondering what the hell happened. The difference between obsession and addiction? Its no longer just a thought of whats to come, planning out the moves, the scene, the dance of it... Its now a game... .searching out your next player, or victim. I am an addict. There is nothing to it. Plain and simple. I AM! And tonight like no other night i wonder what the hell it is about me that screams $50 whore. Or is tonight like every other night? Okay so not to that extent. But there i was in the bar, spot a nice looking 6ft 3 blond hair, pale blue eyes, and i know that if i can just make eye contact, He's mine. We finished off the game, we won 14 to 1.
Normally i would leave after the last round is played, but i was now on the hunt. It became a game. A game I have yet to lose. My prize? His name is Tex. Mild mannered, just minding his own business and has no idea he is about to be played. So i take a seat, two stools down from him. I start up a conversation with his friend. A couple of quirky remarks and they both laugh, and i leave the room. I return a few minutes later and he has come up with something clever, i knew he would take the time to do it. And i play it off as if im not sure what he is talking about. That is part of the game. We laugh and i leave the room again. Took the bait, and now he is hooked. Doesn't even know it yet. I came back to the room, take a seat and let them talk, i over hear a familiar name, "I'm sorry, where do you work?"
He looks at me and tells me ... i smile, "oh forgive me, the name sounded familiar, thought we might work at the same place" He moves closer to me leaving his friend out of our new conversation. "And where is it that you work" he asked me..................
and so we talk. I make comments about the music, and the decorations in the bar. Leaning in because i just cant hear him that well. He takes me in, almost hugging me now. I start to "quiz" him on the songs being played. He doesnt know the group that sings the song on the juke box. He then quizes me .. "Janis Joplin" i say, I'm right and I laugh "what do i win?" "Me" he say's "but only for the next 30 minutes". I grab his hand and clumsily trip over him, "Okay" as if to head out the door and we both laugh. Now he is holding my hand and keeping me from falling. Except its all part of the game. We talk some more, about what he does, hobbies, and just all kinds of bull shit... i say its a little hot .. he agrees. We head outside where we get cozy and take in the air. No more talking just touching each others hands, he hugs me from behind and we begin to whisper softly to each other about the night. Plans for the morning. I say its getting late... he agrees.
I turn to him, "what ... ?" I couldnt hear him, so i would like for him to believe.
except i graze his lips with mine when i turned my head. And bam... we kiss.
He's mine... Havent lost one yet. He had asked if i wanted to go to his place, instead I invited him over to my place, he's game. He's GAME?
no ... just a player in my game. He sits nervously on my couch as i get something to drink. "Are you okay?" "yea" he says, "just a little nervous". "aww.... dont do this much? huh?"
"No" and so i tell him to relax, no pressure no promises. and we talk .. watch a little television. He starts to kiss me and undress me. I can see the bulge building in his jeans. We head towards the bed, and kiss some more. He kisses my neck, my shoulders, my breast, my stomach. He made his way between my legs and licked my pussy till i came. I can tell he liked it. His cock is stiff and ready to fuck my cunt. He starts to kiss my mouth again and his cock enters my pussy. We fucked till he came. His body fell against mine, his breath on my neck, he trembles.
"Good?" i ask. "Oh hell yea!" he said it was amazing. It always is. I never disappoint.
The clencher? He's married. Never once cheated on his wife. Not once. Why tonight? whats so different about tonight? He has no clue. He'll regret this in the morning. He regrets it now.
he says that it was something in my eyes, my smile. He doesnt know ... it was just something that he wanted. He doesnt regret being with me .. just cant believe that he cheated. Married for over 4 years and tonight of all nights. What was so different?
i have that effect of guys. and i laugh. I always have that effect on guys,
so the difference between obsession and addiction. There is a scent, an aura that surrounds me. There is a look of addiction in my eyes. Guys can see it when i walk into a room. They can sense it. All i have to do is pick out which guy i want. and play my game. I have taken guys aways from their wives, girlfriends sitting two inches away from them, can get a gay guy to suck my toes and like it. I can take a straight girl and make her beg for my pussy. Its all about the how i play them. It's my game. my obession? It controls my moves. And for it I control theirs.
Im not proud, that is one reason i sit here rather than asleep in bed. I actually feel bad for him. I played him and for it, he will regret it forever. And that is where it ends. I took him and effected his life for 4 hours of entertainment for me. Granted i did get fucked and came for it. But he will not likely forget this night as i might. I may remember it, chances are i'll forget it, forget his name, forget the way we met, and it will happen all over again within the week, just the player changes................ (if i choose).
Its a game ................ and I have yet to lose.

Okay so i am now a thief.........

I ripped this off of the blog of Xandrig (advanced ketchup) thought it was cool ..
I added my own little spin to it .. changed a few questions, gave my own answers....
so I'm not a complete rip off ..
but i do give credit where it should be...

tired of all of those stupid surveys made by High School kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'missed someone?'
'told someone you love them?
''drank alcohol?'
Here are some questions for some people who are a little more mature... ok old folks like us.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Electric --- too damn high, especially when im never home to enjoy the AC.
2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Republic of Texas, 20th floor of the OMNI hotel, at sunset. Its right on the Bay.
3. Last time you Puked from Drinking?
2004
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced naked in the street?
2004, and it was a game of adult truth or dare.
5. Name of your Favorite Grade school Teacher?
Mrs. L and now i do her son.... awesome
6. Who do you really want to be doing right now?
Waiterboy
7. As a child What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Oddly enough .. a stripper ... i didnt have many goals in life
7b. and how did that work out?
Well im not a stripper ...
8.How many colleges did you attend before you realized college was not for you?
2... but im still struggling to go.
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Its clean .... i think ...
10. Gas Prices! First thought?
Yikes .. no more cruizin for dudes late at night for me .. haha .. jk
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would you go and who?
Don't know ...
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Shit... work sucks
13. Last thought before falling asleep last night?
aww... that was good
14. What Errand/Chore do you despise?
cleaning, laundry, shopping .. umm... any errand or chore.. it all sucks
15. If you didn't have to work, what would you do?
travel.... all over the world...
16. Get up early or sleep in?
I would love to sleep in .. but i never get the chance
17. didnt like this question.... and i dont know what happened to 18.
19. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
when i was little i use to steel my brother porn mags...
20. What was your First Car?

1992 corsica ... silver nickname was CORY ... oh the stories he could tell.

21. Your Favorite Lunch Meat?

i dont do lunch meat..

22. What do you get everytime you mix parrrot bay with jello? buzzed
23. Beach Or Lake? either if they are nude
24. Do you think Marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? now that i am divorced i believe that it is a ritual invented by people who didnt know any better.
25. Who do you Stalk on myspace? Im too old for myspace.... :(
26. Favorite Guilty Pleasure? hersey' cookies and cream candy ..
27. Favorite Movie you wouldnt want anyone to find out about? Chicago... but i really dont care if anyone knows it...
28. What's your drink? Smirnoff black dresseed, or vodka, citron, or tuaca
29. Cowboys or Indians? Cowboy's then the steelers... actually the texan's even if they do suck.
30. Cops or Robbers? Robber ... cause i like playing the bad girl.
31. Do you cheer for the bad guy? i cheer for the under dog
32. What porn star do you think is the best? jenna and brianna... woohoo..
33. If you had to pick one cast member of the Brady bunch to be your partner in survivor who would you pick? Sam cause he owns a meat cleaver
34. What do you want when you are sick? nyquil, a pillow, and a body massage
35. Who from your past would you like to run into? David, my first love.
36. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? C101 ... rock .. kinda ...
37. Stiffler or Oz? Oz ... 37b. Lword or queer as folk? Lword 37c. Weeds or Nip/Tuck? Oohhh tough one ...Nip/Tuck
38. Norm or Cliff? Sam ....
39. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons
40. Worst Relationship Mistake that you wish you could take back? Gabe when i was 18 ... yuk .. still makes me sick thinking about it
41. didnt like this question
42. If you could get away with it who would you do?
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher not for its intended purpose? Nope .. but would like to
44. Do you have a teddy bear? No but i have a diving dolphin... ;)
45. Strangest Place you have ever brushed your teeth? beach .. but i guess it wasnt that odd
46. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? Hollywood...
47. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? either would be worth it .. probably a relationship more though...

IHOP

who would have thought it be a great place to meet a guy. Okay so he was my server, but i've been in complete lust with him since the moment I first saw him. He is about 5 ft 10 maybe 160 - 170 lbs, maybe even less. ( i like them thin) Deep dark brown eyes, and a shaved head. I knew he was younger than me, i was guessing around 22 or 23. While taking our order, he made a comment about my how beautiful my hair is. ( i get that alot) and so we smiled and flirted a little. It made my night. ('aww.... i lust him' I inform my friends)
"we know... just ask for his number already" G would say
"I can't, its not the right time"
and so the night progressed slowly, we chatted about all kinds of shit, homophobes and the dislikes of PDA when it involves 2 men. and complete joyous celebration when PDA is exchanged between 2 women. Then his shift was over and he came to say goodbye, I asked him to sit a minute and chat. "Old friends need time to catch up" I joked, and he laughed. he sat next to me. My friends both smile at me and i was a teeny bopper with a crush again.
"the conversation is on forensic science, do you have an opinion on it?"
He seemed a little thrown by our topic, but told us his views. Then we talked about hobbies, he is a surfer and a musician. Trying to figure out what to do with his life. Damn he must have a toned sexy body, with talented fingers.
So i asked how old he was, 20. what? 20... i was crushed.
He asked how old i was, "Older" i replied. He smiled, "what 23 or 24?" awww... my heart melted.
then he won me over, "it doesnt matter, i like older women," and that was it.
I am turning 29 in about 5 days. is that too old?
He'll be 21 in 21 days, well at least he will be able to buy my drinks soon if we were to go out. So we talked, then he said he had to go. A few minutes later me and my cousin leave as well. I step out side and he is still in his car. he gets out and comes over to me, we talk a couple of minutes more. Then we say our goodbyes, he asked for a hug. aww... so innocent. so i hug him. I ask him to walk me to my car, he starts to walk me. "wait .. let me have a reign check," and he smiles. "im sorry, i really have to go, i'm already late and i dont want to rush this... so reign check.. is that okay?" I say "okay"
Im not really sure why .. but i didnt question it. He hugged me again.
So it got me thinking. I was 21 when i met my husband, he was about to turn 29. Age meant nothing to me then, why does it mean anything to me now. Now that i am the one that is 8 years older. Before him I dated a guy 13 years older than me, and my ex was ten years older. A friend of mine is 29, and interested in 18 and 19 year olds. I keep giving him shit about it.
Does age really mean anything in todays society? I think if you are close to thirty, your date should at least me old enough to drink. I was hoping that if i would date a younger guy he would be at least 24 or older.
babydaddy was 23 and even that was too young for me. But i am honestly thinking about waiting till waiter turns 21 and see what happens. He could always fill me up with vodka in hopes i forget about the issue of age.

We Won! We Won!

I walked into the bar and there he was. We've known each other for about a year, fucking around for almost as long, but its been months since we've seen each other. I glance his way and he cocks his head in acknowledgment. I smile and turn to to search out my team. And so it began, a night of high school flirting and sillyness. I glance over to his team, he blows me a kiss. I roll my eyes, and stick out my tongue. I took on the role of a silly school-girl that don't like boys. We teased each other through out the night. I won my solo game. My name echoed in the bar as my team cheered me on, he smiled when i looked towards him. It is always said that confidence is sexy. I believe it gives me confindence knowing I am sexy. Even when i walked in the door, i was greeted by other players, offering to buy my drinks. I was dressed in a simple pair of tight capri jeans, a low cut, black midriff shirt that showed skin every time I got up to throw and a pair of strappy sandles. Simple, but sexy.
He made his way to the bar, stopping at my table giving me an appropriate hello. At 6ft 5 he completely engulfs me as he hugs me from behind, his arms around my shoulders and chest he kisses my neck. The warmth of his breath on me sends chills through my body. He likes to make it clear to everyone around that he is fully aware of my weak spots. He held me a little to long as we talked, my team mates sending accusing glances towards me. He is not a favorite in my team, but i have had nothing but good times with him. Towards the end of the night he comes to hug me again, this time around my waist, and and whispers in my ear. "Are you waiting for me tonight?"
My answer was a simple smile. He took it as a yes.
We won the night 11 to 4. I won all my games. YIPPIE.
When we got to my apartment, i was impressed that he noticed the difference. "wow, a new t.v., and you got some art in the dining room. Thats cool, where did you get it?"
"you noticed? I got it at an exhibit, Exotica 2006" and we talked about art, books, movies, and then he asked, "Why are you still dressed?"
"because you are still dressed." He gets up to fix the problem, i quickly turned the television to a music on demand channel. He knew what i wanted. (oddly enough the song was a love balled, played in 4/4 time) Being a stripper in his younger years, its fun to watch him re-live the memories. I have never been into watching dancers strip when you couldnt sleep with them, but when you know you'll get 'em in the end, its a nice treat. 6ft 5 inches, muscles completely toned and only a hint of a beer belly starting to form, (i find that sexy on him) he moves with such ease and tenderness. Every part of his body seems to be an inch to long for perfection, but with his long and lean body its perfect. his eyes a pale shade of blue, watches me as i watch him. He pulls me off the couch and again his arms surround me as we embrace, and with a kiss i begin to lead him into the bedroom. Between kisses he mentioned how well i played and that i should be rewarded. I lay back on the matress and he kisses his way south. I think im going to like this reward. His tongue and his hands are talented beyond explanation, i came three times before he allowed me to catch my breath. Then we fucked, till we came together. Damn.
We layed in bed talking for a while, exchanging stories of the last few weeks. I try to keep it light. The arrangement was to be kept simple, only our names had been exchanged, oh and of coarse the team we play on. that was it. No personal information. I dont need the strings. he saw a picture on my wall and talked about it and the pronounciation of my last name. (my name was written across a rose, surrounded by hearts) he repeated it till he got it right, almost as if making a mental note. I decided it was time for him to leave, and we said our goodbyes. Mine was said by sucking him off then leading him to the door, his was said by fingering me to orgasm at the door. He kissed me goodbye. A nice way to end the night.

going MIA

And so it had been 2 weeks since I last heard from him. He lost his job, phone got shut off, and no-one new if he was able to keep his apartment. I spoke to him for 10 minutes and was given "i dont know" to every question I had. People don't just get fired for no reason. Did i believe him? No, so i called up a friend of mine. If he had been fired, there was a story, and if there was a story, people would be talking. If people were talking then i should find out the truth of his dismissal. Two days later i get called back... no story. No Story? How could that be? If he got fired... There has to be a reason. So I was told, "well thats the odd part, no-one knew he got fired or that he wasnt working here anymore."
Okay so now im worried. So was she. We both tried calling, emailing, and searching him out, but without knowing where he lives it was useless. No response. So Saturday i expressed my concerns with a cousin. "well have you gone to his apartment?"
"apartment? why no i havent .. why would i do that?" i say sarcastically. "actually I dont know where he lives"
"ooohhh i do .. i gave him a ride once," she says, "Let's go!"
and soon we were on a mission.
Then i felt retarded .. apparently he moved only a building down from his last apartment. If i knew it was going to be that easy, i would have slapped myself.
I reached the stairs and overwhelmed by the smell of rotting food. I look at her, "okay, lets think about this... what are we going to find if noone has heard from him in two weeks?"
She looks and me and simply demands, "knock!!"
and so i knock... once .. twice .... and third time is a charm .. i am greeted with an unshaven face, a body sloppily covered in scrubs, dirt all over. He doesnt even say hi. He turns to find his computer that he has been staring into for the last two weeks. World War games, that is all that occupies his head. I follow, "damn this place is stank!!" "what the hell is going on??"
I almost puke. I follow into his computer room, i find he has been living there for 6 weeks, not one box emptied. Dirty clothes cover the floor. Empty pizza boxes, food bags, and soda cans pile in corners. Mold!!! eewww... i smile at him. I cross over the left over food and find a place to sit on his ab lounger. He never looked at me. "so kid, whats up?" his usual reply, "I dont know"
so i sat for about 10 minutes, thats all i could take. I tell him as i am leaving. "in two hours im coming back, you better be showered and dressed, off the computer or i am pulling cords out of that stupid thing." and i smile at him. He doesnt look at me. I stand there staring at him. "say you understand!!" he stares at the screen. after 5 minutes of nagging he finally says he understands. My cousin already out the door, she couldnt take it.
Two hours later and he was still in his dirty scrubs, computer still beeping in the back ground. HE let me in and went to the kitchen. umm... interesting move... i tell him to go take a shower and get dressed. he moves like a kid who is being punished. The place smelled of rotted fish. I open the fridge.,.. oohh .. bad move. my eyes sting from the fumes. I start to empty crap ito bags, and then pick up empty pizza boxes. OMG... i cant take it. He comes out of the shower. "Go brush your teeth!" he stares at me a moment, turns and does what he is told. There is nothing in his eyes. he is lost. No where to go.
We talk for about 30 minutes about nothing. He wont talk about his lack of a job, or what happened. So i ramble on about my pathetic life. oh well .. it gets him off that damn computer. I agree to leave, i dont want to be too demanding. We agree to meet for breakfast. "be ready by 9" i tell him. "just come in if i dont answer, i'll be in bed" he says. the look in his eyes scared me. I wondered to myself, what will i find?
I went out to drink, i tried to forget that smell, that look in his eyes, and all the murder mysteries i've read in the last few weeks. I didnt want to think about how i would find his body in the morning.
At nine i decided i wasnt ready. I left my house at 10, and then parannoia set in, what if he expected me to find him at nine and in the hour i waited was an hour too long. I have to start reading comedies i decide. AI laughed at the stupidity.
I got to his place, no answer. damn. I knock again. and again. i turn the knob. its quiet inside. i look into his room. Just a bundle of covers. Nothing moving. i call his name, nothing. again and again nothing. i hit what i assume to be his leg. Nothing. again and he doesnt move. i start to uncover the body, his body. Nothing.
OMG... i start to panic. he doesnt seem to be breathing. what do i do. again and again..i shake his body, call his name. he moans. YIPPIE hes not dead.
and then he passes out again. damn.
i remember the bottle of pain killers we joke about selling the night before. i go to find it. Its not there. SHIT!! i look around his apartment ...
there was at least 25 of them in the bottle. he wouldnt have taken them .. he wouldnt do that...
i hear him moan again. i go and shake him again... this time he moves... angrily i say .. "SHOWER!!" i can breathe again.
wheeewwww... the bottle is on the floor of the kitchen .. full ..