who would have thought...

that a reality check would sound like a telephone ring in the middle of the afternoon. But that single beep is what has awaken me. So now I sit realizing how every choice that I have made to protect my children will be the exact choice that will hurt them. Its amazing how I have chosen to keep secrets from those around me and those secrets have insured that I have noone to talk to. The phone rang, it was A. wanting and ready to talk about my daughter, our daughter. He is ready to see her meet her take her on the weekends. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! a single beep and my world is crashing down. A single beep and I have lost control of my sanity. A single beep. I knew the day was coming, I knew I would have to face him, her, them. He wants his other family. OTHER FAMILY??? He wants to be part of her growing up and I knew I would never keep him from it, but how to go back. Change the choices I have made? I cant and it will hurt her. P is the one she knows and calls daddy. P although unstable is the one she cries for hurts for misses every night. P is the one that she knows and runs to when he is around. P. How do i go back? Change the choices that Ive made? He wanted to see me tonight ... history repeats itself, I wanted to say yes, be like old times drink laugh and be friends ... every part of me wanted that moment we had years ago, the moment when we were happy good and friends. Every ounce of my soul forced me to say no. The past was floodng my mind and my heart .. the present was drowning my brain. I wanted to scream yes ... I finally whispered no ..
Lets wait. Too much time has past for us to be ok. Were not ok. Im not ok. Tomorrow is the talk. What is there to say, What is allowed to be said. What happens to daddy??? the word and its definition changes in 24 hours, at least for her. My beautiful princess, how could i have ever been the cause of her tears. How can I go back.
All this only weeks after being told I wasnt a good mother. I dont spend enough time with them, I text too much, I work too much and I dont get to spend the time that they need me to spend with them. I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!! I work to provide, I dont have help. Another choice that I have made. History is cruel. The days of endless parties and drunken nights have led me here... alone. The choice that I have made. Not a good mother the thought lingers everyday every moment. Not a good mother.!!!!
I am broken at the thought. I work ... I provide... and the moment I dont work I am with my kids. But its true Im always tired exhausted and my fault .. I text. Its all I have to the outside adult world. The choice that I have made not to go out not to bring men to my house not to expose my children to that .. the choice that i have made and i am not a good mother for it! I am tired ... I am broken ...........and now I am to face A. His girlfriend and their son ... face them as I stand alone. The choice that I have made!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream
P is hurt A is hurt my princess will be hurt ..
does anyone care about me? Does it matter?
The truth .............. is there a truth .... or just a truth according to me ..
I suppose there is no truth when everything is so misunderstood, so entangled, so blurred????? what is the word for this caos.
it isnt truth ...
Tomorrow I am forced to let go of the cliffs edge ... await the landing .. dust my self off and hope there is another way back up to the top.
Hope the damage is repairable.

COURAGE: THE ART OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOUR SCARED TO DEATH.
GOD HELP ME TO BE COURAGOUS

The day begins..

at 3 am it should be time for sleep, but instead I toss and turn searching for rest. Searching for peace. My mind begins the battle. I fight the images of his body, his touch. I fight the need to release. Masterbation no longer helps. I need to feel the warmth of him near me. His lips on me. I toss and I turn. I struggle all night for much needed sleep but there is no comfort during a war. I go about the day tending to the kids as my mind flashes images of his sculpted abs, his firm arms, I fight the thoughts that have taken over my mind. Its a losing battle. At work I text, I email, I read, I train, I talk and laugh. Doing 20 things at once is still not keeping me from fantasizing about his mouth as he kisses me. I can almost feel his hands rub me. I pace the floor. I cannot escape the need. I think about walking through his door and dropping to my knees before him so i can take his hard cock into my mouth. I remember how amazing it feels between my lips, how i lick the shaft and suck him off. I remember the taste and my skin tingles as I sit at my desk. Officers are giving me their commands I my only thought is to lay out before him so he can kiss and lick me. Searching out my clit licking my cunt. Oh how many times has he pleasured me with that tongue. I want to cum in his mouth, squirting as I explode. Traffic stops disturbances assults are nothing to me I only care about feeling his dick slide into my pussy. Filling me and fucking me. I need to cum its all I can think about now. I struggled through 12 hours and again I am here searching for much needed sleep. All i can think about is him. How easily it would be to cum with him, for him, on him.

and so the game begins

Another player on the field? Its been months since the tease began but today I see he is taking it up a notch. Ive stayed my distance but I can see myself falling. I can see myself play the game, luring him in even though I would rather not hurt him. I remind myself of the captains term: Succubus ... not the extreme but I see the point. I lean back in my chair as I watch him talk. He leans in so I can smell his new cologne. I inhale and smile. The scent could take me away. I ask what kind. My breath upon his neck makes him shiver. He stumbles on his words. This is too easy. I inhale again, this time he places his hand on my chair to balance himself. I look into his eyes, he is lost in mine. I remind myself of why I shouldn't. How many people would be hurt. Do I care? He steps back as I stand to leave, He grabs my waist.
Succubus! I laugh to myself as I walk away. Tomorrow I may not be so strong.

Its 3 oclock in the morning ...

not a soul in sight ... oh how true those words are. I have alway found this time of night to be the loneliest of all times to get off of work. Noone on the road, noone greeting you at the door. Every one is asleep and its feeling like a ghost town. Tonight i walked through my front door and received a text, goodnight my sweets... dream of me ...
Yes from the professor. Was it coincedence that he woke up or did he set an alarm and plan it. Either way it brought a smile to my face. It was a beautiful thing after a nasty night.
P has a way of hurting me even when i have thought he no longer had the power to.
I was hurt for hours, unanable to accept that he would be so cruel as to compare me to my rapist. Have I spoken of this monster before? My roach? Raped a knife point, beaten several times over several months. I dont think of it often, I have moved on from the thoughts of him. Apparently I cant completely move away from the pain. Just the mention of him brings a shiver down my spine, a tear to my eye. And P had the nerve to compare me to him? I was left in shock! This was the cruelest thing that has happen to date.
The captain eased my mind, the professor eased my heart. Time to say goodnight and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

A new year A new You

Time for think of how I would like the year to be.

There are so many thoughts that fill my mind through out the day but for some odd reason every time i sit down to type the randomness keeps me from being able to put my thoughts into words. There has been so many things going on lately, I keep hoping my life will some how straighten itself out.
The Professor has returned I assumed things would pick up where they left off, which is where exactly? In theory we are perfect for each other, In reality we have both been so hurt we will never proceed to the next step. Will it even matter? It would be interesting to find out if 5 months of talking texting and pretending would be as perfect in the real world. Perfection on paper is never as good as you think. So I simply answer the text as I receive them as the pretend relationship grows. Its kinda sad and funny all at the same time.
P has returned with loads and loads of promises, it almost makes me sick just listening to them. I hear him out mostly because I cant even form the words of all the things I would love to say. My daughter loves that he spent some time with her, but again he is gone as quickly as he came. Its amazing how a 10 month old can drive a man away simply from crying at 2 am. I was sick .. too sick to care for the kids I had no choice but to call for help. P came ... after all those promises he decided he was father material after all. Hummm ... yea I quess I didnt have to say much after all. He is gone again, promises and all.
The ex leaves in a few weeks, I cant even decide what to say. Ill miss him. He has gone before but I know this time its for good. How can I say good bye to someone so dear to me knowing it will be forever? I cant and so I havent said anything. Ill have a goodbye party for him ive decided but still dont think Ill be able to say much.
And so I sit thinking of all the things going on around me and my inability to say anything to anyone about any of it ... will anyone even notice the silence?

Time to say goodbye

I received a text today, Im moving back home.
Wait what?? This is home?
Nope back to be with family. Im losing my best friend. My ex husband decided to move back to indiana. How can I say goodbye. He is my comfort my joy my best friend. :(

Trust Issues?

I wonder why ... I was told that I possibly have trust issues .. no possibly here .. i have major trust issues ..
I have been through hell and back and i do not want to go there again. Except I am there once again. Well maybe not as dramatic .. but the one person that i thought i could trust has shown me that I never should have opened up to him. maybe i am over reacting except that I dont think I am. I allowed myself to be put in a situation to be hurt and i shouldnt be suprised that I was hurt.
:( oh well ......................................................maybe i shouldnt have been so trusting
Ive learned a lesson ....
uggh!!!!

and worse I did shit just to be a bitch just because I was mad and immediately regret it
there is no way to take it back ..

it will prolly hurt me more than it would hurt anyone else that is involved.

I am lost ...

I read somewhere ... where there are shadows there must be light. Its the only hope that I have left. I am lost today as I have been for a while. Completely transformed from my former being. Walking away from the recent past... unsure of what the future holds. I feel as if my life is now a shadow of what once was with no clue of who I am or who ill be. When I got divorced it was never this hard. Even when my husband was gone I always had a friend. In the 5 years we were together, there was never this much hate. I was never filled with such anger and rage. I dont know how to handle those feelings. I am broken under the weight. When I got divorced there was no reminder of what was, now I see it in the faces of my children. Although there is nothing but love for them, I hate seeing my past in their eyes. Facing the mistakes that I have made with no way of fixing them.
Everyday is a stuggle. My addictions feed on me. I struggle to keep my mind clear and my thoughts together. But every moment of silence even minute of boredom is filled with images, wants, desires, cravings. Its been a while since Ive last had sex. Has it even been that long? It feels like a month or two when i reality its been maybe a week or so. This is new to me as well. I have never gone this long between fucks. I usually only last a day or so before I start wanting more. I force myself to be good. To be sane about things. Im losing that battle as well.
I think about the captain. About his body. His shape. I think about his lips when he talks. His hands gently moving across my skin.
And I stuggle to get it out of my mind. I stuggle to erase the images. I lose.

Ive lost some friends ...

well more like I lost some "friends". Situations are shameful. I have been technically single for about 3 months ... has it been that long. Several .. well a few guys couple girls have wanted to date. No biggie except that Im not ready. I have been honest from day 1. I dont have the energy for someone new. I dont have the heart to be open for something new. I dont have the mentality. I know Im not ready to open myself up for the pain, arguements, fights, drama, that comes with relationships. Is it wrong to see only the down side of love? I know there are good times, great memories to be made but i just wouldnt be able to handle more heart break. I tell them from day one. They each have said they understand. They are not in a hurry and will give me time to think things through. No rush. Well until now. And not in a rush for love, but at least to start sleeping with each other. There is only one person that I have made that move with and I know I am not ready for anyone else. I have decided that I needed to force myself to do things right this time. Date, dinner, movies, then maybe after a few dates maybe ... repeat maybe start heating things up. Its not working out so well. I have been "dumped" by two people that have said they would wait. Apparently if there isnt sex there isnt any reason to stick around. I have seen the truth about them. About myself.
I want something different, something new, something fresh. Is there anyone out there like that?

I have had my eyes open to the realism of P. Should I be shocked? Hell no. I should know that there was always more to the story. And now im heart broken by the truth of what he is. Who he was. Forgive 7hundred times 7 hundred and seventy seven times. How can I forgive him anymore than I have? I dont have it in me any longer and all i want to do is scream!! or cry.

Its been 3 months ... maybe 3

but its been tough. Saying goodbye is one thing .. meaning it is the hard part. Ive said it and ive stuck to my guns. I know it has too be over with P. However my daughter still cries for him, he is still the father to my son. He will be around for at least the next 18 years, right? How can I start fresh when he will continue to be around and remind me of everything that hurt me so much. I want to move on, I have to move on, but everytime I see his face I am hurt all over again. It is so hard to imagine myself being able to trust again, being able to depend on someone else and give my heart again. Everytime I see P i just want to shut down and hide from even the possibily of being hurt by someone else again. I know i just couldnt handle that type of pain again. Today I found out he is once again answering ads, echanging emails pictures .. phone sex... uggh. How long has it been going on this time. Even before we called it quits. I guess we really should have been over before we ever began. It would have been so simple then.
But now i am left to look at my children and the hurt he has caused them. I am left to wonder how it will hurt them tomorrow or next week, next year, or 5 years down the line. How will all this effect them. Not just me, not just my heart, but the heart and lives of my babies. There is no protecting them from it. And all i want to do is cry at the possibily that my love for them will never be enough to protect them. I am so sad tonight. I am so hurt. :(