I am lost ...

I read somewhere ... where there are shadows there must be light. Its the only hope that I have left. I am lost today as I have been for a while. Completely transformed from my former being. Walking away from the recent past... unsure of what the future holds. I feel as if my life is now a shadow of what once was with no clue of who I am or who ill be. When I got divorced it was never this hard. Even when my husband was gone I always had a friend. In the 5 years we were together, there was never this much hate. I was never filled with such anger and rage. I dont know how to handle those feelings. I am broken under the weight. When I got divorced there was no reminder of what was, now I see it in the faces of my children. Although there is nothing but love for them, I hate seeing my past in their eyes. Facing the mistakes that I have made with no way of fixing them.
Everyday is a stuggle. My addictions feed on me. I struggle to keep my mind clear and my thoughts together. But every moment of silence even minute of boredom is filled with images, wants, desires, cravings. Its been a while since Ive last had sex. Has it even been that long? It feels like a month or two when i reality its been maybe a week or so. This is new to me as well. I have never gone this long between fucks. I usually only last a day or so before I start wanting more. I force myself to be good. To be sane about things. Im losing that battle as well.
I think about the captain. About his body. His shape. I think about his lips when he talks. His hands gently moving across my skin.
And I stuggle to get it out of my mind. I stuggle to erase the images. I lose.