10 minutes and counting

I knew I shouldnt have done it, but I didnt feel I had a choice. P had to come to drop off money, not court ordered but an agreement between us. He wanted to see the kids, he wanted to see me. I shouldnt have agreed, but I did. I get a message .. i was busy so of coarse I didnt answer him the way he wanted. Arguement one... over a stupid text ... fine lets drop it .. 20 minutes later .. I didnt say specifically that I wanted to see him, I didnt. I knew it would be bad. I didnt say it. Arguement 2 ... He showed up put the money in the mail box and was about to walk away .. would have been clear except my daughter saw him and almost busted into tears while he turned his back. Aguement 3. I no longer care what he does to me .. how he treats me what he says Ive turn cold against it, but she is only 3. How could he be so cruel, except she isnt his... i keep reminding myself so i dont have expectations from him. She cried he stayed. No words were spoken, never looked at each other. And then I cried. I cried because I had so much to say and not an ounce of energy to say it, I cried because i wanted the past, but no longer want the present. I cried cause I didnt want to see him but was a coward and couldnt even say it. It would have hurt him. Then the hug. He knows me too well. He knows where Im weak. I felt myself soften, I hated myself for it and so i cried more. I finally found the words but not to voice to tell him to leave. I couldnt look at him as he walked out the door. He didnt say a word. My daughter hugged me and patted my back. She knows me too and I hate crying infront of her.
So now the kids are in bed and I sit wondering once again how the hell did we get here. My close friends are gone, or working, I wouldnt be able to tell them even if they were here. My only option is to leave my thoughts here, out in the world of nothingness!

The last message I got was ........................I love you.... I always will ............................

and again nothingness