Its 11:42
and the cycle begins. I know myself all too well, I know it will be bad. Part of the addiction is the need to move away from emotion. I wouldnt and wont say I fell in love, right now i just dont have the ability to feel love .. but I fell. Fell into something different, something new, something great, I fell away from where i was. He was great, exactly what I needed. God has a way of doing that to you. He takes care of you ... sometimes the outcome isnt what you expect. The outcome would could and should be what i need. I seeked out a friend and a friend is what I got, and yet I cant or wont allow it to happen. At least not yet. I feel betrayed by my own heart. Now I'm lost. I know what I need but I know what would be better for all involved. I had to step back. He is in love with someone else, someone great. Someone who can and will make him happy and I wont allow myself to get in the way of that. I stepped back without explanation. I dont have the words to tell him, I dont have the energy to explain. I know myself too well. I know I have to do this for them to work.
I dont want to,
I have to.
He deserves the best, He deserves better. He deserves the ability, the ability?? the willingness?? the hope?? lets go with hope of a brighter future.
He deserves someone who can and will love him back.
There are so many things I could have said, should have said but the truth is ..
its not what I wanted.
There is no plan for tomorrow, no question of where things will go. Its not what I want, Its not what I am able to give, with me it was simply today .. and simply because it felt good. Tomorrow wouldnt and couldnt have been a quarantee.
I could have shut off my feelings, I would have shut off my thoughts and just gone on with the plan of just being friends. I know myself to well, I wouldnt be able to just be friends. We already have a past. The sex was amazing, and I would always be tempted to seek out more. There is always a chance for something to happen, always a temptation. I would have given in, I am weak that way. And for that I said goodbye.
Now the memories flood my mind, the thought of what was. The days of laughter the nights of long talks and happy times. Being held in his arms, touching his skin, good nights kisses. But the toughest part, the images that drown me. His eyes, his smile, his body. They flash in my memory. They over take my thoughts. The pictures of us, the feeling of him. Its already is taking over.
and so I cycle.
I dont want to,
I have to.
He deserves the best, He deserves better. He deserves the ability, the ability?? the willingness?? the hope?? lets go with hope of a brighter future.
He deserves someone who can and will love him back.
There are so many things I could have said, should have said but the truth is ..
its not what I wanted.
There is no plan for tomorrow, no question of where things will go. Its not what I want, Its not what I am able to give, with me it was simply today .. and simply because it felt good. Tomorrow wouldnt and couldnt have been a quarantee.
I could have shut off my feelings, I would have shut off my thoughts and just gone on with the plan of just being friends. I know myself to well, I wouldnt be able to just be friends. We already have a past. The sex was amazing, and I would always be tempted to seek out more. There is always a chance for something to happen, always a temptation. I would have given in, I am weak that way. And for that I said goodbye.
Now the memories flood my mind, the thought of what was. The days of laughter the nights of long talks and happy times. Being held in his arms, touching his skin, good nights kisses. But the toughest part, the images that drown me. His eyes, his smile, his body. They flash in my memory. They over take my thoughts. The pictures of us, the feeling of him. Its already is taking over.
and so I cycle.
posted by mekayla | 11:42 AM
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