For stu ...
"Does it ever feel like you've truly won? Are you ever satisfied? Have you ever filled the emptiness inside of yourself by these conquests? Don't you want someone that loves you, and needs you, and would die for you? I've spent 29 years saving myself for one that I truly love and that loves me, and it's hard as hell, and I often question myself and wonder whether waiting is the right thing to do. I don't ever want to be stuck in the mode where it is a game though, where it has lost it has lost all meaning other than pure pleasure or the challenge of winning. I'm not saying that it's wrong or right, but I know it's not for me. "
Again, that is the difference between obsession and addiction. so maybe a quick view into my life .. in case you ever wonder why i give you shit about stuff...and ask you to not bring up things that i have done, especially when i was drunk .. haha and this is not an attact on you .. i get if from everyone .. every day ..
i get tired..... Im not empty .. i have a full life .. and a great life away from these conquest. but again .. its an addiction. I get pulled into it... i will apologize now since my personality and behavior doesnt always seem that i am fighting this ... i am very sexual in my actions, and behaviors, i joke about it every day .. that is the world we live in ... i am flirty by nature .. and that comes with the territory .. thats just how i am .. ... it doesnt justify my actions .. nor do i make excuses .. i am just one jumbled body of confussion.
When i tell my stories, its not because i am proud. I have stories to tell, things to say, and i laugh about it all, why beacuse this is my life. If i didnt laugh i would go nuts. There is nothing more i can do but accept it and try to change it. I struggle with this .. its an addiction. Not an obsession. I fight it everyday ..i fight the thoughts, the images. If you have ever seen a drug addict trying to get clean. I have the nervous ticks, the shaking, no ability to concentrate. Sexual addiction .. and i mean a true sexual addiction is the second worst addcition to have. and the second hardest to conquer.
I mentioned before, guys see it in me .. they smell it .. more often than not, i get hit on by the most repulsive lines. example... "well i have a couple of hours till i leave town .. wanna go hook it up?" yea that was a line that i got .. didnt even give me his name .. plain and simple .. i could only laugh as i walked away from him. How do i get picked? Before we get to that .. we have to get to how it started.
When i look at you i wonder what memory you will hold dearest in your heart. I wonder what it will be like for you .. you are like a blank canvas ... waiting for your painting... a song waiting to be written. How romantic right?? ..But that is your life .. not mine.
I have no idea when i lost my virginity, who i lost it too and that is something i will never know. I have accepted that. that is were i come from. I grew up in a very gang controlled neighborhood. Im not trying to compare it to the streets of NY or Chicago .. or even houston or dallas.. but the gangs were there. Crack houses on every street, violence surrounds you. Rape was not something most children know but i was fully aware that we were not safe ......... no female was. My friends were raped and so were their mothers, and their sisters. I was not immune to that. It happened. Which plants a fear that no child should know. sadder note, it didnt begin there. I was already molested by a family member. (understand i dont ask for pity or sadness, i've survived. i knew how. I have already forgiven him and moved on, i hold no grudges, or hate in my heart.) so by the age of 12 .. maybe even 11 i became aware that i need to be protected. Was it crypts or bloods, oddly enough i was protected by both, as long as i gave it up. I had a fear of getting raped again, than fear controlled me. I figured that if i gave it up willingly i would not be raped. I was wrong. I was controlled by both sides. Lucky for me, the head of the neighborhood had his "men" protect me from anyone else who tried to take me. So i only had to deal with 4 guys... yea ... 4. I've looked into the barrel of guns, and even shot in the back ... luckily not fetal it was a pussy gun. But for my protection i was fully sexually active by 13.
by the time i was 16 i was also attacted by some old bastard. luckily my dude came in and got me out before anything happed. (if you ever read my 1st entries this would have been at the church being attacted by the youth group leader) My dude, in brown and proud. another leader. (i could have come out a whole lost worst, but i was not allowed to try drugs because that would effect my looks) and to this day the only drug i do is weed. but that is my doing ..
im not sure how i wasnt killed for being with rival gangs, lucky i guess. at 18 i was allowed out of all that shit. (its pretty crazy that as fucked up as it all was, my education and my health was priority to everyone involved. I was kept from finding out about drugs, and fights, I was kept away from the worst of it all) What started out as fear was now the beginning of an addiction. By that time i was sleeping with 4 guys, every day .. 7 days a week. (again... im not proud.) Just my way of surviving. Would it be odd to say that even then i was faithful to the men in my life. but it was no longer fear controlling my actions .. it was a need ..
then i fell in love, and got raped again... this time from my fiance. funny how things work .. and why? because i was too damn tired to give it up to him, so he took it, pushing the blade of a box cutter into my throat. some fuckers out there only see me as a sex object. how odd right?
I've always been told that once a victim always a victim...i think its more that there is a look in my eyes. The look of need is there .. need turned into what i am now ..
The way that i smile gives it off. i think that there is a stamp on me. at least there was. I dont see myself as a victim by any means .. again i dont want pity .. nor do i try to justify why i am the way i am ... i know what it is .. guys look at me and know .. they see sex .. and that is almost all that they see ..
I fight it everyday .. there is something that goes off in me .. i dont know how to explain it .. but its like a switch and that is when i cant hold back ... i end up hooking it up with someone .. just to get off .. as fucked up as it is .. that is why i have close "buddies" because i am actually fighting off the urge to fuck some noone from some back hole bar ... i dont go into chat rooms, i dont go to clubs, and only bars on game night .. I try to leave as soon as im done, i do fight it.
but for right now it controlls me .. oddly enough .. im not empty .. i have found love .. at 23 i was married to an amazing guy .. things dont work out .. and its fine.. i have been in love a few times.. and its been great... but to tell you the truth.... .. nothing hurts more than a friend that constantly asking for sexual stories, or to hear about kinky things i have done.. or something along that line. ...
i have more to offer this world ....................
so should you wait? i cant say .. i wish i had ... i wish i had that memory .. the one that is suppose to be everything to a person...
Your decision... but if you want to know .. you are the taboo in my life .. i will not taint that .. not the way that i am now ..
now its all laid out ... and i only ask that this is never talked about either .. if you still wanna talk to me .. hahaha
i dont like to dwell on the past ..
Again, that is the difference between obsession and addiction. so maybe a quick view into my life .. in case you ever wonder why i give you shit about stuff...and ask you to not bring up things that i have done, especially when i was drunk .. haha and this is not an attact on you .. i get if from everyone .. every day ..
i get tired..... Im not empty .. i have a full life .. and a great life away from these conquest. but again .. its an addiction. I get pulled into it... i will apologize now since my personality and behavior doesnt always seem that i am fighting this ... i am very sexual in my actions, and behaviors, i joke about it every day .. that is the world we live in ... i am flirty by nature .. and that comes with the territory .. thats just how i am .. ... it doesnt justify my actions .. nor do i make excuses .. i am just one jumbled body of confussion.
When i tell my stories, its not because i am proud. I have stories to tell, things to say, and i laugh about it all, why beacuse this is my life. If i didnt laugh i would go nuts. There is nothing more i can do but accept it and try to change it. I struggle with this .. its an addiction. Not an obsession. I fight it everyday ..i fight the thoughts, the images. If you have ever seen a drug addict trying to get clean. I have the nervous ticks, the shaking, no ability to concentrate. Sexual addiction .. and i mean a true sexual addiction is the second worst addcition to have. and the second hardest to conquer.
I mentioned before, guys see it in me .. they smell it .. more often than not, i get hit on by the most repulsive lines. example... "well i have a couple of hours till i leave town .. wanna go hook it up?" yea that was a line that i got .. didnt even give me his name .. plain and simple .. i could only laugh as i walked away from him. How do i get picked? Before we get to that .. we have to get to how it started.
When i look at you i wonder what memory you will hold dearest in your heart. I wonder what it will be like for you .. you are like a blank canvas ... waiting for your painting... a song waiting to be written. How romantic right?? ..But that is your life .. not mine.
I have no idea when i lost my virginity, who i lost it too and that is something i will never know. I have accepted that. that is were i come from. I grew up in a very gang controlled neighborhood. Im not trying to compare it to the streets of NY or Chicago .. or even houston or dallas.. but the gangs were there. Crack houses on every street, violence surrounds you. Rape was not something most children know but i was fully aware that we were not safe ......... no female was. My friends were raped and so were their mothers, and their sisters. I was not immune to that. It happened. Which plants a fear that no child should know. sadder note, it didnt begin there. I was already molested by a family member. (understand i dont ask for pity or sadness, i've survived. i knew how. I have already forgiven him and moved on, i hold no grudges, or hate in my heart.) so by the age of 12 .. maybe even 11 i became aware that i need to be protected. Was it crypts or bloods, oddly enough i was protected by both, as long as i gave it up. I had a fear of getting raped again, than fear controlled me. I figured that if i gave it up willingly i would not be raped. I was wrong. I was controlled by both sides. Lucky for me, the head of the neighborhood had his "men" protect me from anyone else who tried to take me. So i only had to deal with 4 guys... yea ... 4. I've looked into the barrel of guns, and even shot in the back ... luckily not fetal it was a pussy gun. But for my protection i was fully sexually active by 13.
by the time i was 16 i was also attacted by some old bastard. luckily my dude came in and got me out before anything happed. (if you ever read my 1st entries this would have been at the church being attacted by the youth group leader) My dude, in brown and proud. another leader. (i could have come out a whole lost worst, but i was not allowed to try drugs because that would effect my looks) and to this day the only drug i do is weed. but that is my doing ..
im not sure how i wasnt killed for being with rival gangs, lucky i guess. at 18 i was allowed out of all that shit. (its pretty crazy that as fucked up as it all was, my education and my health was priority to everyone involved. I was kept from finding out about drugs, and fights, I was kept away from the worst of it all) What started out as fear was now the beginning of an addiction. By that time i was sleeping with 4 guys, every day .. 7 days a week. (again... im not proud.) Just my way of surviving. Would it be odd to say that even then i was faithful to the men in my life. but it was no longer fear controlling my actions .. it was a need ..
then i fell in love, and got raped again... this time from my fiance. funny how things work .. and why? because i was too damn tired to give it up to him, so he took it, pushing the blade of a box cutter into my throat. some fuckers out there only see me as a sex object. how odd right?
I've always been told that once a victim always a victim...i think its more that there is a look in my eyes. The look of need is there .. need turned into what i am now ..
The way that i smile gives it off. i think that there is a stamp on me. at least there was. I dont see myself as a victim by any means .. again i dont want pity .. nor do i try to justify why i am the way i am ... i know what it is .. guys look at me and know .. they see sex .. and that is almost all that they see ..
I fight it everyday .. there is something that goes off in me .. i dont know how to explain it .. but its like a switch and that is when i cant hold back ... i end up hooking it up with someone .. just to get off .. as fucked up as it is .. that is why i have close "buddies" because i am actually fighting off the urge to fuck some noone from some back hole bar ... i dont go into chat rooms, i dont go to clubs, and only bars on game night .. I try to leave as soon as im done, i do fight it.
but for right now it controlls me .. oddly enough .. im not empty .. i have found love .. at 23 i was married to an amazing guy .. things dont work out .. and its fine.. i have been in love a few times.. and its been great... but to tell you the truth.... .. nothing hurts more than a friend that constantly asking for sexual stories, or to hear about kinky things i have done.. or something along that line. ...
i have more to offer this world ....................
so should you wait? i cant say .. i wish i had ... i wish i had that memory .. the one that is suppose to be everything to a person...
Your decision... but if you want to know .. you are the taboo in my life .. i will not taint that .. not the way that i am now ..
now its all laid out ... and i only ask that this is never talked about either .. if you still wanna talk to me .. hahaha
i dont like to dwell on the past ..
posted by mekayla | 11:46 PM
2 Comments:
This post is raw, touching and inspiring.
Inspiring? thanks ..
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