Monday .. what a day ..

woke up late for work .. and is been a pretty boring day so far. The weekend went well .. got a suprise call from P. hadnt heard from him in a couple of weeks. He wanted to come a stay with me for a while. I told him i had a date and i think that must have upset him .. haha .. he told me he would call when he got off of work but i fell asleep and didnt hear the phone ring. L called on saturday .. piss drunk .. had a interesting conversation. But luckily he was out of town and i was able to stay a good girl .. A called saturday night and planned a date for sunday .. i was actually looking forward to it. I had some other plans but figured i would be free around 830 or 9. so he went to the beach .. of coarse it got late and he didnt get back into town till about 9 .. i was still tied up so we postponed our "date" for tonight. It should be fun.
While talking with some friends religion came up .. a very taboo topic i suppose .. but it was fun.
it amazes me at times when you hear testimonies of those who have coquered their past lives and have now seen the TRUTH. How quickly it seems that they forget the path they traveled. to get there. Some people just grab hold of faith and hold on for dear life .. to me it seems that these people (the ones that cannot have a discussion without finding offense to other opinions) talk about faith and truth and yet have no knowledge to back up what they have faith in or wht the truth is. It seems to me that they have grabbed a hold so strong to this new found faith that if ever there was a wind strong enough to move the rope they would simply fall off and it would be a great fall. i am a practicing catholic.. i am strong in my faith and read the bible regularly .. but i am also an addict .. that is weak against temption. i have accepted my strengths and my faults. As i would love to be able to say that i can win the war against my addictions without turning back is simply ignorant. the reality is that no matter how strong you are in your faith .. you will fall .. that is simply a human aspect.. i dont know where i am going with that ..

its almost 5 and time to go home ..

Its Friday night ..

oh what a night... well i have that song in my head. it may be because i only have one more hour here at work. Oh it could be that last night i met someone amazing beautiful.
she was a bartender for the bar that i went to .. she had long brn curly hair and an amazing body. Ive seen her there before ... but last night was different .. she came to talk with me for a while .. unfortunately i usually get there at the end of her shift so she wasnt there too long. but we managed to get a few minutes alone together outside. a few innocent kisses is all it takes to make a connection. she works all weekend but i think i will have to go and visit her.
I havent hear from L so i guess the plans to meet up with him is off .. A is suppose to come over tonight. we might go to a movie .. Date movie i hear is really funny.
other than that nothing to extraordinary planned. The weekend should go smooth and hopefully calm. but who knows every thing seems to change the moment i get home .. someone always calling to go hang out or come over for some fun... i might find a couple of people to play with this weekend.

Sexual Voodoo...

is there any such thing? the other night when L was over he grabbed my arm and held onto a hair. after a few second a wave of electrical shock ran through my body. It was a mild shock but it was enough for me to feel it throughout my body. I felt a tingle in my butt. I asked what he had done and he said he just wanted to try something out and apparently it worked. he said it was a a technique of focusing all of your energy and transmitting it to another person. I laughed it off and went on with the day .. we started to play darts .. and well .. ive already told the rest of that story. I started work on monday and still felt some tingling in my rear. didnt think much of it .. but as the week progressed i realized that it everytime that i heard his name i would feel the tingle. i called him up and told him what was going on .. he just laughed and said "wow... i cant believed it worked." he was at work and didnt have time to explain to me what he meant by that .. but it left me with a few questions. One ... is there such a thing as sexual voodoo? two ... is there such a thing as sexual hypnosis... and three .. why didnt he focus his energy on the kitty rather than the rear...
tomorrow L is suppose to come over and fill me in on his whole experiment. I hope its a good one.. i have no complaints so far.. maybe the tingle is just that i am always thinking about sex and the mention of his name takes me over the edge...
either way it makes my day a whole lot more interesting.

dream interpretation.

two nights ago i had a dream.
It started with me laying on the edge of my bed. as i laid there my ex L came in and laid on the bed next to me. At first i was shocked wondering what he was doing there. I kept telling him that he didnt belong in my bed. A few minutes passed and there was a knock on my door. I get off the bed, well i attempt to get off the bed and for some reason it seems that L is holding me there. I finally get free and walk towards the front door. as i pass the doorway betweeen my bedroom and the living room i notice there are alot of people coming in from the back door. I try to make my way to the front door to see who it is but i keep getting distracted by the people coming from the back door. I happen to notice that the people coming in were all guys from my past. the knock at the front door continued but i finally had to go close the back door instead to stop people from coming in. i woke up before i made it to the front door.

so what could that dream possibly mean? well i took a couple of classes in dream interpretation and if i put those theories to test. the front door represents my future... the back door represents my past. the people coming in from the back door is probably my past keeping me from moving to my future or getting to my future. Sounds reasonable. I still cant figure out what the bedroom and L being there represents. i can assume that the bedroom represents a personal private area in my life. but what role does L play? also to believe that everything in dreams are symbolic, L would not be himself but a symbol of something. Now to figure out what.
Tonight i am getting together with A, should be fun. I think we are going to dinner. and he is planning on staying with me tonight. I never know what to expect though.

Random thoughts............

... my arm is numb... cant think of why but its making typing a little hard. its been numb for a while now ...maybe two or so hours..... the tingling continues through my fingers. today i cant concentrate .. too much on my mind. Too many battles trying to start up on the same field. which one do i face first...
my fingers almost hurt... diet and exercise... thats what i need to do .. i need to get healthy .. then maybe the circulation will get better. its it weird when you cant think and yet your mind doesnt slow down. carpel tunnel .. that could be the reason too .. i should have gotten tested last year when i was suppose to .. i had all the symptom but it cost way too much ..the doctor said i had it .. the test is just to comfirm it ..
i woke up this morning feeling sick .....extreamly nausiated. .. when im sick my skin becomes blotchy .. so its pretty hard to pretend and hide the way i feel .. it shows through my skin.. it looks like i just broke out in a huge rash .. or had an allergic reaction to lotion ... wait .. i just started using a new lotion on my face ... hhmmm... well when my skin breaks out like that i cant even use makeup .. makeup will just irritate my skin more. today i also have to go visit with my mom .. she is going to ask about my skin .. then complain that i dont eat right. she will also tell me i need to exercise so that i will start to feel better. i already know that ..
i cant remember what i usually do on tuesdays...
monday i have dinner with friends . wednesday is practice thursday is game night .. friday dinner with family .. what do i do on tuesdays .. i know i usually have something to do ..
maybe dinner with A ... i forgot to call him to make sure he found a place to stay for a while ..
i'll have to call him today ..
how can i improve the circulation to my hands... too many random thoughts.. cant get them straight.

The winner is .. Door #4

after considering my options for this weekend, i decided i should just stay home and keep myself out of trouble. I called my friend and his gfiend and told them that i was tired and about to take a nap and would call them later. I then called my friend up north and told him i decided just to stay in town and would catch him on another weekend. Finally i called A and told him that i would be busy but i would call him back when i got home to check if he still needed a place to crash. I figured it was saturday night and i was in the clear. well around 830 i get a text message that said .. im picking up beer and me and my friend are coming over. damn ... it was L.... my ex... yippie .. oh well we are still on good speaking terms so i figured it wouldnt be that bad. but after smoking some toke, drinking some beer and playing some darts things werent so innocent. all it takes is one touch and i am done. especially when he knows exactly where my weak spots are. we talked about old times. sharing and remembering... i think he was acting as if he was telling his friend about the times we had .. he looked as if he was just wanting to remember it for himself. we exchanged flirty glances that turned into quick and cheap feels. then into some hugs and finally some kisses. we acted as if we were some sex crazed teenagers trying not to get caught. was it the alcohol? maybe the smoking that did it.
the night was taking a turn. I finally had to get up and go to my room .. (thats were bad girls go .. haha ) didnt take long for him to follow me. things started to heat up rather quickly and about 10 minutes into it .. we were reminded that we were not alone. oh well .. they had to leave, i guess i wasnt being a good hostess....
in the morning i was headed out for a day trip to SA just to have some fun with my cousins. my alarm was set for 8 my wake up call arrived at 730. it was L .. wanting to finish what we started the night before. it was cold and i stayed under the covers as we talked. then he started to give me a foot massage.. he always said that it relaxed him ..
he has a foot fettish .. i dont think it was relaxing as much as it is a turn on.. and i now have a great admiration for those with foot fettishes. it was an extream turn on for me was well .. maybe i am just weak .. well maybe not weak as much as easily turned on. we fucked around for over an hour . ..i had to call it quits... my cousins were waiting to take off. so after cleaning up i jumped in my car and headed out .. the trip was great. It was the escape i needed to catch my breath.
now to face another week of work and paying bills.

Another day another Fuck...

well, i was invited to go on an out of town trip to go party up north. sounds like a great idea. i havent partied in a while. i mentioned it to a friend of mine that lives there and apparently i already have a hook up for when i get there. as i struggle to fight this addiction, i begin to think that maybe it wont be such a good idea. after talking to another friend that came down to visit, i was invited to join in with him and his girlfriend if i happen to stay in town. seems that i will be getting some no matter where i spend my night. now my only choice is what i would rather be doing, and with how many people.
while touring the mall yesturday, trying to find something to do while enjoying my day off, i strolled into spencers and saw a bumper sticker that says... "Its only kinky the first time". i started to wonder how many views there are of kinky as i received picture mail showing me all of girlfriends "talents". interesting .. text messaging cyber sex? now how kinky is that. didnt really do anything for me .. but playing into their little game seemed to do alot for their sex life last night. last i heard they were entering round 3. seems that girlfriend likes to be a little naughty. apparently there were also alot of promises made that are suppose to be lived out tonight.
i should be happy ... at least im getting some .. and on top of that .. i even have my choice of entree.... it just kills me to see how difficult it is to escape sexual addiction when its constantly around you. i am thinking i just want to stay home and watch movies. if i stay another friend wants to come by and keep me company. apparently he is between apartments and needs a place to crash. sounds innocent enough. but the last time that happened right before pass out time ..he tried to relive a scene from a bad porn. though he is pretty talented .. there are just somethings that should not be done to regular girls.
oh well .. so what to do .. i think i will go with whats behind door #2 .. at least she has agreed to visit me while wearing a school girl outfit and boots...

All laid out ..

For the world to see .. .its me .. all of me .. no more hiding no more shame .. ITS ME.

ITS THE TRUTH ................ what more can i give you ..?

now its just a ride to a better tomorrow.

Pt II .. prisioner to myself.

at the age of 19, i assumed beginning adulthood would be a new beginning. I fell in love and after a few months became engaged. While planning the wedding i moved in with him and reveived the biggest slap in te face i could have ever imagined. After only a couple of days .. he became jealous and very controlling. He was physically and emotionally abusive. The last straw was when i came home from working a 16 hour shift and was too tired to have sex. He held a box cutter to my throat and raped me. I was completely lost and still i felt like a prisioner. Not to the abuse or from fear.. it was my own pride that held me captive. How do i go back to my family and say that i was wrong. Wrong in love, and wrong in life. It only took a few more days to completely tear me apart. I was left with nothing and felt as if i had nothing more to do but crawl back home and hope for understanding. I was left in a daze for weeks... dealing with him stalking me .. harrassing me.. slahing my tires as well as the tires to my moms and brothers vehicles. He even kicked my dog until it died. all i could think was at least im out.
A year later i fell in love again. That led to marriage and that only lasted 5 years.
My past found a way to sneak into my thoughts and build up my fears. I reacted to those fears and that caused arguements. Those arguements into fights and finally divorce. in the end all i could remember were the good times .. all he could remember were the bad times. I thanked God that at least we could still be friends.
The my third and last love .. it was love at first sight. The moment i saw him i knew that i had to be with him. It moved quickly .. but i suppose i always do. Moved in together only a month after dating. We we best friends. Perfect for each other and great together. One day I went to work and by the time i came back 8 hours later he had packed his things and left. I came home to a letter on my couch. And no way to get a hold of him. After crying and moving on .. i could only Thank God that i didnt go through another horrible break up. God must have known that i would not have been able to handle fighting and argueing again.
So here i am .. almost a year of being single .. reflecting on my past .. it amazes me that although i was faithful in my relationships i still managed to find 46 partners .. well 46 male partners and 5 female. How do i move on?

Introducing myself.... PT. I

Is it possible to believe in God for the sole purpose of having someone to blame at the end? Proclaiming that you are not in control of your life when you have placed it in the hands the Almighty? It is possible. Or maybe believing in God is all someone has in order to stay sane. At the age of 28 i have had my share of trials and tribulations. After thinking a moment .. i have had more than my share. I was born in South Texas to a single mother of 4. Divorce came soon after getting pregnant with me. She was an alcoholic and abusive. At the age of 7, maybe it was 9, i was molested by a brother. At 13, I was raped by a neighbor. (Do you see the cycle beginning here?) At that time i feel into a deep depression which caused me to black out my younger years. I suppose it was just too much to handle. While all of this is happening i am enrolled in CCD classes and sunday school. The message that came across. I was going to hell. At least that is the message to all those who participate in sexual activity. Noone took the time to explain that rape and molestation were different circumstances. I dont remember losing my virginity but by the age of 13 i was extreamly sexually active and had 4 partners that i "enjoyed" regularly. It started with a fear of getting raped again. In my head i had convinced myself that i wouldnt get raped if i gave into it willingly.
From fear to willingness eventually enjoyment and finally addiction. Its a short road to addiction. It was at 16 that i realized i had a problem. I sought the guidance and understanding from our local church youth group .. in which i was continually harrassed. The director always trying to fondle me or kiss me .. even locked me in an office where he tried to .. well im not sure what he was trying to do .. luckily there was a knock at the door and i was able to leave. I left with the thought, "if i cant trust the church .. where do i turn now?" Through the years i became suicidal. I ran from my thoughts of suicide with sex in which made me more depressed.