Introducing myself.... PT. I

Is it possible to believe in God for the sole purpose of having someone to blame at the end? Proclaiming that you are not in control of your life when you have placed it in the hands the Almighty? It is possible. Or maybe believing in God is all someone has in order to stay sane. At the age of 28 i have had my share of trials and tribulations. After thinking a moment .. i have had more than my share. I was born in South Texas to a single mother of 4. Divorce came soon after getting pregnant with me. She was an alcoholic and abusive. At the age of 7, maybe it was 9, i was molested by a brother. At 13, I was raped by a neighbor. (Do you see the cycle beginning here?) At that time i feel into a deep depression which caused me to black out my younger years. I suppose it was just too much to handle. While all of this is happening i am enrolled in CCD classes and sunday school. The message that came across. I was going to hell. At least that is the message to all those who participate in sexual activity. Noone took the time to explain that rape and molestation were different circumstances. I dont remember losing my virginity but by the age of 13 i was extreamly sexually active and had 4 partners that i "enjoyed" regularly. It started with a fear of getting raped again. In my head i had convinced myself that i wouldnt get raped if i gave into it willingly.
From fear to willingness eventually enjoyment and finally addiction. Its a short road to addiction. It was at 16 that i realized i had a problem. I sought the guidance and understanding from our local church youth group .. in which i was continually harrassed. The director always trying to fondle me or kiss me .. even locked me in an office where he tried to .. well im not sure what he was trying to do .. luckily there was a knock at the door and i was able to leave. I left with the thought, "if i cant trust the church .. where do i turn now?" Through the years i became suicidal. I ran from my thoughts of suicide with sex in which made me more depressed.