Pt II .. prisioner to myself.

at the age of 19, i assumed beginning adulthood would be a new beginning. I fell in love and after a few months became engaged. While planning the wedding i moved in with him and reveived the biggest slap in te face i could have ever imagined. After only a couple of days .. he became jealous and very controlling. He was physically and emotionally abusive. The last straw was when i came home from working a 16 hour shift and was too tired to have sex. He held a box cutter to my throat and raped me. I was completely lost and still i felt like a prisioner. Not to the abuse or from fear.. it was my own pride that held me captive. How do i go back to my family and say that i was wrong. Wrong in love, and wrong in life. It only took a few more days to completely tear me apart. I was left with nothing and felt as if i had nothing more to do but crawl back home and hope for understanding. I was left in a daze for weeks... dealing with him stalking me .. harrassing me.. slahing my tires as well as the tires to my moms and brothers vehicles. He even kicked my dog until it died. all i could think was at least im out.
A year later i fell in love again. That led to marriage and that only lasted 5 years.
My past found a way to sneak into my thoughts and build up my fears. I reacted to those fears and that caused arguements. Those arguements into fights and finally divorce. in the end all i could remember were the good times .. all he could remember were the bad times. I thanked God that at least we could still be friends.
The my third and last love .. it was love at first sight. The moment i saw him i knew that i had to be with him. It moved quickly .. but i suppose i always do. Moved in together only a month after dating. We we best friends. Perfect for each other and great together. One day I went to work and by the time i came back 8 hours later he had packed his things and left. I came home to a letter on my couch. And no way to get a hold of him. After crying and moving on .. i could only Thank God that i didnt go through another horrible break up. God must have known that i would not have been able to handle fighting and argueing again.
So here i am .. almost a year of being single .. reflecting on my past .. it amazes me that although i was faithful in my relationships i still managed to find 46 partners .. well 46 male partners and 5 female. How do i move on?