oh yea .. hes bipolar!

or schizo .. or just plain crazy .. i forgot that part ..
So I pick up my daughter from school and she is asking for him. Daddy?? well more like Daaaatttyyy??? and tilts her head in wonderment. "sorry baby daddy aint here today"
So I text him.. it honestly kills me for her to ask for him. I ask if there is any way for us to find peace for our kids? Hell no he answers. I knew he would say that.
I tell him that i hate going through all the bullshit and hope that we can figure shit out without the hatred. He doesnt see that happening.
I am a peace maker .. He is a grudge holder. He holds on the crap for years and years.
Finally he calms down .. we talk for a while .. well text for a while .. I know he is texting other people while we talk . I dont mention it .. but i know him to well. Finally i ask .. he says hes not .. and instant pissed .. He always gets pissed when he is lying. I know this
He starts to asks a ton of questions about me ... i answer no problem .. I ask about one women he finally admits to .. married 2 kids ... says hes only spoken to her once ... its a lie ..i can tell but the increase of cuss words he uses in his text messages .. I change the subject to talk about family guy ... about 3o minutes he is cussing me out beyond belief .. I have no clue what happened
I can only assume that he sent her a message that was meant for me .. and she called his ass out!
so his only option is to find a way to quit talking to me ..
which is fine.
I say goodnight .. he goes on to talk to someone else ... how do i know .. cause i got a message at midnight that had nothing to do with me.
His mood changes .. i cant stand them .. its another reason we will never find peace ..
I suggested once he should find counsoling ... I told him i honestly thought he was bipolar ..
he didnt say anything .. i hope he is actually thinking about it for the safety of our children
and for his own safety

Boo!

So I got off graveyard shift and took my daughter to school. Had to stay up so I can go to the attorney generals office at 9. Figured I'd kill an hour and check my mail see what was going on in the yahoo world. It was all good until i got a message.. heyya stranger. Yea one of my old "buddies". Havent spoken to him since i was pregnant with my daughter .. about 2 years. "Not much" i replied "just trying to kill time". "how bout a blow job"? he ask. .. "eh no thanks i still dont have a cock .. sorry
but im sure i can find a guy for you" .. .ha ha ha .. not really what he meant .. i already knew that ..
so he goes into how much he thinks about me and my umm talents .. and really misses them. Yea yea yea ... ive heard it before ..
He ask about a friend of mine that 3somed with us before .. asked if we still played around with each other cause he would love to watch. "oh i bet you would" i say .. but no schedules dont really allow us any play time ...
"are you still trying to be a good girl" he ask .. "lol lol"
umm.. not really trying but i guess i have been good .. loyal to P to a point...
he offered to take care of my needs when ever i need it ..
im horny as hell .. really need release .. its all i can think of .. it controls my day .. i think about being touched being kissed .. getting my pussy eaten out .. and getting a nice cock to slam into me till i cum! i need it .. i want it ..

But not with him
and when i think about it .. i can no longer see myself with anyone but P
I think i love him .. and in love with him .. and even through all the shit .. all the fucked up shit that has happened in the last year .. i need him
not the way its been but the way it was .. before the pressure before the expectations .. before all the shit
and i can only see myself with him .. and right now i only want him .. noone else ..
and then i realize this is when it starts .. this is how it starts ..
If i cant have him .. i might as well just fuck around because everyone else is just a fuck either way .... right?
I didnt do it .. i dont want to .. I NEED TO .. but i dont want to do it with him ..
The only one i want to please and to please me is P.
Thats it .. hes my one and only right now .. except we are no longer together ..
BOO!
where do i end up from here .. fucking everyone that passes me by? the way it was before?

losing the battle winning the war?

Is it even possible? So my situation has changed how ever does change who I am or what I am. I still have an addiction, I am still weak. My thoughts still controlled at every moment. Now I havent acted upon my wants or my needs in over a year. Well, maybe I have and just used P to satisfy myself. I would love to say that my actions changed the moment I found out that i was pregnant but truth is they didnt. I stop going to bars, but still had friends that would come by and visit. A stuck around me through out pregnancy. Was it sweet of him? Was it him wanting to step in and play hero again? Or just his wanting to take care of me again? Either way he was there to satisfy any need I had. After baby arrived I got involved with a friend of A's. I know it was wrong but I couldnt stop myself it happened .. it caused a major disfunction with me and A. We no longer talk .. he couldnt believe my actions. I couldnt believe my actions. He was by my side to the day baby was born and again the day i was released from the hospital and I betrayed him. It happens in this life. As much as I wanted to do right my him, by my daughter, and for myself my addiction got the better of me. AGAIN! When I finally had the guts to call it quits with the friend me and A were too far gone. A month later P came back into the picture and the drama has taken over. In between the drama we used each other to satisfy our sexual needs. Was it right? Is it better than going off with some stranger? Sex is Sex. If there is nothing more to it doesnt really matter who you are involving. And now I am left to myself .. I am trying to control it. I battle it everyday. Im losing. I want more .. I need more...
I will lose ... its just a matter of time

So why did I stay around so long?

What is the saying, "keep your friends close, your enemies closer?" Well that is part of it. I didnt want to be the one to throw my little lamb to the wolf. Partly decided to keep trying to protect my daughter, and partly because I did love him. Or loved what I thought was him. In the last 16 months the truth of him as surely changed.
And now I have been threatened with a lawyer and will have to face the reality that custody battle is the future. I was trying to wait until my boy was born but I guess that just wont happen.
I can only hope that i dont have any more complications with my pregnancy than I already have .. its been a tough 23 weeks ...

these are the facts ...

and nothing but the facts ... (as I will have to present to the lawyer I have been threatened with)

I met P online around February 2004 … continued a very very casual relationship .. he didn’t want a girlfriend I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend … he made it clear he didn’t want children and I was told that I couldn’t have children. The relationship worked for us at the time. He worked at various jobs keeping him away or on call 24 hours a day .. or a least that is what I was told. During the coarse of being together he rarely shared anything about himself. He did happen to mention that he did have a son. Was born when he was 16 or 17 years of age. He told me that he never mentioned the birth of his child to anyone, not even his parents. The child passed away around 18 months. ( I am not sure of the specific age) I do remember that even though we were getting closer at that time I also started to question his honesty. I had a hard time understanding how someone could have a child and not share the information with his parents.

April 23 2007 –home test positive
P's reaction asking me to have an abortion said he didn’t want anything to do with me and having a child and that it would be the worse thing to happen to him. He said that if I had the child I would never see him again.
April 26 2007 – blood test results positive
Hadnt heard from P and when I text him he said he was not going to have anything to do with me.
October 3 2007 – Sonogram showed having a girl sent P a text got no response
December 11, 2007 – baby was born, I sent P a picture and message did not get a response. Later when I did hear from him he said that he didn’t get the picture but still didn’t want anything to do with her or me.
June 5 2008 – received a text from P asking how baby was doing .. sent him a picture and no other response
July 7 2008 – received a text from P, asking if we could work things out. Talked on the phone later that night
July 10, 2008 – P was back from out of town and came over to meet baby.
July 18, 2008 – met his mom
July 22, 2008 _- had lunch with P and mom… was given $35 to help with what baby may need.
August 5, 2008 – P started working
August 9, 2008 – first fight
August 18, 2008 – P quit working
August 22, 2008 – $75 child care/$180 food and clothes
September 8, 2008 – Broke up/September 25, 2008 – back together
September 28, 2008 – broke up/October 4, 2008 – back together
October 16 – broke up (several fights in between and on several occasions he stated that he didn’t want anything to do with me or baby and that he would rather sign over his rights.)
November 3, 2008 – back together – November 11, 2008 broke up
November 16, 2008 – back together
November 18, 2008 – broke up .. made comment (I took as a threat) toward my mother
Saying “next time she gets in my way I will be so far up her ass she wont be able to walk for a week” (Not on this date but He had also made comments about my sister in law that he was going to tell her off and take care of things )
December 1, 2008 back –December 9, 2009 broke up
January 2, 2009 – back together January 4 broke up
January 18, 2009 – back together
January 27, 2009 – had meeting at work .. 9 am to 11 am .. left P to take care of baby.. upon my return there was a porn video on top of the DVD player .. he said that he had put baby in her room and just decided to put the video in.
February 6, 2009 – broke up/February 26, 2009 – back –March 4, 2009 – large fight March 8th gone
March 21, 2009 – back together March 29th broke up … P punched a dent into hood of my car
April 21, 2009 – back together April 24, 2009 broke up
May 7, 2009 – back together May 10, 2009 (mothers day) broke up
June 25, 2009 – back together
July 2, 2009 – huge fight … cussing and yelling at me in front of family –broke up
Again stated that he didn’t want anything to do with baby and he wished to sign over his rights. Received an email from his mom the next couple of days stating that she and his father would decide what was best for our situation.
July 11, 2009 – received several text messages on phone and email .. threats for me to watch my back … made police report CN ~~~42
July 14, 2009 – back together July 15, 2009 – broke up
July 18, 2009 – pregnancy test positive
July 20, 2009 – back together August 1, 2009 gone
September 5, 2009 – received several email and text threatening me and threatening to get me fired from work .
From September to November 3, 2009 back and forth weekly almost daily
October 19, 2009 – huge fight at P's house. Over his smoking weed. He stated he couldn’t wait to start smoking again and that he would rather continue smoking that to care or be a part of his childrens life. He stated he was a pot head and will always remain a pot head and he wasn’t going to give it up for anything. He would rather lose his family that to give it up.
October 26 to November 3 rd – found out he had several accounts for dating sites, Eharmony, plenty of fish, single net, flirt, as well as advertisements on craigslist looking to hook up
Very early after P coming back I found some text messages on his phone of sexual nature that he had been exchanging with a man from Robstown. The earliest advertisement I know of on craigslist was in January of 2009. He also advertised himself on his myspace account as single and looking. Listing women as a hobby of his. And several other sites he was a member of looking to hook up ...