facing disgrace

In order to change, someone must proclaim a change in you. In order to be different someone else must see a difference in you. Without the views of others, you are nothing .. so here i am trying to change the views of others in order to be a better person.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

Im an easy going open minded person just trying to enjoy life reguardless of how many bumps my be on the road. oh and i also have a sexual addiction.

4.29.2006

damn im pooped ...

my 1st day working out .. yup i joined a gym... i figured i could use some toning up as well as shedding a few pounds .. damn i am pooped. I went in hopeing to get some cardio .. 1st machine ... stair stepper .. wrong move .. 3 minutes into it .. my legs wanted to clapse from under me .. well i forced in 10 minutes then moved to the treadmill .. got about 20 minutes .. or so .. did pretty good .. i guess ...
then worked my legs ..
Suppose to head out with R and gfriend .. i hope he is ready to carry me .. my legs feel like jello .. luckily we are headed for dinner and then a strip club .. so i can just lay back and chill while watching naked dancers ..
aside from all that .. dad is really pissing me off ... he decided that he would brag to his son on how he took care of his youngest daughter... (my half sister ... 10 years younger than me) sent her a 17 thousand dollar check for back child support ...
okay the problem .. he had 4 children with my mom and never sent child support ... rumor has it that he has two other sons .. somewhere in the world .. maybe mexico .. maybe north texas .. some where .. didnt support them either .. so why 17 thousand to her? well cant say .. but the rest of us .. my sibling and myself are a tad bit upset ... we are all adults we know .. but maybe if he had paid child support we could have gone to college instead of working right out of high school .. maybe we could have done more activities ..instead of being limited to the ones that are free... maybe we could have had better clothes in school....actual basketball shoes for my games ..
.. too late to complain .. but it is still bothering me ..

oh well im off for some steak and titties

4.26.2006

Happy Anniversary .. !!!

1 year .. since my divorce. okay so not really a happy occassion. But an anniversary none the less. A divorsary. The last year has been a train wreck... After my divorce L stepped into my life. fell in love with him instantly. Love at first sight and i didnt even believe in that. well when that ended with a note on my couch saying he was leaving .. P stepped up to plate but he went off for work just a couple of months ago. Odd thing is .. not one fight .. not one arguement .. no major disagreements.. just splitting up. Relationships end. Are relationships coming with expiration dates now? Stay together a few months and move on. Sadly enough its not even moving on to something better.. just move on. L decided that he may still care for his X but never picked things back up with her. So he is single .... and apparently depressed about the whole situation. On occassion i get a text message or an email saying how much he missed me and he still loved me. P just decided that he no longer like corpus .. so he moved to another state... oh what fun. havent heard from him in about 4 weeks .. so im not really sure how he is.. good i can only hope. My ex husband .. well even as great friends hasnt called in about 3 months. Didnt even say goodbye. I know its weird .. he is my ex-husband .. why would he say goodbye? well we were best friends .. from beginning to well apparently now the end. Stayed friends through the divorce and after. When his mother became ill .. i helped him get to indiana. Stayed in touch up until january. He said he would call me back .. and well that was the end of it. Nothing more.. nothing less. Just nothing at all. Expirations??.... its sad. A friend of mine called me up .. she is engaged. known him for 8 months.. and ready for marriage .. but she worked it all up in her head.. they will move in together in a month or so .. see how that works out. If and she stressed .. IF they make it .. married in 2008. if not oh well .. no big loss. No big loss? what is wrong in society today .. are we just blind to commitment? why are we so open to change and the idea of short term affection? Short term love?
if it works good.. if not .. oh well .. just move on to the next love of my life..
cause really .. its only the first marriage ..
its the third one that matter.. how does the saying go .. third one is the charm?
Short term love... well happy divorsary.

4.25.2006

"I'm Looking for Cock...."

"ummm I'm sorry?"
"cock .. to fill my holes......."
"do you mean Caulk?"
"yes thats what i said .. cock"
being in a hardware store is so confusing.. but at least he had a sense of humor and only laughed at my cousin for a bit. I laughed my ass off. It was the funniest thing... imagine she is about 5'1 itty little thing .. looking all confused and lost .. and what is the first thing she says .. "i'm looking for cock" "I need cock" oh .. it was funny


after that we headed to watch a play preformed by middle school kids. On the Holocaust. It was an original preformances and it was amazing. There is so much talent in these kids. Another cousin's daughter is about 12 now and she has shown so much talent. I am impressed by these kids.

4.24.2006

Have you read it?


Huanted by Chuck Palahniuk
Its the first I have heard of him. First I've heard of this book. I am half way through it and already amazed at the detail and talent of this writer. Its gross yet unbelievable. Its a train wreck you can't stop looking at. Everytime I put this book down I am forced to pick it up again just to see what else he has imagined, what else has been printed on these pages? What else could these characters do to each other and to themselves. The characters make me feel sane.. I love it.
One line stays in my mind. (this isnt really a blog about the book .. but more about my thoughts)
"The difference in how you look and how you see yourself
is enough to kill most people"
Its a scary thought. I find that most things that people would love to change are the hardest to accept about themselves. Too ashamed... to far into denial or just simply scared of themselves. Its enough to kill most people. the path of how you portray yourself and who you are never seem to meet. Always spending your time running from yourself. If i were to watch myself or my life on video i too would freak. I know what i am, who i am .. but still i have only come to terms with it recently. Before i could change i had to first accept. I am an addict. I have an addictive personality and compulsive behaviors. i am random in my thoughts and weakened by my passions. least likely to make commitments and yet im loyal to my addictions. (loyal to my addictions?? sounded good in my head. i suppose its the loyalty that transforms into an addiction) At least I am no longer running.

Lesson for STU



Ready for the excitement? Ready to learn all that my world offers?

It is Me, KayLa. Keeper of the keys.

The keys that would open a whole new world for you. Are you ready? Can you handle it?

What is it that you are here for? What is it that you would like to learn? Do you have anything to offer for my lessons? What will I gain if i take you under my wings? Teach you? Mold you? Create you? A sacrificial offering as if to give up the virgins to the lords in hopes to keep them calm and happy

.. what would you give to Me, KayLa ---- the key to your future?

**wink wink**

4.22.2006

Group Masturbation.....

He came over thinking he would get laid. They met on the internet. It was a swingers group for the locals. They IM-ed about what she would do to him once he arrived. There was no reason to think he wouldnt get laid. I walked in the door to see them comfortable in the living room. He sitting on the floor against the couch and she was laid across it. Her boyfriend, asleep in her bed. I said my hellos and offered them privacy by heading to my room. I just got off a 12 hours shift, not in the mood for much but some bed time. I kicked off my shoes and then heard a knock on my door. There he stood wanting me to spend some time with them. "them" she was my roommate .. we both enjoyed each others sexual addictions and loved to have fun .. He a stranger i hadnt even heard his name. I sat on the floor with my back towards my bedroom door .. about 10 ft from the two of them. She gives me a look. She's ready to play. I ask what he was wanting from the night. What was he expecting. he smile and i knew it was sex. So i suggested a game .. he would be in total control except for one thing. She took off her halter top and covered his eyes. I explained that the way the night ended would depend on him. He quickly became excited and she laid there with only a black lace bra covering her 36D tits. I asked what he would like now that he has two women surrounding him .. one already half naked. He confessed his fantacy of watching 2 girls together and then being invited to join in. Thats when i took my cue to fill in the blanks.
she began running her finger nails across his skin as I began my story. As roommates we have often been left with nothing more to do than drink together and watch movies. Sometimes those movies are very sexual. Its pretty hard not to get turned on especially when you love cock the way that we do. (she gives me a smile ..i know she is starting to enjoy it too) i can tell his cock is beginning to rise as her hands caress his body and he starts to picture us together. I continue, there have been times when we simply cannot resist .. it starts off with giggling .. a sign that we understand to mean that one or both of us are really turned on. Then moving closer we begin to kiss and fondle at each others body. Its easy since we have talked about what we both enjoy sexually i know that kissing and sucking on her tits is a huge turn on for her. I know that a gentle bite on her nipple makes her pussy wet. At this he let out a small moan .. i asked if he would like to stroke his dick while i tell the rest of my story .. he said yes and undressed, He also took this chance to pull off the blind fold .. i guess he wanted to see all of the action that was about to take place. He cock stood fully erect and he took it into his hands. She came to sit closer to me after pulling off her bra and jeans .. I pick up the story.. After sucking her tits i start to stroke her cunt, i can feel the wetness on my fingers. It feels great. I bring my fingers to my mouth just for a small taste. She spreads her legs for me and i begin to eat her pussy. Her hand slips between her legs and i can hear that her pussy is already wet. He is jacking off and i can tell his dick is starting to swell. I can feel her pussy starting to cum as i tongue her hole and suck on her clit. she bucks her hips towards my face and comes a second time. Once she has caught her breath she pushes me to my lay on my back and climbs between my legs. She has pulled out a dildo and i can hear it begin to humm...my pussy is already wet and she easily slides it into me. She licks and sucks on my clit as she pumps the dildo into my pussy and begins to fuck me with it. He starts to pump harder .. his breath getting shallow and quick. She too is starting to finger fuck her pussy and is moaning. I conclude the story .. My pussy started to pulsate and i began to squirt as i came. I'm moaning and pushing in towards the dildo coming again and again as my pussy squirts its juices. She is covered in my cum and begins to lick it up and clean my pussy. I bring her face up to mine and kiss and lick her gently i can taste my pussy from her lips.
He begins to to cum and his moans are joined by hers as her pussy cums on her fingers.
I leave them to calm their breathing slip into my room. I can hear them talking about thier experience, clean up and say their goodbyes. He walked out the door and she snuck into bed with her boyfriend still sound asleep. I laid in bed thinking of how I controled the night and he never even objected. I fingered my pussy to orgasm. It was a good night.

4.21.2006

"Dude are you spooning me?"


okay so not exactly spooning....... **wink wink**

I have been told that i am sometimes crude. Say things a little mean... but when i felt his arm around my waist .. i couldn't think of anything else. i felt the weight of his arm and i freaked. Okay i didnt just freak... i had a panic attact. Can you imagine? my heart started racing .. i could no longer breathe .. all because he started spooning me during the night. i think he was offended .. but i figure .. just because A has been staying with me doesnt make us a couple. Right .. Spooning is a couple thing .. lets not get confused. We both fell back to sleep.
I have to work all weekend. and go to graveyards... i hate graveyards.. but ill live.
But its time to head for bed ...

4.20.2006

Hotness increases with drunkeness

So R keeps wanting me to join in with him and gfriend. She is not hot .. and i dont believe that there is enough alcohol that can change that. NOT HOT! not even cute .. okay .. i know --- who am i to judge right. Im 5'10 brn hr/brn eyes hispanic with shoulder length wavy hair .. I am not a model .. but i have never had complaints made about my looks (or my talents). I have had my share of guys, chics... and yes even strippers. I dont need to stoop that low. I can't do it... she just doesn't do it for me.
It started up again when R sent me an email .. they headed out to cheeta's for some saturday night fun. Apparently Gfriend was trying to seduce a chic into sleeping with her... so the story started out. R claimed that there was another couple and things didnt work out since the guy was not into swinging. Later i found out that the couple was a dancer giving a dance to a customer whom she didnt know. (R is not a good liar........and i can always get the real story after a couple of questions) Gfriend was making a play for the dancer and got shot down .. now they want us all to head out this coming saturday for some fun and another shot at the dancer. It is true that i have been able to take home dancers before .. but i just dont think i can do it when that is the main goal of the night. I dont work that way. but then again .. i was told that even if we dont get another chic involved that we would still have fun with each other... damn i need another shot of tequila while i think about it. More Vodka!! More Jack!!!!!
But then again ...........going out for some fun sounds pretty good .. i just need an out for the end of the night .. so they can go off with out me. woohoo.

4.19.2006

"It wasnt the helicopters ...

It was beauty that killed the beast."
yea .. i watched the 3 hour movie... Why? because A was so into watching it and so excited that i went out to rent it .. he was a giddish school boy .. and i figured renting it before buying it sounded like a good idea just to make sure that he liked it. did it matter? i hated it .. i mean really ---dinosaurs? A loved it .. but then again he has seen all the old films in black and white and he thought it was the greatest. I have never seen even one of the King Kong Movies. (is there more than one .. i dont even know)
After taking a week off we are back to a daily. Not a couple .. thank goodness .. not ready for couple hood... but back to a daily with A.
okay so on to more important things...
A friend of mine who is very religious and goes to church regularly is having marital problems. Not sure what she should do .. the problem is .. (and i find this is very common with couples who start bible studies) ... that her husband no longer helps around the house and is very dominant. Now why is that? Bible study should make a couple more respectful towards each other and more willing to help each other in need. three of the 4 couples that gathered together on Mondays are having this problem... I went into this group already divorced but i went through it as well. Seems that since the bible teaches different scriptures on women being submissive and men the head of the house, men begin to change. Readings that state "if the woman is to learn .. let the man teach her". Okay i've read these scriptures .. i get it. I understand how men can let it go to their heads.... but really .. Men dont take it literally.
It causes problems......Okay i've met her husband .. and he takes the scripture way to literal... if the woman is to learn .. let the man teach her... the problem with this is that the man should know and understand before he "teaches" his woman. If the man hasnt a clue .. the woman should teach him.
we have had our friendly "discussions" in which i tell him that he is completely wrong about what he is talking about .. and i have yet to be invited back for group discussions .. (he doesnt take corrections well) but i think (and i told her) that the bible is a guide to life .. its Life.. for dummies. understand that it is inspired by the Word of God but it is not God's word. It is still written by men and those teachings are to be used for good not evil. Being submissive to man doesnt mean to do as he says .. The way i see it .. its okay to let the man wear the pants in the house ... just be sure to control the belt that holds them up.

4.18.2006

Dirty White Boy ...

He says, "Tell me you want it!"
I say, "Oh yes i want it"
He, "tell me you like it"
I, "oh yes i like it..."
"tell me you need it .."
"Yes i need it!!"
"tell me I have the biggest cock you've ever had!"
I say, "Banana! Banana"
Every one needs a safety word!
Oh well.... so I was asked if A was dirty white..im not sure what that meant so my response was "well .. he is a little kinky .. loves anal .. but dirty .. i dont think that he is." maybe it wasnt the best thing to say to my mother .. but then again she asked.
I figure she meant if he was trailor park white ... "no i suppose he is not .. he comes from a wealthy family who drank themselves out of the will. but he does well for himself .. "
so the joke for the night .. was dirty white ... and we drank shots all night in celebration of the dirty white boys of america ...
he says ... "dirty white .. nahh ... i just like it a little rough .. but nothing that leaves bruises. At least he can laugh at the joke.
He still wants to watch King Kong ... i think if i wait long enough he will forget about it ..
at least i keep hoping.

4.17.2006

Sleep is good ..

Monday morning .. and my family has made its way back home.. This week has been filled with so much and yet we never have enough time or things to do. Since my sister has been here its been going here going there .. starting our days at 7 in the morning and ending after midnight .. today we had our goodbye breakfast and i was back in bed by 1130 .. damn i love sleep.
Easter was great .. very very busy .. i got to bust the pinata .. and that started a whole 30 minute discussion on .. "what kind of sick freak created the pinata, no really ,.. you would have to be sick to say .. hey lets create a paper mache (sorry cant spell today) bunny and cover it with creap paper fill it with a ton of candy .. hang it from a tree .. give a kid a stick .. blind fold him .. spin him around till he gets dizzy .. and tell him to start swinging... then let a ton of other kids run into the war zone to grab at all the candy that falls .."

its fun .. an luckily noone got hurt this year...
my family has grown .. from 5 members to 12 ... and we now have a branch on our family tree .. my brother at 36 has finally done his job and the Perez family will not die off .. (i have two brothers and my dad was an only son .. so the family name was dependent on them to keep it striving .. for a while we were worried that they would never settle down and start a family)

I took a couple of extra days off so now i must find something to fill the void ..
A wants to watch King Kong .. so maybe tonight ..
but only after we go drinking .. time for some alcohol ..

4.12.2006

Handing out Curses....

okay so everyday i get a ton of emails that start out as a good message. God will bless those in need .. God is watching over you .. God Bless you... but then i get to the end of the message and it always ends the same way. Send this to 7 people and you will receive a blessing ... okay so what happens if i dont send it to 7 people.. am i cursed? is that what people keep passing to me. A curse.. i thought i had friends .. but its like having someone putting a snake in your hands and saying it will be okay .. as long as you pass it along to another friend... if not its going to attact. (bad luck) i dont believe in luck........... good or bad... I have enough going on in my life .. i dont need to be passed an email to receive a blessing .. plus i dont know 7 people that would enjoy me passing along those type of letters. and i dont think its nice to basically send an email that curses those who dont pass along chain email letters...
anyways .. so the last couple of days have been filled with spoiling my new nephew.. well not spoiling him .. since i cant really do much yet .. he is only 3 days old. But i love to go and hold him and help feed him .. then i pass him back to my brother to change when he make poo or pee. My sis is coming to town this week for easter weekend. it should be alot of fun.

4.09.2006

Yea to Breast feeding....

well my nephew was born today ... 10 minute labor the boy was ready to meet and greet the world. I went to see him and the nurse brought him to momma. Im a chic .. i know what breast look like .. but really do you have to just pull them right out and breast feed? at least warn me so i can look away ..
My nephew is cute .. but i just didnt need to witness that.
anyhow .. that was my day ..


this week has been weird... i am in a "what the hell are we doing" situation with A
He comes over every other night and calls me everyday .. yea we are on a daily with each other .
When we were just on a weekly a month ago. When the hell did we make that jump? and it just sneaked up on me... it wasnt until my cousin mentioned ...."wow so you have seen him like 4 times this week..... that kinda sounds like a relationship" what ? relationship.....? when the hell did that happen ................... no we've never even talked about a relationship ..
now A calls everyday .. and stays with me every other day ... and worst part .. i actually like it ..
yup..... im enjoying it .. and am now wonering were this could lead .. am i ready for that .,.?
who knows .. but he is on his way over and im happy that i get to see him again tonight .. so im off to get ready ..

4.04.2006

Sex Blog Tuesday ..

woohoo .. well its tuesday and im bored at work-- so i figured i would entertain myself by making today sex blog day. Today blog is an embellishment of actual events with the creativity of --umm... my sick mind.
It starts off with a late night phone call from A. He said he accidently left his work keys and would have to stop by to pick them up. As he walks through the door he greeted me with a long sensual kiss. "Well that's different", i said as we moved to the sofa to watch some television. We had our usual general conversation of "how are you?" "how was work?" "how is your family? Brother? neice? dog?" "good, fine, great, awesome" and then we realized it was getting late. He asked if it was cool to stay the night. I smiled and said yes, it was nice for him to ask even though he was already staying with me most nights of the week. We walked into the bedroom and as he laid on the bed he tells me, "well if you want me, you have to undress me first". hmm.. is he giving into a submissive role tonight? i pull off his shirt, and he lays back on the bed. i pass him the joint and as he takes a hit i pull his belt from his jeans. He releases his hit and i lightly whip his belt across his side. He gives me a look of suprise, then smiles and lays back into the mattress. he takes another hit and i whip him again. he flenches his body and then relaxes a bit. He passes the joint back and as i inhale, he begins to pull off my shirt. He kisses my neck and breast then, i push him back on the bed. I begin to unbutton his jeans and plant little kisses along his waist. I pull his jeans and boxers off and straddle his waist as i take another hit. he begins to reach up to caress my breast and i whip his arms with the belt .. and give him a smile to let him know that i am in charge. i slid back on the bed and and begin to take him in my mouth. i hear him gasp as i take him in. I made a loop with his belt and slide it over his cock. I pull the belt tight and continue to suck his member. His archs his back and is stunned by the tight belt around him.

woohoo its 5 and time to go home .. the story will

be continued.....