facing disgrace
In order to change, someone must proclaim a change in you. In order to be different someone else must see a difference in you. Without the views of others, you are nothing .. so here i am trying to change the views of others in order to be a better person.
About Me
- Name: mekayla
- Location: Texas, United States
Im an easy going open minded person just trying to enjoy life reguardless of how many bumps my be on the road. oh and i also have a sexual addiction.
3.15.2010
and i needed it. Went to visit my ex-husband ... my best friend. Like always he makes me laugh and smile. If for only a moment I forget my problems.
3.14.2010
and broken again
yup... had a horrible day today. had a huge fight with my mom over her hitting my daughter. Ok my daughter is 2 .. doesnt listen at all .. misbehaves and throws tantrums .. but does every 2 year old do that? we were at church i had her and the baby .. my mom was trying to calm her down and as i am getting my son i heard a smack .. right across my daughters thigh .. i didnt even know how to react .. everyone in the church turned and stared ... i couldnt believe it. I immediately had tears in my eyes. How dare she hit my daughter. My mother so quickly forgets that as her daughter i know how she can be. She use to hit us when we were little ... not spank but hit .... beat is more like it. Me and my sister got the worst of it. She beat us but doesnt remember. She doesnt remember me being molested either. uggh i was so mad .. i told her how mad i was and if she couldnt respect how i want to raise my child i would no longer leave my daughter with her. I am now left to find child care for my children elsewhere .. but who? yea i had to call P. ugggh!! i hated to do it .. i had tears in my eyes the whole time i talked to him. Asking if he would start keeping the kids .. i had no other choice .. noone else ... i am left to give up on so much of what i believe. I have to forget the hurt he has caused me and forget all of my pain and just put my children first. uugh!! broken again.... he said he would help ..with the understanding that he takes care of them friday saturday and sunday and buys formula diapers wipes when he can .. and in exchange i dont ask for child support .. is it fair? who knows .. will it work? i can only hope and pray that my children turn out ok. and that they will be safe in his care. i dont know what else to do .. i am broken .. and heart broken over it all.
3.13.2010
uuugh!!!
I am usually fine. I have a pretty positive attitude. I try to see the brighter side of things. I am seen my future. I have accepted my present. I know what I have to do in order to be the best mother I can be. Every time i see his name or hear his voice I am instantly pissed! I cant help it i am so angry with him. I am so filled with hate! And its pissing me off that he can fill me with that much anger. I hate that he can effect me so much within seconds. I hate it! I know I am being a bitch to him but I just cant help it. Then I am instantly sad that I behave so badly. He may deserve it, but I dont want to be that type of person. ugggh!! P pisses me off!!! and I hate that I let him do it
3.11.2010
Memories...
"I walked into the bar.. ordered my drink .. looked around. He was sitting a few tables down with a friend of his. I caught his eye, and could see him stumble on his words. He smiled. I smiled. I sat down with my friend at the end of the bar. I was waiting for my date to arrive, but i couldnt stop looking at him. His smile, his body, the thoughts began to run through my mind. My date still hasnt arrived and I had to approach him. 'Now how is a girl suppose to offer to buy you a drink when you havent finished the one you have?' His friend grabbed his beer and chugged it. It was good for a laugh. His name was mike. He was adorable. We talked a few minutes and i returned to K still sitting at the bar. My date running late. Mike now comes over to chat a few minutes. Me and K have decided to go to another place to play pool. I tell him where to find me if he is interested. My date was suppose to meet us at our new destination. We start a game of pool and Mike walks through the door. I buy him his beer. We get close and immediately begin to kiss. K informs me that my date has arrived. Oh well. Thats the down fall of making me wait. After a few games we head to our apartment to play cards. Within a few minutes me and mike have made our way to my room. K and my date remain in the kitchen playing poker or black jack. We began to kiss, and I got down on my knees in front of him. I unzip his pants and take his cock into my mouth. It was beautiful. It was so good. His cock was nice and hard and i loved the way it felt in my mouth. After a few minutes he reminds me we have to get back to K and the date. Oopps. We return and K laughs. Yes we are umm heading to bed. My date is confused and quite pissed but what was I to do? Mike and I say our goodbyes and head to the room with the cards. We play high low. He lost the first round, off with the shirt. I lost the second round, off with my shirt. A few rounds later we were both naked on the bed, he laid me on the bed and began kissing me. Moving down to kiss my neck, chest, breast, stomach, and down to my pussy. He begins licking me, sucking on my clit. It was amazing. As I approached climax he bit down on my clit. The pain was unbelievable. It hurt but made me cum even more. It was intense. I begged for more. He was ready to fuck my cunt. He slid his cock into me, slowly pumping away. As he fucked me, he began bitting me. All over, my neck, my tits, my stomach. He bit hard, but it felt amazing. I could feel another orgasm build up, I was ready to explode. He bit down on my tits. I came and came again. He quickened his pace and I could feel his cock stretch my pussy. He bit me, sucked on my flesh, and fucked me hard. He filled me with his cum."
These memories fill my head. I think about it all day long. I cannot fight it. I cannot forget it. Mike was in my life for several weeks. We had amazing sex, he opened my eyes to the joy of biting.
But now the thoughts consume me. Its a battle that will not end.
These memories fill my head. I think about it all day long. I cannot fight it. I cannot forget it. Mike was in my life for several weeks. We had amazing sex, he opened my eyes to the joy of biting.
But now the thoughts consume me. Its a battle that will not end.
3.08.2010
Paternity determined
SO one question has been answered .. A is the father of baby girl. Not P. One sigh of relief but yet P is the father of Baby Boy. :( and i found out that A has another son .. only 9 months younger than my daughter. I cant consider it cheating since we were never together but where did he have the time? He was with me 4 or 5 days a week during my entire pregnancy ..
Took him to take the paternity test ... havent heard from him since .. not once has he tried to contact me or even seem to want to meet his daughter. He was part of her life for 5 months but denied the whole thing in front of the court. uggggh! Is it for the better? How will I ever explain it when my daughter grows up? What kind of pain will she go through because of my actions? And now P is being a jerk too. He has been part of her life since she was 7 months and now doesnt even ask about her. She calls him daddy and I guess just like most fathers do will break her heart like mine broke my heart when i was just a child. Again .. how did i get here .. ? How did i ever think I was better than ghetto? 2 children 2 fathers .. and not one around to help out.
Took him to take the paternity test ... havent heard from him since .. not once has he tried to contact me or even seem to want to meet his daughter. He was part of her life for 5 months but denied the whole thing in front of the court. uggggh! Is it for the better? How will I ever explain it when my daughter grows up? What kind of pain will she go through because of my actions? And now P is being a jerk too. He has been part of her life since she was 7 months and now doesnt even ask about her. She calls him daddy and I guess just like most fathers do will break her heart like mine broke my heart when i was just a child. Again .. how did i get here .. ? How did i ever think I was better than ghetto? 2 children 2 fathers .. and not one around to help out.
Baby Boy
9 lbs 2 oz ..and hes gorgous .... the hospital stay was horrid while P bitched and moaned the entire time ... He left the day after my release and I havent heard from him since. At least nothing that would benifit me. He does text me to let me know he is sick .. text me to let me know his dad has been diagnosed with cancer ... expects me to care .. never once asking about me or the kids. How did i find him? Why did i fall in love again? What exactly was it that i loved about him to begin with? How do I move on from here?
So many unanswered question .. so many unmanageable feelings. I am lost! I dont even know what to do except i know i have to "stay strong" for the kids ~ and how do i do that when i feel so empty?
So many unanswered question .. so many unmanageable feelings. I am lost! I dont even know what to do except i know i have to "stay strong" for the kids ~ and how do i do that when i feel so empty?