Trust Issues?

I wonder why ... I was told that I possibly have trust issues .. no possibly here .. i have major trust issues ..
I have been through hell and back and i do not want to go there again. Except I am there once again. Well maybe not as dramatic .. but the one person that i thought i could trust has shown me that I never should have opened up to him. maybe i am over reacting except that I dont think I am. I allowed myself to be put in a situation to be hurt and i shouldnt be suprised that I was hurt.
:( oh well ......................................................maybe i shouldnt have been so trusting
Ive learned a lesson ....
uggh!!!!

and worse I did shit just to be a bitch just because I was mad and immediately regret it
there is no way to take it back ..

it will prolly hurt me more than it would hurt anyone else that is involved.

I am lost ...

I read somewhere ... where there are shadows there must be light. Its the only hope that I have left. I am lost today as I have been for a while. Completely transformed from my former being. Walking away from the recent past... unsure of what the future holds. I feel as if my life is now a shadow of what once was with no clue of who I am or who ill be. When I got divorced it was never this hard. Even when my husband was gone I always had a friend. In the 5 years we were together, there was never this much hate. I was never filled with such anger and rage. I dont know how to handle those feelings. I am broken under the weight. When I got divorced there was no reminder of what was, now I see it in the faces of my children. Although there is nothing but love for them, I hate seeing my past in their eyes. Facing the mistakes that I have made with no way of fixing them.
Everyday is a stuggle. My addictions feed on me. I struggle to keep my mind clear and my thoughts together. But every moment of silence even minute of boredom is filled with images, wants, desires, cravings. Its been a while since Ive last had sex. Has it even been that long? It feels like a month or two when i reality its been maybe a week or so. This is new to me as well. I have never gone this long between fucks. I usually only last a day or so before I start wanting more. I force myself to be good. To be sane about things. Im losing that battle as well.
I think about the captain. About his body. His shape. I think about his lips when he talks. His hands gently moving across my skin.
And I stuggle to get it out of my mind. I stuggle to erase the images. I lose.

Ive lost some friends ...

well more like I lost some "friends". Situations are shameful. I have been technically single for about 3 months ... has it been that long. Several .. well a few guys couple girls have wanted to date. No biggie except that Im not ready. I have been honest from day 1. I dont have the energy for someone new. I dont have the heart to be open for something new. I dont have the mentality. I know Im not ready to open myself up for the pain, arguements, fights, drama, that comes with relationships. Is it wrong to see only the down side of love? I know there are good times, great memories to be made but i just wouldnt be able to handle more heart break. I tell them from day one. They each have said they understand. They are not in a hurry and will give me time to think things through. No rush. Well until now. And not in a rush for love, but at least to start sleeping with each other. There is only one person that I have made that move with and I know I am not ready for anyone else. I have decided that I needed to force myself to do things right this time. Date, dinner, movies, then maybe after a few dates maybe ... repeat maybe start heating things up. Its not working out so well. I have been "dumped" by two people that have said they would wait. Apparently if there isnt sex there isnt any reason to stick around. I have seen the truth about them. About myself.
I want something different, something new, something fresh. Is there anyone out there like that?

I have had my eyes open to the realism of P. Should I be shocked? Hell no. I should know that there was always more to the story. And now im heart broken by the truth of what he is. Who he was. Forgive 7hundred times 7 hundred and seventy seven times. How can I forgive him anymore than I have? I dont have it in me any longer and all i want to do is scream!! or cry.

Its been 3 months ... maybe 3

but its been tough. Saying goodbye is one thing .. meaning it is the hard part. Ive said it and ive stuck to my guns. I know it has too be over with P. However my daughter still cries for him, he is still the father to my son. He will be around for at least the next 18 years, right? How can I start fresh when he will continue to be around and remind me of everything that hurt me so much. I want to move on, I have to move on, but everytime I see his face I am hurt all over again. It is so hard to imagine myself being able to trust again, being able to depend on someone else and give my heart again. Everytime I see P i just want to shut down and hide from even the possibily of being hurt by someone else again. I know i just couldnt handle that type of pain again. Today I found out he is once again answering ads, echanging emails pictures .. phone sex... uggh. How long has it been going on this time. Even before we called it quits. I guess we really should have been over before we ever began. It would have been so simple then.
But now i am left to look at my children and the hurt he has caused them. I am left to wonder how it will hurt them tomorrow or next week, next year, or 5 years down the line. How will all this effect them. Not just me, not just my heart, but the heart and lives of my babies. There is no protecting them from it. And all i want to do is cry at the possibily that my love for them will never be enough to protect them. I am so sad tonight. I am so hurt. :(

Its 11:42

and the cycle begins. I know myself all too well, I know it will be bad. Part of the addiction is the need to move away from emotion. I wouldnt and wont say I fell in love, right now i just dont have the ability to feel love .. but I fell. Fell into something different, something new, something great, I fell away from where i was. He was great, exactly what I needed. God has a way of doing that to you. He takes care of you ... sometimes the outcome isnt what you expect. The outcome would could and should be what i need. I seeked out a friend and a friend is what I got, and yet I cant or wont allow it to happen. At least not yet. I feel betrayed by my own heart. Now I'm lost. I know what I need but I know what would be better for all involved. I had to step back. He is in love with someone else, someone great. Someone who can and will make him happy and I wont allow myself to get in the way of that. I stepped back without explanation. I dont have the words to tell him, I dont have the energy to explain. I know myself too well. I know I have to do this for them to work.
I dont want to,
I have to.
He deserves the best, He deserves better. He deserves the ability, the ability?? the willingness?? the hope?? lets go with hope of a brighter future.
He deserves someone who can and will love him back.
There are so many things I could have said, should have said but the truth is ..
its not what I wanted.
There is no plan for tomorrow, no question of where things will go. Its not what I want, Its not what I am able to give, with me it was simply today .. and simply because it felt good. Tomorrow wouldnt and couldnt have been a quarantee.
I could have shut off my feelings, I would have shut off my thoughts and just gone on with the plan of just being friends. I know myself to well, I wouldnt be able to just be friends. We already have a past. The sex was amazing, and I would always be tempted to seek out more. There is always a chance for something to happen, always a temptation. I would have given in, I am weak that way. And for that I said goodbye.
Now the memories flood my mind, the thought of what was. The days of laughter the nights of long talks and happy times. Being held in his arms, touching his skin, good nights kisses. But the toughest part, the images that drown me. His eyes, his smile, his body. They flash in my memory. They over take my thoughts. The pictures of us, the feeling of him. Its already is taking over.
and so I cycle.

10 minutes and counting

I knew I shouldnt have done it, but I didnt feel I had a choice. P had to come to drop off money, not court ordered but an agreement between us. He wanted to see the kids, he wanted to see me. I shouldnt have agreed, but I did. I get a message .. i was busy so of coarse I didnt answer him the way he wanted. Arguement one... over a stupid text ... fine lets drop it .. 20 minutes later .. I didnt say specifically that I wanted to see him, I didnt. I knew it would be bad. I didnt say it. Arguement 2 ... He showed up put the money in the mail box and was about to walk away .. would have been clear except my daughter saw him and almost busted into tears while he turned his back. Aguement 3. I no longer care what he does to me .. how he treats me what he says Ive turn cold against it, but she is only 3. How could he be so cruel, except she isnt his... i keep reminding myself so i dont have expectations from him. She cried he stayed. No words were spoken, never looked at each other. And then I cried. I cried because I had so much to say and not an ounce of energy to say it, I cried because i wanted the past, but no longer want the present. I cried cause I didnt want to see him but was a coward and couldnt even say it. It would have hurt him. Then the hug. He knows me too well. He knows where Im weak. I felt myself soften, I hated myself for it and so i cried more. I finally found the words but not to voice to tell him to leave. I couldnt look at him as he walked out the door. He didnt say a word. My daughter hugged me and patted my back. She knows me too and I hate crying infront of her.
So now the kids are in bed and I sit wondering once again how the hell did we get here. My close friends are gone, or working, I wouldnt be able to tell them even if they were here. My only option is to leave my thoughts here, out in the world of nothingness!

The last message I got was ........................I love you.... I always will ............................

and again nothingness