Vodka is bad ....

So after my 12 hour shift i get home in hopes for some pillow time. I fall asleep almost instantly but only to be woken up at 9 .. just an hour and a half after falling to sleep. It was P to let me know that he would be in town and that he would love to go to the party with me. I was happy .. but told him to stop bothering me.... i was sleeping .. so after 15 minutes of text messaging he finally said goodnight and he would see me at 5. So off to dream land again .. for about 40 minutes and then i receive a text message from my ex husband to fill me in on life up north. I call him up and again i say .. "stop bothering me... babe .. you know what the best thing is about divorce.. i no longer have to care about your life.. i dont have to hear it .. or pretend to be interested in it... im tired.. let me sleep" he doesnt believe me .. he knows that i still love him even after marraige.. and i would die for my step daughter .. so any news about her effects me. after about 20 minutes of talking we finally hang up and i attempt to sleep. for about an hour .. in which another text message came through my phone waking me to fill me in on my other friends life.. woohoo ..
"im up .. im up" .. i say as i call him rather than try to spell shit out after only maybe 4 hours of sleep total.
Then i jump out of bed .. start to clean up .. shower... fix my hair and await my lovely P.
we are still not a couple but somehow with A out of the way .. i think we are getting closer. How weird.
At 5 i went to pick him up rather than wait for him to get a ride to go home from work drive 20 minutes to his house, pick up his car...and then drive another 30 minutes back to my house.. it takes me 10 minutes to pick him up .. and i hadnt seen him in a while. I was eager.
we get home and dont even mess with the bullshit .. we have just enough time for a quickie before the party .. so we got down to business.. (details on another blog)
When i say enough time for a quickie .. it was 530 and the party started at 7 ..
our quickie lasted till 640 .. i dont think P quite understand the concept .. but there are no complaints on my end .. i was a very satisfied woman.
So off to taco bell for a quick dinner and conversation and then to the party ..
it was great. In the mist of it he asked me out on a date. "What??"
okay i have known P for about 1 1/2 years. we have headed to ihop for midnight meals .. after a night of drinking .. apart .. we have never gone out on an actual date .. nor has it ever been an issue. We have done movie nights... but always at home. He has a dumb job that keeps him on call 24 hrs a day. So instead of making plans that will get broken we just hang at home. i have no problem with it... its rare that i ever get the chance to stay in.. so with him i enjoy the comforts of my living room. i think things work out well for us because we havent entered the dating part of our relationship. But here it is .. he wants to take me to dinner and a concert in two weeks. i didnt know what to say .. he then said he would make a trip to the store to get food to make me breakfast. "What?" your making me breakfast and you want to take me out on a date? wow .. i am impressed.
off to the party .. of coarse within two hours his boss calls there is a problem at the oil well .. they need to fix it before the rain comes in. He is pissed, i am upset .. and basically there is nothing i can do about it. Other than be a girl and bitch about it for 15 minutes. (yea thats about all i can take when i am upset) i bitch and moan, he says he is sorry and he is going to try to make it back during the week to make things up to me. (being a girl, the bitchest shit i could have said just came right out of my mouth) "why, its not like your my boyfriend, you dont have to make anything up to me"
he looks at me shocked. "you know your the only girl i am with, and if i had a different job i wouldnt have a problem making it official. i wont do that to you because i know my job sucks and its not fair to you"
i say, "wow... you know i just took this on a path i dont want to go on.. lets just talk about it later" im not the type to wanna be a bitch .. so i kiss him .. and i feel better ... well for a little bit. we sat and didnt talk for about 10 minutes.. he is pissed.. "hey ... look im a girl .. i say bitchy things.. im sorry. don't be mad at me about it" he says .. "im not mad at you .. i just cant believe that they called knowing that i was going to be with you... i told them i needed the whole day with you .. and they do this shit... plus i have known bigger bitches than you.. you are a delight even when you bitch at me." he winks at me. we kiss some more and i make jokes that finally get him laughing. the 5 drinks i had just downed kinda played a role in my feel good attitude.
so off to work he went .. and back to the party i went. Drank and drank.. till i was feelin really good. Then i ran out of parot bay... so on to the vodka. around 130 i realize that it is late and i have to work in the morning. and i think wow .. im drunk.
Vodka .. is bad .. especially when it follows a bottle of parot bay that you kill all by yourself .. minus two shots.
i woke with a headache and a stomach that was attempting to jump out of my body..
I'm hurtin.

Humm...

Well this past week has been pretty intersting. Wednesday i got food posioning .. well not exactly i guess. I was a guest at a luncheon with the CEO of our company and i wasnt aware of the ingredients used for the food. Sure enough within 15 minutes my mouth became to tingle and it was followed by complete nausea and well .. the scoots. Yea!! what fun. so that pretty much led me home from work to stay in bed half the day into the night with an occassional run to the bathroom. Occassional? More like every 15 minutes. Thursday was game night so already being warn out from wednesday i then stayed up all day till 2 in the morning. Then awake early on friday to make lunch for the my co-workers. After work was a meeting with my brothers fiance to discuss wedding plans. I hate discussing wedding plans when the bride has no clue of what she wants and just figures that she will just throw things together. Okay that doesnt work ... even a "thrown" together wedding needs a theme. So after listening to her and her aunt, mother, sister come up with ideas... i give my thoughts. They loved it. So i had to make list, plans, and tell her what needs to be done.
Then i am nominated to do the bridal cake, grooms cake, and pan de polvo. All on the day after thanksgiving. I can do it.. but i wish i had more notice to think of what to do.
I got home in time to change, hit the gym and make it back home before 2 in the morning. Brunch with the family at 9 so i was left to sleep for 6 1/2 hours. Now im working a 12 hour shift here at work and i dont think i've slept enough to get me through. Im tired. Party tonight (Sunday) for a co-worker and back to work on Monday morning. Fun Fun.
The only thing to look forward to is P coming over in a few hours to spend the day with me. Lucky him, i am planning on being asleep at least until 2. He'll get off easy this time. he will get to relax and still get credit for being with me while he is in town.
Tuesday i meet with the doc for my psych exam and hopefully i will get through with no problems and a new job to follow. I can't wait.

Dirty Laundry ...

So monday i am visiting my brother and his new fiance ... (nephew's momma) when i realize that its getting late. It was already 10 and i still had to go to the gym before i head to bed. I get up say its time to go and my brother responds,, "what gotta do laundry?" at which they both laugh .. I look at them and ask what i am missing because i dont see whats funny and i am actually headed to the gym. He says, "well we just wondered what 'laundry' was code for .. because it seems that you always have to do 'laundry'"
"umm... its code for i have dirty clothes and they need to be clean.... i do laundry once or twice a week???? " i still dont get it.
she says, "yea .. its okay .. we all have 'laundry' dont we?"
okay now im offended. i say to them .. "look if it was anything more than i would say that .. i dont lie or use codes for what i am doing..if i say i am going out, i am going out .. if i say i am meeting friends guess what, i am meeting friends .. if i say i will go to ihop . .. you can drive your ass to ihop and find me there .. if i say i am doing laundry you can be damn sure that i am doing laundry."
they looked at me shocked....
i continued, " i have my own battles that i am fighting right now and the both of you should know and understand it more than anyone, i have my own faults and my sins that i wont try to deny... but i dont need you two to make my everyday chores into some little dirty secret. if its your inside joke .. then keep it to yourselves .. but know that i dont appreciate you two turning anything that i do into more than it is .. thats very judgemental of the two of you to assume that i am doing something hidden." and i left.
so im cranky, my temper is running high .. its been 11 days since i have had any contact ...
I am trying ... i know 11 days seems like nothing .. but i have never gone that long between encounters. I am hurting .. and solo play just isnt working anymore ..
some people go months .. even years.. i will never understand how it works.. i am celebrating that i have gone 11 days ..

and counting ..
woohoo ..

baby steps .. thats all i can do right now.

The opposite of "right" ...

is
a.) left
b.) wrong
C.) correct

this was one of the 900 questions on my psych evaluation yesturday. Carzy huh? Among those questions were also... i would enjoy being a scientist. I would enjoy the work of a librarian. I have read more than 10 books this year. and on and on and on....

3 1/2 hours later .. and i think if i wasnt crazy before i sure am crazy now.
Now i wait to meet with the psychologist and he gets to analyze me to inform the police department if i am mental or not. Woohoo.
Why the exam? I applied for a position with the local police department.
Its such a long proccess .. i applied back in May .. maybe even april. And here it is September.
Oh well .. i think it went well.

Just to Top things off....

For Today:
Leo
July 22 - August 22
Memories from the distant past, perhaps as far back as early childhood, could keep popping into your conscious mind today, dear Leo. You may feel really silly, crying over a fairytale your grandmother read you when you were 5 years old, but as embarrassing as this can be, it's actually a positive form of release. Old pain from the past, even as inane as this, can actually limit you in your current situation. Let it go and embrace the process.

Dream Works IV

So at the end of last year i took a Meaning of Dreams class. I loved it. I have always felt that God speaks to us in different ways and dreams are the most vivid way to receive messages from Him. Its the only time im quiet enough to listen. In the class we talked about how dreaming of a house, especially your house symbolizes your being. Attics represent thoughts or ideas. Front door future, back door past, front yard is public life, ect, ect, ect......
So two nights ago i dreamt of my apartment.
I had gotten out of my car and realized there was a man trying to break into the back door. I stood there watching him for a minute as he broke down the door. He finally realized that i was there and walked away from the apartment. I slowly walked in trying to find out what was going on. When i took my first step in I realized i the layout was different from my place but i still felt that it was my home. I looked into one bedroom and noticed that all the windows were open and the shades were not on. I close the windows and lock them. Then pulled the curtains close to keep people from looking into the house. I slowly go into each room, closing then locking each window that was wide open before. Then I close the curtains shut. As I move around the house i notice that the back door is knocked off the hinges and i cant figure out how to shut the door. As i try to think of a way to close up i notice the guy who broke the door down just standing and staring at me. Staring into the house.
Then i wake up. No solution, and the back door remained open.

So now im left to wonder what it means. If its something or someone from my past does it connect with me seeing my ex the other night? Is he the one trying to bring back things from my past?

Dane Cook ...

I love him. I love his insanity, his act. His voice is soothing. The way he moves .. Its everything ...
His act actually calms me .. Its great... and for that I love him (not in a i wanna have his babies kinda way.. although he is hot!)

Yup I said it ... Its out there.

Facing the Roach....

So Friday night came and my brother asked to take him to wal-mart. Sure, why not. I had nothing else planned at the moment and was in need to buy birthday gifts for about 4 people. Including a watch for my mom. So off we went. To the toy section to buy gifts for my nephew. After about an hour I realized that this quick trip to the store was more than I expected. I decide to head off to look at watches and catch up with brother later. I started seaching the display cases and realizing there was nothing of interst. As I made my way around the case I felt it. A chill down my spine. I looked up and across the counter, I saw him. My roach. He stood there looking at watches, I couldnt breathe. He --- is my ex from 9 years ago.
It started as a great relationship. We met when i was 18, dated, fell in love, and became engaged. He even went to church, made his confirmation and communion in order to have the church wedding of my dreams. I didnt ask him for it, he did it because he loved me. The plan was to wait till I turned 21 to be married, and I would live at home until we joined as man and wife. A few months after I turned 20 we came across a house we could not pass up. Two bedrooms, great neighborhood and only $250 a month. That rate is completely unheard of. After thinking about our options, we decided to go ahead and move in together. It was great. For about 24 hours. After I was moved in, he quit his job. I was now responsible for paying the rent, bills, and getting food on the table. He became jealous of everything I did. He hated the fact that I worked with men, calling me at least 20 times a day. If he did have a job he would make sure he was able to take his breaks around my work schedule in order to take me to work leaving me without my own car. (jobs like that dont last long) At night he would drink till he passed out leaving me with out a ride home at 2 and 3 in the morning. Then he started beating me. For no reason at all. Or was it for every reason he could think of. Spending too much time with my family, going to do laundry without him to watch over me. Talking to guys, laughing while i was on the phone with him. It was a nightmare. Once i got beat because i thought that i was pregnant. Thank God i wasnt. After the beatings came the rape. I worked an 18 hour day and was tired, he was drunk. he pulled a box cutter and pushed it into my throat. I dont know what kept me there, pride was part of it. I didnt want to admit to myself that i had made such a mistake. I thought it would get better. It never did. I finally found the courage to leave 2 months before my 21st birthday. It was made even harder when he called the cops on me to keep me from moving out. I wasnt allowed in the house to remove my things. Then came the stalking. He waiting outside my work. He waited outside my house. He slashed my tires, my brothers tires, and my mothers tires. He kicked my pregnant dog until it was too late to save her. She died the next day. I was in a car accident and couldnt drive. I had a friend take me to work. Oddly enough the next morning i woke up to all the windows in my rental car broken and so were the windows of his car.
When i was finally out, i would pray that he find happiness, something to keep him from thinking of me. I prayed that i would never see his face again. The prayer was answered for 9 years. But now ... here he was. only 5 feet from me. I couldn't breathe. I stepped away from the case in hopes that he wouldnt see me. He didnt. But at that moment i fought off an axiety attact. I became paranoid. Looking over my back at every turn. My brother said my skin was pale, and looked sick. I couldnt talk to explain. It was my worst moment,
Facing my roaches.