who would have thought...

that a reality check would sound like a telephone ring in the middle of the afternoon. But that single beep is what has awaken me. So now I sit realizing how every choice that I have made to protect my children will be the exact choice that will hurt them. Its amazing how I have chosen to keep secrets from those around me and those secrets have insured that I have noone to talk to. The phone rang, it was A. wanting and ready to talk about my daughter, our daughter. He is ready to see her meet her take her on the weekends. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! a single beep and my world is crashing down. A single beep and I have lost control of my sanity. A single beep. I knew the day was coming, I knew I would have to face him, her, them. He wants his other family. OTHER FAMILY??? He wants to be part of her growing up and I knew I would never keep him from it, but how to go back. Change the choices I have made? I cant and it will hurt her. P is the one she knows and calls daddy. P although unstable is the one she cries for hurts for misses every night. P is the one that she knows and runs to when he is around. P. How do i go back? Change the choices that Ive made? He wanted to see me tonight ... history repeats itself, I wanted to say yes, be like old times drink laugh and be friends ... every part of me wanted that moment we had years ago, the moment when we were happy good and friends. Every ounce of my soul forced me to say no. The past was floodng my mind and my heart .. the present was drowning my brain. I wanted to scream yes ... I finally whispered no ..
Lets wait. Too much time has past for us to be ok. Were not ok. Im not ok. Tomorrow is the talk. What is there to say, What is allowed to be said. What happens to daddy??? the word and its definition changes in 24 hours, at least for her. My beautiful princess, how could i have ever been the cause of her tears. How can I go back.
All this only weeks after being told I wasnt a good mother. I dont spend enough time with them, I text too much, I work too much and I dont get to spend the time that they need me to spend with them. I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!! I work to provide, I dont have help. Another choice that I have made. History is cruel. The days of endless parties and drunken nights have led me here... alone. The choice that I have made. Not a good mother the thought lingers everyday every moment. Not a good mother.!!!!
I am broken at the thought. I work ... I provide... and the moment I dont work I am with my kids. But its true Im always tired exhausted and my fault .. I text. Its all I have to the outside adult world. The choice that I have made not to go out not to bring men to my house not to expose my children to that .. the choice that i have made and i am not a good mother for it! I am tired ... I am broken ...........and now I am to face A. His girlfriend and their son ... face them as I stand alone. The choice that I have made!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream
P is hurt A is hurt my princess will be hurt ..
does anyone care about me? Does it matter?
The truth .............. is there a truth .... or just a truth according to me ..
I suppose there is no truth when everything is so misunderstood, so entangled, so blurred????? what is the word for this caos.
it isnt truth ...
Tomorrow I am forced to let go of the cliffs edge ... await the landing .. dust my self off and hope there is another way back up to the top.
Hope the damage is repairable.

COURAGE: THE ART OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOUR SCARED TO DEATH.
GOD HELP ME TO BE COURAGOUS