facing disgrace

In order to change, someone must proclaim a change in you. In order to be different someone else must see a difference in you. Without the views of others, you are nothing .. so here i am trying to change the views of others in order to be a better person.

Name:
Location: Texas, United States

Im an easy going open minded person just trying to enjoy life reguardless of how many bumps my be on the road. oh and i also have a sexual addiction.

1.18.2011

The day begins..

at 3 am it should be time for sleep, but instead I toss and turn searching for rest. Searching for peace. My mind begins the battle. I fight the images of his body, his touch. I fight the need to release. Masterbation no longer helps. I need to feel the warmth of him near me. His lips on me. I toss and I turn. I struggle all night for much needed sleep but there is no comfort during a war. I go about the day tending to the kids as my mind flashes images of his sculpted abs, his firm arms, I fight the thoughts that have taken over my mind. Its a losing battle. At work I text, I email, I read, I train, I talk and laugh. Doing 20 things at once is still not keeping me from fantasizing about his mouth as he kisses me. I can almost feel his hands rub me. I pace the floor. I cannot escape the need. I think about walking through his door and dropping to my knees before him so i can take his hard cock into my mouth. I remember how amazing it feels between my lips, how i lick the shaft and suck him off. I remember the taste and my skin tingles as I sit at my desk. Officers are giving me their commands I my only thought is to lay out before him so he can kiss and lick me. Searching out my clit licking my cunt. Oh how many times has he pleasured me with that tongue. I want to cum in his mouth, squirting as I explode. Traffic stops disturbances assults are nothing to me I only care about feeling his dick slide into my pussy. Filling me and fucking me. I need to cum its all I can think about now. I struggled through 12 hours and again I am here searching for much needed sleep. All i can think about is him. How easily it would be to cum with him, for him, on him.

1.16.2011

and so the game begins

Another player on the field? Its been months since the tease began but today I see he is taking it up a notch. Ive stayed my distance but I can see myself falling. I can see myself play the game, luring him in even though I would rather not hurt him. I remind myself of the captains term: Succubus ... not the extreme but I see the point. I lean back in my chair as I watch him talk. He leans in so I can smell his new cologne. I inhale and smile. The scent could take me away. I ask what kind. My breath upon his neck makes him shiver. He stumbles on his words. This is too easy. I inhale again, this time he places his hand on my chair to balance himself. I look into his eyes, he is lost in mine. I remind myself of why I shouldn't. How many people would be hurt. Do I care? He steps back as I stand to leave, He grabs my waist.
Succubus! I laugh to myself as I walk away. Tomorrow I may not be so strong.

1.12.2011

Its 3 oclock in the morning ...

not a soul in sight ... oh how true those words are. I have alway found this time of night to be the loneliest of all times to get off of work. Noone on the road, noone greeting you at the door. Every one is asleep and its feeling like a ghost town. Tonight i walked through my front door and received a text, goodnight my sweets... dream of me ...
Yes from the professor. Was it coincedence that he woke up or did he set an alarm and plan it. Either way it brought a smile to my face. It was a beautiful thing after a nasty night.
P has a way of hurting me even when i have thought he no longer had the power to.
I was hurt for hours, unanable to accept that he would be so cruel as to compare me to my rapist. Have I spoken of this monster before? My roach? Raped a knife point, beaten several times over several months. I dont think of it often, I have moved on from the thoughts of him. Apparently I cant completely move away from the pain. Just the mention of him brings a shiver down my spine, a tear to my eye. And P had the nerve to compare me to him? I was left in shock! This was the cruelest thing that has happen to date.
The captain eased my mind, the professor eased my heart. Time to say goodnight and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

1.10.2011

A new year A new You

Time for think of how I would like the year to be.

There are so many thoughts that fill my mind through out the day but for some odd reason every time i sit down to type the randomness keeps me from being able to put my thoughts into words. There has been so many things going on lately, I keep hoping my life will some how straighten itself out.
The Professor has returned I assumed things would pick up where they left off, which is where exactly? In theory we are perfect for each other, In reality we have both been so hurt we will never proceed to the next step. Will it even matter? It would be interesting to find out if 5 months of talking texting and pretending would be as perfect in the real world. Perfection on paper is never as good as you think. So I simply answer the text as I receive them as the pretend relationship grows. Its kinda sad and funny all at the same time.
P has returned with loads and loads of promises, it almost makes me sick just listening to them. I hear him out mostly because I cant even form the words of all the things I would love to say. My daughter loves that he spent some time with her, but again he is gone as quickly as he came. Its amazing how a 10 month old can drive a man away simply from crying at 2 am. I was sick .. too sick to care for the kids I had no choice but to call for help. P came ... after all those promises he decided he was father material after all. Hummm ... yea I quess I didnt have to say much after all. He is gone again, promises and all.
The ex leaves in a few weeks, I cant even decide what to say. Ill miss him. He has gone before but I know this time its for good. How can I say good bye to someone so dear to me knowing it will be forever? I cant and so I havent said anything. Ill have a goodbye party for him ive decided but still dont think Ill be able to say much.
And so I sit thinking of all the things going on around me and my inability to say anything to anyone about any of it ... will anyone even notice the silence?

1.06.2011

Time to say goodbye

I received a text today, Im moving back home.
Wait what?? This is home?
Nope back to be with family. Im losing my best friend. My ex husband decided to move back to indiana. How can I say goodbye. He is my comfort my joy my best friend. :(