what the hell?

wow so its been 3 years since my last post? where the hell have i been? Its been rocky its been crazy its been amazing. Catch up part i suppose comes later.... today i sit and stare wondering where my life has gone, what have i done and what can i possibly do now? And i sit wondering all this as my 22 month old sleeps in the other room. Yes me a mother. again... what the hell?
They say life is a roller coaster ... yea i can see how things can make you nausiated and at times leaves you with the feeling that you about to dive head first into death..... lol
i love my daughter dont take me wrong .. but this is not the life i thought i would be living 3 years ago... have you read my previous post? i was never even suppose to be able to have children .. at least that was what all the doctors told me .. and i surely never lived my life as if i would ever become a mother ... of 2!!
Did i mention im pregnant? 4 1/2 months ... and i was on the pill ..
Now to wonder .. where is the father??? ha! father? intersting concept .. to bad not my reality right now. I suppose i was blinded and thought that things with P would actually work. They worked so well before .. well before all the expectations and a positive pregnancy test.
Then off to the races .. he was out the door before the plus sign appeared on the stick ..
I should have guessed .... and 15 months later he got me to believe he wanted to be part of a family ... It was only year later he had his running shoes on again .. yes after another pregnancy test came back positive ..
and again i am left to wonder what the hell??????