Happy Fathers Day!!!
I awoke this morning feeling good. Its fathers day and a week since i last spoke to mine. I hit the shower and dressed. I left early to pick up tacos and see my dad. I figured an hour before mass. it will give us a chance to talk. Tell him how much i love him, miss him, wish we could talk. Our relationship has always been strained but we struggle through it.
Dad, i miss you. I know we can talk at any moment but we never do. Dad, i need you. To know that we arent strangers in the same family. How ever it was that we got here, we dont need to stay at this place, frozen in time. Dad, i need to know that you love me for me. Understand that it actually hurts when i call or stop by to visit you only speak of my half sister. You never ask about me, my job, my life, always about her. How is she, where is she, what does she have to say and when i say i havent spoken to her.. you rush me off as if i was a messenger. It hurts to know that when you do ask about me it always about me having a boyfriend or when am i going to get married. Do i not exist without a boyfriend. Am i not worthy if a guy isnt by my side. I am single and intend to stay that way till i find the right person. Asking what is wrong with me doesnt help things. Do you understnad ... you left my mom before i was born ... was it your intention to also leave me? Its been 28 years dad... can we move on from here. I need a relationship with you. To understand myself more... to complete myself. I have made a life for myself and a good life at that... but i dont want the little time we have left together to be spent so far apart.... can we fix it. It cant be too late....
So many things to say ..... so many thoughts rushing through my head. ....
Not a word was spoken............he wasnt home.
When i finally did find him, he asked "how was Jo". (my half sister) "i dont know dad.. havent spoken to her", i replied.... "oh okay well talk to you later". He hung up ... "happy fathers day"
The cycle continues.
I have felt empty all day. Not too much to do when you cant do anything.
Dad, i miss you. I know we can talk at any moment but we never do. Dad, i need you. To know that we arent strangers in the same family. How ever it was that we got here, we dont need to stay at this place, frozen in time. Dad, i need to know that you love me for me. Understand that it actually hurts when i call or stop by to visit you only speak of my half sister. You never ask about me, my job, my life, always about her. How is she, where is she, what does she have to say and when i say i havent spoken to her.. you rush me off as if i was a messenger. It hurts to know that when you do ask about me it always about me having a boyfriend or when am i going to get married. Do i not exist without a boyfriend. Am i not worthy if a guy isnt by my side. I am single and intend to stay that way till i find the right person. Asking what is wrong with me doesnt help things. Do you understnad ... you left my mom before i was born ... was it your intention to also leave me? Its been 28 years dad... can we move on from here. I need a relationship with you. To understand myself more... to complete myself. I have made a life for myself and a good life at that... but i dont want the little time we have left together to be spent so far apart.... can we fix it. It cant be too late....
So many things to say ..... so many thoughts rushing through my head. ....
Not a word was spoken............he wasnt home.
When i finally did find him, he asked "how was Jo". (my half sister) "i dont know dad.. havent spoken to her", i replied.... "oh okay well talk to you later". He hung up ... "happy fathers day"
The cycle continues.
I have felt empty all day. Not too much to do when you cant do anything.
posted by mekayla | 7:22 PM
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