facing disgrace

who would have thought...

2011-09-03T00:53:00.004-05:00

that a reality check would sound like a telephone ring in the middle of the afternoon. But that single beep is what has awaken me. So now I sit realizing how every choice that I have made to protect my children will be the exact choice that will hurt them. Its amazing how I have chosen to keep secrets from those around me and those secrets have insured that I have noone to talk to. The phone rang, it was A. wanting and ready to talk about my daughter, our daughter. He is ready to see her meet her take her on the weekends. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! a single beep and my world is crashing down. A single beep and I have lost control of my sanity. A single beep. I knew the day was coming, I knew I would have to face him, her, them. He wants his other family. OTHER FAMILY??? He wants to be part of her growing up and I knew I would never keep him from it, but how to go back. Change the choices I have made? I cant and it will hurt her. P is the one she knows and calls daddy. P although unstable is the one she cries for hurts for misses every night. P is the one that she knows and runs to when he is around. P. How do i go back? Change the choices that Ive made? He wanted to see me tonight ... history repeats itself, I wanted to say yes, be like old times drink laugh and be friends ... every part of me wanted that moment we had years ago, the moment when we were happy good and friends. Every ounce of my soul forced me to say no. The past was floodng my mind and my heart .. the present was drowning my brain. I wanted to scream yes ... I finally whispered no ..
Lets wait. Too much time has past for us to be ok. Were not ok. Im not ok. Tomorrow is the talk. What is there to say, What is allowed to be said. What happens to daddy??? the word and its definition changes in 24 hours, at least for her. My beautiful princess, how could i have ever been the cause of her tears. How can I go back.
All this only weeks after being told I wasnt a good mother. I dont spend enough time with them, I text too much, I work too much and I dont get to spend the time that they need me to spend with them. I want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!! I work to provide, I dont have help. Another choice that I have made. History is cruel. The days of endless parties and drunken nights have led me here... alone. The choice that I have made. Not a good mother the thought lingers everyday every moment. Not a good mother.!!!!
I am broken at the thought. I work ... I provide... and the moment I dont work I am with my kids. But its true Im always tired exhausted and my fault .. I text. Its all I have to the outside adult world. The choice that I have made not to go out not to bring men to my house not to expose my children to that .. the choice that i have made and i am not a good mother for it! I am tired ... I am broken ...........and now I am to face A. His girlfriend and their son ... face them as I stand alone. The choice that I have made!!!!!!!!!!! i just want to scream
P is hurt A is hurt my princess will be hurt ..
does anyone care about me? Does it matter?
The truth .............. is there a truth .... or just a truth according to me ..
I suppose there is no truth when everything is so misunderstood, so entangled, so blurred????? what is the word for this caos.
it isnt truth ...
Tomorrow I am forced to let go of the cliffs edge ... await the landing .. dust my self off and hope there is another way back up to the top.
Hope the damage is repairable.

COURAGE: THE ART OF BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOUR SCARED TO DEATH.
GOD HELP ME TO BE COURAGOUS

The day begins..

2011-01-18T04:01:00.003-06:00

at 3 am it should be time for sleep, but instead I toss and turn searching for rest. Searching for peace. My mind begins the battle. I fight the images of his body, his touch. I fight the need to release. Masterbation no longer helps. I need to feel the warmth of him near me. His lips on me. I toss and I turn. I struggle all night for much needed sleep but there is no comfort during a war. I go about the day tending to the kids as my mind flashes images of his sculpted abs, his firm arms, I fight the thoughts that have taken over my mind. Its a losing battle. At work I text, I email, I read, I train, I talk and laugh. Doing 20 things at once is still not keeping me from fantasizing about his mouth as he kisses me. I can almost feel his hands rub me. I pace the floor. I cannot escape the need. I think about walking through his door and dropping to my knees before him so i can take his hard cock into my mouth. I remember how amazing it feels between my lips, how i lick the shaft and suck him off. I remember the taste and my skin tingles as I sit at my desk. Officers are giving me their commands I my only thought is to lay out before him so he can kiss and lick me. Searching out my clit licking my cunt. Oh how many times has he pleasured me with that tongue. I want to cum in his mouth, squirting as I explode. Traffic stops disturbances assults are nothing to me I only care about feeling his dick slide into my pussy. Filling me and fucking me. I need to cum its all I can think about now. I struggled through 12 hours and again I am here searching for much needed sleep. All i can think about is him. How easily it would be to cum with him, for him, on him.

and so the game begins

2011-01-16T03:19:00.002-06:00

Another player on the field? Its been months since the tease began but today I see he is taking it up a notch. Ive stayed my distance but I can see myself falling. I can see myself play the game, luring him in even though I would rather not hurt him. I remind myself of the captains term: Succubus ... not the extreme but I see the point. I lean back in my chair as I watch him talk. He leans in so I can smell his new cologne. I inhale and smile. The scent could take me away. I ask what kind. My breath upon his neck makes him shiver. He stumbles on his words. This is too easy. I inhale again, this time he places his hand on my chair to balance himself. I look into his eyes, he is lost in mine. I remind myself of why I shouldn't. How many people would be hurt. Do I care? He steps back as I stand to leave, He grabs my waist.
Succubus! I laugh to myself as I walk away. Tomorrow I may not be so strong.

Its 3 oclock in the morning ...

2011-01-12T03:43:00.002-06:00

not a soul in sight ... oh how true those words are. I have alway found this time of night to be the loneliest of all times to get off of work. Noone on the road, noone greeting you at the door. Every one is asleep and its feeling like a ghost town. Tonight i walked through my front door and received a text, goodnight my sweets... dream of me ...
Yes from the professor. Was it coincedence that he woke up or did he set an alarm and plan it. Either way it brought a smile to my face. It was a beautiful thing after a nasty night.
P has a way of hurting me even when i have thought he no longer had the power to.
I was hurt for hours, unanable to accept that he would be so cruel as to compare me to my rapist. Have I spoken of this monster before? My roach? Raped a knife point, beaten several times over several months. I dont think of it often, I have moved on from the thoughts of him. Apparently I cant completely move away from the pain. Just the mention of him brings a shiver down my spine, a tear to my eye. And P had the nerve to compare me to him? I was left in shock! This was the cruelest thing that has happen to date.
The captain eased my mind, the professor eased my heart. Time to say goodnight and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

A new year A new You

2011-01-10T00:08:00.002-06:00

Time for think of how I would like the year to be.

There are so many thoughts that fill my mind through out the day but for some odd reason every time i sit down to type the randomness keeps me from being able to put my thoughts into words. There has been so many things going on lately, I keep hoping my life will some how straighten itself out.
The Professor has returned I assumed things would pick up where they left off, which is where exactly? In theory we are perfect for each other, In reality we have both been so hurt we will never proceed to the next step. Will it even matter? It would be interesting to find out if 5 months of talking texting and pretending would be as perfect in the real world. Perfection on paper is never as good as you think. So I simply answer the text as I receive them as the pretend relationship grows. Its kinda sad and funny all at the same time.
P has returned with loads and loads of promises, it almost makes me sick just listening to them. I hear him out mostly because I cant even form the words of all the things I would love to say. My daughter loves that he spent some time with her, but again he is gone as quickly as he came. Its amazing how a 10 month old can drive a man away simply from crying at 2 am. I was sick .. too sick to care for the kids I had no choice but to call for help. P came ... after all those promises he decided he was father material after all. Hummm ... yea I quess I didnt have to say much after all. He is gone again, promises and all.
The ex leaves in a few weeks, I cant even decide what to say. Ill miss him. He has gone before but I know this time its for good. How can I say good bye to someone so dear to me knowing it will be forever? I cant and so I havent said anything. Ill have a goodbye party for him ive decided but still dont think Ill be able to say much.
And so I sit thinking of all the things going on around me and my inability to say anything to anyone about any of it ... will anyone even notice the silence?

Time to say goodbye

2011-01-06T23:55:00.002-06:00

I received a text today, Im moving back home.
Wait what?? This is home?
Nope back to be with family. Im losing my best friend. My ex husband decided to move back to indiana. How can I say goodbye. He is my comfort my joy my best friend. :(

Trust Issues?

2010-12-26T00:16:00.002-06:00

I wonder why ... I was told that I possibly have trust issues .. no possibly here .. i have major trust issues ..
I have been through hell and back and i do not want to go there again. Except I am there once again. Well maybe not as dramatic .. but the one person that i thought i could trust has shown me that I never should have opened up to him. maybe i am over reacting except that I dont think I am. I allowed myself to be put in a situation to be hurt and i shouldnt be suprised that I was hurt.
:( oh well ......................................................maybe i shouldnt have been so trusting
Ive learned a lesson ....
uggh!!!!

and worse I did shit just to be a bitch just because I was mad and immediately regret it
there is no way to take it back ..

it will prolly hurt me more than it would hurt anyone else that is involved.

I am lost ...

2010-12-17T21:12:00.002-06:00

I read somewhere ... where there are shadows there must be light. Its the only hope that I have left. I am lost today as I have been for a while. Completely transformed from my former being. Walking away from the recent past... unsure of what the future holds. I feel as if my life is now a shadow of what once was with no clue of who I am or who ill be. When I got divorced it was never this hard. Even when my husband was gone I always had a friend. In the 5 years we were together, there was never this much hate. I was never filled with such anger and rage. I dont know how to handle those feelings. I am broken under the weight. When I got divorced there was no reminder of what was, now I see it in the faces of my children. Although there is nothing but love for them, I hate seeing my past in their eyes. Facing the mistakes that I have made with no way of fixing them.
Everyday is a stuggle. My addictions feed on me. I struggle to keep my mind clear and my thoughts together. But every moment of silence even minute of boredom is filled with images, wants, desires, cravings. Its been a while since Ive last had sex. Has it even been that long? It feels like a month or two when i reality its been maybe a week or so. This is new to me as well. I have never gone this long between fucks. I usually only last a day or so before I start wanting more. I force myself to be good. To be sane about things. Im losing that battle as well.
I think about the captain. About his body. His shape. I think about his lips when he talks. His hands gently moving across my skin.
And I stuggle to get it out of my mind. I stuggle to erase the images. I lose.

Ive lost some friends ...

2010-12-16T23:21:00.002-06:00

well more like I lost some "friends". Situations are shameful. I have been technically single for about 3 months ... has it been that long. Several .. well a few guys couple girls have wanted to date. No biggie except that Im not ready. I have been honest from day 1. I dont have the energy for someone new. I dont have the heart to be open for something new. I dont have the mentality. I know Im not ready to open myself up for the pain, arguements, fights, drama, that comes with relationships. Is it wrong to see only the down side of love? I know there are good times, great memories to be made but i just wouldnt be able to handle more heart break. I tell them from day one. They each have said they understand. They are not in a hurry and will give me time to think things through. No rush. Well until now. And not in a rush for love, but at least to start sleeping with each other. There is only one person that I have made that move with and I know I am not ready for anyone else. I have decided that I needed to force myself to do things right this time. Date, dinner, movies, then maybe after a few dates maybe ... repeat maybe start heating things up. Its not working out so well. I have been "dumped" by two people that have said they would wait. Apparently if there isnt sex there isnt any reason to stick around. I have seen the truth about them. About myself.
I want something different, something new, something fresh. Is there anyone out there like that?

I have had my eyes open to the realism of P. Should I be shocked? Hell no. I should know that there was always more to the story. And now im heart broken by the truth of what he is. Who he was. Forgive 7hundred times 7 hundred and seventy seven times. How can I forgive him anymore than I have? I dont have it in me any longer and all i want to do is scream!! or cry.

Its been 3 months ... maybe 3

2010-12-15T02:39:00.002-06:00

but its been tough. Saying goodbye is one thing .. meaning it is the hard part. Ive said it and ive stuck to my guns. I know it has too be over with P. However my daughter still cries for him, he is still the father to my son. He will be around for at least the next 18 years, right? How can I start fresh when he will continue to be around and remind me of everything that hurt me so much. I want to move on, I have to move on, but everytime I see his face I am hurt all over again. It is so hard to imagine myself being able to trust again, being able to depend on someone else and give my heart again. Everytime I see P i just want to shut down and hide from even the possibily of being hurt by someone else again. I know i just couldnt handle that type of pain again. Today I found out he is once again answering ads, echanging emails pictures .. phone sex... uggh. How long has it been going on this time. Even before we called it quits. I guess we really should have been over before we ever began. It would have been so simple then.
But now i am left to look at my children and the hurt he has caused them. I am left to wonder how it will hurt them tomorrow or next week, next year, or 5 years down the line. How will all this effect them. Not just me, not just my heart, but the heart and lives of my babies. There is no protecting them from it. And all i want to do is cry at the possibily that my love for them will never be enough to protect them. I am so sad tonight. I am so hurt. :(

Its 11:42

2010-12-04T11:42:00.002-06:00

and the cycle begins. I know myself all too well, I know it will be bad. Part of the addiction is the need to move away from emotion. I wouldnt and wont say I fell in love, right now i just dont have the ability to feel love .. but I fell. Fell into something different, something new, something great, I fell away from where i was. He was great, exactly what I needed. God has a way of doing that to you. He takes care of you ... sometimes the outcome isnt what you expect. The outcome would could and should be what i need. I seeked out a friend and a friend is what I got, and yet I cant or wont allow it to happen. At least not yet. I feel betrayed by my own heart. Now I'm lost. I know what I need but I know what would be better for all involved. I had to step back. He is in love with someone else, someone great. Someone who can and will make him happy and I wont allow myself to get in the way of that. I stepped back without explanation. I dont have the words to tell him, I dont have the energy to explain. I know myself too well. I know I have to do this for them to work.
I dont want to,
I have to.
He deserves the best, He deserves better. He deserves the ability, the ability?? the willingness?? the hope?? lets go with hope of a brighter future.
He deserves someone who can and will love him back.
There are so many things I could have said, should have said but the truth is ..
its not what I wanted.
There is no plan for tomorrow, no question of where things will go. Its not what I want, Its not what I am able to give, with me it was simply today .. and simply because it felt good. Tomorrow wouldnt and couldnt have been a quarantee.
I could have shut off my feelings, I would have shut off my thoughts and just gone on with the plan of just being friends. I know myself to well, I wouldnt be able to just be friends. We already have a past. The sex was amazing, and I would always be tempted to seek out more. There is always a chance for something to happen, always a temptation. I would have given in, I am weak that way. And for that I said goodbye.
Now the memories flood my mind, the thought of what was. The days of laughter the nights of long talks and happy times. Being held in his arms, touching his skin, good nights kisses. But the toughest part, the images that drown me. His eyes, his smile, his body. They flash in my memory. They over take my thoughts. The pictures of us, the feeling of him. Its already is taking over.
and so I cycle.

10 minutes and counting

2010-12-03T22:17:00.002-06:00

I knew I shouldnt have done it, but I didnt feel I had a choice. P had to come to drop off money, not court ordered but an agreement between us. He wanted to see the kids, he wanted to see me. I shouldnt have agreed, but I did. I get a message .. i was busy so of coarse I didnt answer him the way he wanted. Arguement one... over a stupid text ... fine lets drop it .. 20 minutes later .. I didnt say specifically that I wanted to see him, I didnt. I knew it would be bad. I didnt say it. Arguement 2 ... He showed up put the money in the mail box and was about to walk away .. would have been clear except my daughter saw him and almost busted into tears while he turned his back. Aguement 3. I no longer care what he does to me .. how he treats me what he says Ive turn cold against it, but she is only 3. How could he be so cruel, except she isnt his... i keep reminding myself so i dont have expectations from him. She cried he stayed. No words were spoken, never looked at each other. And then I cried. I cried because I had so much to say and not an ounce of energy to say it, I cried because i wanted the past, but no longer want the present. I cried cause I didnt want to see him but was a coward and couldnt even say it. It would have hurt him. Then the hug. He knows me too well. He knows where Im weak. I felt myself soften, I hated myself for it and so i cried more. I finally found the words but not to voice to tell him to leave. I couldnt look at him as he walked out the door. He didnt say a word. My daughter hugged me and patted my back. She knows me too and I hate crying infront of her.
So now the kids are in bed and I sit wondering once again how the hell did we get here. My close friends are gone, or working, I wouldnt be able to tell them even if they were here. My only option is to leave my thoughts here, out in the world of nothingness!

The last message I got was ........................I love you.... I always will ............................

and again nothingness

Wonderin...

2010-11-30T13:22:00.003-06:00

about all the couldas shoulds wouldas .. are we missing out on what is? When facing decisions that effect more than your life do we sacrafice too much to makes others happy. There is so much randomness in the world how do i focus on what i really want? What i really should be doing?
uggggh cant focus cant focus cant focus!!!!

uggh!

2010-11-28T01:20:00.002-06:00

just spent the last 2 hours reading my past post ... what a life .. what a past ..
has it change can it change .. i still struggle everyday .. i still battle the thoughts the wants the craving ..

7 days

2010-04-05T00:45:00.002-05:00

and no contact .. i know its for the best .. and it was my choice to finally end it. But it still hurts and I still think of him all the time. I know its so stupid to hear women say, "but i love him". I dont even know what i love about him any more. I think it is more that I loved his promises of what the future would bring. I loved the promise that things would get better. I loved the possibility of greater things. But tomorrow never came and the changes would never be. The love faded. at least I know that i no longer liked him. I no longer wanted the man he was. Was it someone that he became or was he always like this. In the beginning it was too easy to be blinded by the truth. 4 years of just enjoying the pleasure of non commitment. No pressure. Too easy, yes I made it way to easy to be fooled. Now with 2 kids, I see that I did it all wrong.

great day

2010-03-15T23:00:00.001-05:00

and i needed it. Went to visit my ex-husband ... my best friend. Like always he makes me laugh and smile. If for only a moment I forget my problems.

and broken again

2010-03-14T23:32:00.003-05:00

yup... had a horrible day today. had a huge fight with my mom over her hitting my daughter. Ok my daughter is 2 .. doesnt listen at all .. misbehaves and throws tantrums .. but does every 2 year old do that? we were at church i had her and the baby .. my mom was trying to calm her down and as i am getting my son i heard a smack .. right across my daughters thigh .. i didnt even know how to react .. everyone in the church turned and stared ... i couldnt believe it. I immediately had tears in my eyes. How dare she hit my daughter. My mother so quickly forgets that as her daughter i know how she can be. She use to hit us when we were little ... not spank but hit .... beat is more like it. Me and my sister got the worst of it. She beat us but doesnt remember. She doesnt remember me being molested either. uggh i was so mad .. i told her how mad i was and if she couldnt respect how i want to raise my child i would no longer leave my daughter with her. I am now left to find child care for my children elsewhere .. but who? yea i had to call P. ugggh!! i hated to do it .. i had tears in my eyes the whole time i talked to him. Asking if he would start keeping the kids .. i had no other choice .. noone else ... i am left to give up on so much of what i believe. I have to forget the hurt he has caused me and forget all of my pain and just put my children first. uugh!! broken again.... he said he would help ..with the understanding that he takes care of them friday saturday and sunday and buys formula diapers wipes when he can .. and in exchange i dont ask for child support .. is it fair? who knows .. will it work? i can only hope and pray that my children turn out ok. and that they will be safe in his care. i dont know what else to do .. i am broken .. and heart broken over it all.

uuugh!!!

2010-03-13T21:37:00.002-06:00

I am usually fine. I have a pretty positive attitude. I try to see the brighter side of things. I am seen my future. I have accepted my present. I know what I have to do in order to be the best mother I can be. Every time i see his name or hear his voice I am instantly pissed! I cant help it i am so angry with him. I am so filled with hate! And its pissing me off that he can fill me with that much anger. I hate that he can effect me so much within seconds. I hate it! I know I am being a bitch to him but I just cant help it. Then I am instantly sad that I behave so badly. He may deserve it, but I dont want to be that type of person. ugggh!! P pisses me off!!! and I hate that I let him do it

Memories...

2010-03-11T20:35:00.003-06:00

"I walked into the bar.. ordered my drink .. looked around. He was sitting a few tables down with a friend of his. I caught his eye, and could see him stumble on his words. He smiled. I smiled. I sat down with my friend at the end of the bar. I was waiting for my date to arrive, but i couldnt stop looking at him. His smile, his body, the thoughts began to run through my mind. My date still hasnt arrived and I had to approach him. 'Now how is a girl suppose to offer to buy you a drink when you havent finished the one you have?' His friend grabbed his beer and chugged it. It was good for a laugh. His name was mike. He was adorable. We talked a few minutes and i returned to K still sitting at the bar. My date running late. Mike now comes over to chat a few minutes. Me and K have decided to go to another place to play pool. I tell him where to find me if he is interested. My date was suppose to meet us at our new destination. We start a game of pool and Mike walks through the door. I buy him his beer. We get close and immediately begin to kiss. K informs me that my date has arrived. Oh well. Thats the down fall of making me wait. After a few games we head to our apartment to play cards. Within a few minutes me and mike have made our way to my room. K and my date remain in the kitchen playing poker or black jack. We began to kiss, and I got down on my knees in front of him. I unzip his pants and take his cock into my mouth. It was beautiful. It was so good. His cock was nice and hard and i loved the way it felt in my mouth. After a few minutes he reminds me we have to get back to K and the date. Oopps. We return and K laughs. Yes we are umm heading to bed. My date is confused and quite pissed but what was I to do? Mike and I say our goodbyes and head to the room with the cards. We play high low. He lost the first round, off with the shirt. I lost the second round, off with my shirt. A few rounds later we were both naked on the bed, he laid me on the bed and began kissing me. Moving down to kiss my neck, chest, breast, stomach, and down to my pussy. He begins licking me, sucking on my clit. It was amazing. As I approached climax he bit down on my clit. The pain was unbelievable. It hurt but made me cum even more. It was intense. I begged for more. He was ready to fuck my cunt. He slid his cock into me, slowly pumping away. As he fucked me, he began bitting me. All over, my neck, my tits, my stomach. He bit hard, but it felt amazing. I could feel another orgasm build up, I was ready to explode. He bit down on my tits. I came and came again. He quickened his pace and I could feel his cock stretch my pussy. He bit me, sucked on my flesh, and fucked me hard. He filled me with his cum."
These memories fill my head. I think about it all day long. I cannot fight it. I cannot forget it. Mike was in my life for several weeks. We had amazing sex, he opened my eyes to the joy of biting.
But now the thoughts consume me. Its a battle that will not end.

Paternity determined

2010-03-08T12:08:00.002-06:00

SO one question has been answered .. A is the father of baby girl. Not P. One sigh of relief but yet P is the father of Baby Boy. :( and i found out that A has another son .. only 9 months younger than my daughter. I cant consider it cheating since we were never together but where did he have the time? He was with me 4 or 5 days a week during my entire pregnancy ..
Took him to take the paternity test ... havent heard from him since .. not once has he tried to contact me or even seem to want to meet his daughter. He was part of her life for 5 months but denied the whole thing in front of the court. uggggh! Is it for the better? How will I ever explain it when my daughter grows up? What kind of pain will she go through because of my actions? And now P is being a jerk too. He has been part of her life since she was 7 months and now doesnt even ask about her. She calls him daddy and I guess just like most fathers do will break her heart like mine broke my heart when i was just a child. Again .. how did i get here .. ? How did i ever think I was better than ghetto? 2 children 2 fathers .. and not one around to help out.

Baby Boy

2010-03-08T12:03:00.001-06:00

9 lbs 2 oz ..and hes gorgous .... the hospital stay was horrid while P bitched and moaned the entire time ... He left the day after my release and I havent heard from him since. At least nothing that would benifit me. He does text me to let me know he is sick .. text me to let me know his dad has been diagnosed with cancer ... expects me to care .. never once asking about me or the kids. How did i find him? Why did i fall in love again? What exactly was it that i loved about him to begin with? How do I move on from here?
So many unanswered question .. so many unmanageable feelings. I am lost! I dont even know what to do except i know i have to "stay strong" for the kids ~ and how do i do that when i feel so empty?

oh yea .. hes bipolar!

2009-11-10T20:04:00.002-06:00

or schizo .. or just plain crazy .. i forgot that part ..
So I pick up my daughter from school and she is asking for him. Daddy?? well more like Daaaatttyyy??? and tilts her head in wonderment. "sorry baby daddy aint here today"
So I text him.. it honestly kills me for her to ask for him. I ask if there is any way for us to find peace for our kids? Hell no he answers. I knew he would say that.
I tell him that i hate going through all the bullshit and hope that we can figure shit out without the hatred. He doesnt see that happening.
I am a peace maker .. He is a grudge holder. He holds on the crap for years and years.
Finally he calms down .. we talk for a while .. well text for a while .. I know he is texting other people while we talk . I dont mention it .. but i know him to well. Finally i ask .. he says hes not .. and instant pissed .. He always gets pissed when he is lying. I know this
He starts to asks a ton of questions about me ... i answer no problem .. I ask about one women he finally admits to .. married 2 kids ... says hes only spoken to her once ... its a lie ..i can tell but the increase of cuss words he uses in his text messages .. I change the subject to talk about family guy ... about 3o minutes he is cussing me out beyond belief .. I have no clue what happened
I can only assume that he sent her a message that was meant for me .. and she called his ass out!
so his only option is to find a way to quit talking to me ..
which is fine.
I say goodnight .. he goes on to talk to someone else ... how do i know .. cause i got a message at midnight that had nothing to do with me.
His mood changes .. i cant stand them .. its another reason we will never find peace ..
I suggested once he should find counsoling ... I told him i honestly thought he was bipolar ..
he didnt say anything .. i hope he is actually thinking about it for the safety of our children
and for his own safety

Boo!

2009-11-09T19:38:00.002-06:00

So I got off graveyard shift and took my daughter to school. Had to stay up so I can go to the attorney generals office at 9. Figured I'd kill an hour and check my mail see what was going on in the yahoo world. It was all good until i got a message.. heyya stranger. Yea one of my old "buddies". Havent spoken to him since i was pregnant with my daughter .. about 2 years. "Not much" i replied "just trying to kill time". "how bout a blow job"? he ask. .. "eh no thanks i still dont have a cock .. sorry
but im sure i can find a guy for you" .. .ha ha ha .. not really what he meant .. i already knew that ..
so he goes into how much he thinks about me and my umm talents .. and really misses them. Yea yea yea ... ive heard it before ..
He ask about a friend of mine that 3somed with us before .. asked if we still played around with each other cause he would love to watch. "oh i bet you would" i say .. but no schedules dont really allow us any play time ...
"are you still trying to be a good girl" he ask .. "lol lol"
umm.. not really trying but i guess i have been good .. loyal to P to a point...
he offered to take care of my needs when ever i need it ..
im horny as hell .. really need release .. its all i can think of .. it controls my day .. i think about being touched being kissed .. getting my pussy eaten out .. and getting a nice cock to slam into me till i cum! i need it .. i want it ..

But not with him
and when i think about it .. i can no longer see myself with anyone but P
I think i love him .. and in love with him .. and even through all the shit .. all the fucked up shit that has happened in the last year .. i need him
not the way its been but the way it was .. before the pressure before the expectations .. before all the shit
and i can only see myself with him .. and right now i only want him .. noone else ..
and then i realize this is when it starts .. this is how it starts ..
If i cant have him .. i might as well just fuck around because everyone else is just a fuck either way .... right?
I didnt do it .. i dont want to .. I NEED TO .. but i dont want to do it with him ..
The only one i want to please and to please me is P.
Thats it .. hes my one and only right now .. except we are no longer together ..
BOO!
where do i end up from here .. fucking everyone that passes me by? the way it was before?

losing the battle winning the war?

2009-11-09T03:21:00.002-06:00

Is it even possible? So my situation has changed how ever does change who I am or what I am. I still have an addiction, I am still weak. My thoughts still controlled at every moment. Now I havent acted upon my wants or my needs in over a year. Well, maybe I have and just used P to satisfy myself. I would love to say that my actions changed the moment I found out that i was pregnant but truth is they didnt. I stop going to bars, but still had friends that would come by and visit. A stuck around me through out pregnancy. Was it sweet of him? Was it him wanting to step in and play hero again? Or just his wanting to take care of me again? Either way he was there to satisfy any need I had. After baby arrived I got involved with a friend of A's. I know it was wrong but I couldnt stop myself it happened .. it caused a major disfunction with me and A. We no longer talk .. he couldnt believe my actions. I couldnt believe my actions. He was by my side to the day baby was born and again the day i was released from the hospital and I betrayed him. It happens in this life. As much as I wanted to do right my him, by my daughter, and for myself my addiction got the better of me. AGAIN! When I finally had the guts to call it quits with the friend me and A were too far gone. A month later P came back into the picture and the drama has taken over. In between the drama we used each other to satisfy our sexual needs. Was it right? Is it better than going off with some stranger? Sex is Sex. If there is nothing more to it doesnt really matter who you are involving. And now I am left to myself .. I am trying to control it. I battle it everyday. Im losing. I want more .. I need more...
I will lose ... its just a matter of time

So why did I stay around so long?

2009-11-08T04:21:00.002-06:00

What is the saying, "keep your friends close, your enemies closer?" Well that is part of it. I didnt want to be the one to throw my little lamb to the wolf. Partly decided to keep trying to protect my daughter, and partly because I did love him. Or loved what I thought was him. In the last 16 months the truth of him as surely changed.
And now I have been threatened with a lawyer and will have to face the reality that custody battle is the future. I was trying to wait until my boy was born but I guess that just wont happen.
I can only hope that i dont have any more complications with my pregnancy than I already have .. its been a tough 23 weeks ...

these are the facts ...

2009-11-08T03:45:00.004-06:00

and nothing but the facts ... (as I will have to present to the lawyer I have been threatened with)

I met P online around February 2004 … continued a very very casual relationship .. he didn’t want a girlfriend I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend … he made it clear he didn’t want children and I was told that I couldn’t have children. The relationship worked for us at the time. He worked at various jobs keeping him away or on call 24 hours a day .. or a least that is what I was told. During the coarse of being together he rarely shared anything about himself. He did happen to mention that he did have a son. Was born when he was 16 or 17 years of age. He told me that he never mentioned the birth of his child to anyone, not even his parents. The child passed away around 18 months. ( I am not sure of the specific age) I do remember that even though we were getting closer at that time I also started to question his honesty. I had a hard time understanding how someone could have a child and not share the information with his parents.

April 23 2007 –home test positive
P's reaction asking me to have an abortion said he didn’t want anything to do with me and having a child and that it would be the worse thing to happen to him. He said that if I had the child I would never see him again.
April 26 2007 – blood test results positive
Hadnt heard from P and when I text him he said he was not going to have anything to do with me.
October 3 2007 – Sonogram showed having a girl sent P a text got no response
December 11, 2007 – baby was born, I sent P a picture and message did not get a response. Later when I did hear from him he said that he didn’t get the picture but still didn’t want anything to do with her or me.
June 5 2008 – received a text from P asking how baby was doing .. sent him a picture and no other response
July 7 2008 – received a text from P, asking if we could work things out. Talked on the phone later that night
July 10, 2008 – P was back from out of town and came over to meet baby.
July 18, 2008 – met his mom
July 22, 2008 _- had lunch with P and mom… was given $35 to help with what baby may need.
August 5, 2008 – P started working
August 9, 2008 – first fight
August 18, 2008 – P quit working
August 22, 2008 – $75 child care/$180 food and clothes
September 8, 2008 – Broke up/September 25, 2008 – back together
September 28, 2008 – broke up/October 4, 2008 – back together
October 16 – broke up (several fights in between and on several occasions he stated that he didn’t want anything to do with me or baby and that he would rather sign over his rights.)
November 3, 2008 – back together – November 11, 2008 broke up
November 16, 2008 – back together
November 18, 2008 – broke up .. made comment (I took as a threat) toward my mother
Saying “next time she gets in my way I will be so far up her ass she wont be able to walk for a week” (Not on this date but He had also made comments about my sister in law that he was going to tell her off and take care of things )
December 1, 2008 back –December 9, 2009 broke up
January 2, 2009 – back together January 4 broke up
January 18, 2009 – back together
January 27, 2009 – had meeting at work .. 9 am to 11 am .. left P to take care of baby.. upon my return there was a porn video on top of the DVD player .. he said that he had put baby in her room and just decided to put the video in.
February 6, 2009 – broke up/February 26, 2009 – back –March 4, 2009 – large fight March 8th gone
March 21, 2009 – back together March 29th broke up … P punched a dent into hood of my car
April 21, 2009 – back together April 24, 2009 broke up
May 7, 2009 – back together May 10, 2009 (mothers day) broke up
June 25, 2009 – back together
July 2, 2009 – huge fight … cussing and yelling at me in front of family –broke up
Again stated that he didn’t want anything to do with baby and he wished to sign over his rights. Received an email from his mom the next couple of days stating that she and his father would decide what was best for our situation.
July 11, 2009 – received several text messages on phone and email .. threats for me to watch my back … made police report CN ~~~42
July 14, 2009 – back together July 15, 2009 – broke up
July 18, 2009 – pregnancy test positive
July 20, 2009 – back together August 1, 2009 gone
September 5, 2009 – received several email and text threatening me and threatening to get me fired from work .
From September to November 3, 2009 back and forth weekly almost daily
October 19, 2009 – huge fight at P's house. Over his smoking weed. He stated he couldn’t wait to start smoking again and that he would rather continue smoking that to care or be a part of his childrens life. He stated he was a pot head and will always remain a pot head and he wasn’t going to give it up for anything. He would rather lose his family that to give it up.
October 26 to November 3 rd – found out he had several accounts for dating sites, Eharmony, plenty of fish, single net, flirt, as well as advertisements on craigslist looking to hook up
Very early after P coming back I found some text messages on his phone of sexual nature that he had been exchanging with a man from Robstown. The earliest advertisement I know of on craigslist was in January of 2009. He also advertised himself on his myspace account as single and looking. Listing women as a hobby of his. And several other sites he was a member of looking to hook up ...

what the hell?

2009-10-14T22:58:00.003-05:00

wow so its been 3 years since my last post? where the hell have i been? Its been rocky its been crazy its been amazing. Catch up part i suppose comes later.... today i sit and stare wondering where my life has gone, what have i done and what can i possibly do now? And i sit wondering all this as my 22 month old sleeps in the other room. Yes me a mother. again... what the hell?
They say life is a roller coaster ... yea i can see how things can make you nausiated and at times leaves you with the feeling that you about to dive head first into death..... lol
i love my daughter dont take me wrong .. but this is not the life i thought i would be living 3 years ago... have you read my previous post? i was never even suppose to be able to have children .. at least that was what all the doctors told me .. and i surely never lived my life as if i would ever become a mother ... of 2!!
Did i mention im pregnant? 4 1/2 months ... and i was on the pill ..
Now to wonder .. where is the father??? ha! father? intersting concept .. to bad not my reality right now. I suppose i was blinded and thought that things with P would actually work. They worked so well before .. well before all the expectations and a positive pregnancy test.
Then off to the races .. he was out the door before the plus sign appeared on the stick ..
I should have guessed .... and 15 months later he got me to believe he wanted to be part of a family ... It was only year later he had his running shoes on again .. yes after another pregnancy test came back positive ..
and again i am left to wonder what the hell??????

Vodka is bad ....

2006-09-18T11:53:00.000-05:00

So after my 12 hour shift i get home in hopes for some pillow time. I fall asleep almost instantly but only to be woken up at 9 .. just an hour and a half after falling to sleep. It was P to let me know that he would be in town and that he would love to go to the party with me. I was happy .. but told him to stop bothering me.... i was sleeping .. so after 15 minutes of text messaging he finally said goodnight and he would see me at 5. So off to dream land again .. for about 40 minutes and then i receive a text message from my ex husband to fill me in on life up north. I call him up and again i say .. "stop bothering me... babe .. you know what the best thing is about divorce.. i no longer have to care about your life.. i dont have to hear it .. or pretend to be interested in it... im tired.. let me sleep" he doesnt believe me .. he knows that i still love him even after marraige.. and i would die for my step daughter .. so any news about her effects me. after about 20 minutes of talking we finally hang up and i attempt to sleep. for about an hour .. in which another text message came through my phone waking me to fill me in on my other friends life.. woohoo ..
"im up .. im up" .. i say as i call him rather than try to spell shit out after only maybe 4 hours of sleep total.
Then i jump out of bed .. start to clean up .. shower... fix my hair and await my lovely P.
we are still not a couple but somehow with A out of the way .. i think we are getting closer. How weird.
At 5 i went to pick him up rather than wait for him to get a ride to go home from work drive 20 minutes to his house, pick up his car...and then drive another 30 minutes back to my house.. it takes me 10 minutes to pick him up .. and i hadnt seen him in a while. I was eager.
we get home and dont even mess with the bullshit .. we have just enough time for a quickie before the party .. so we got down to business.. (details on another blog)
When i say enough time for a quickie .. it was 530 and the party started at 7 ..
our quickie lasted till 640 .. i dont think P quite understand the concept .. but there are no complaints on my end .. i was a very satisfied woman.
So off to taco bell for a quick dinner and conversation and then to the party ..
it was great. In the mist of it he asked me out on a date. "What??"
okay i have known P for about 1 1/2 years. we have headed to ihop for midnight meals .. after a night of drinking .. apart .. we have never gone out on an actual date .. nor has it ever been an issue. We have done movie nights... but always at home. He has a dumb job that keeps him on call 24 hrs a day. So instead of making plans that will get broken we just hang at home. i have no problem with it... its rare that i ever get the chance to stay in.. so with him i enjoy the comforts of my living room. i think things work out well for us because we havent entered the dating part of our relationship. But here it is .. he wants to take me to dinner and a concert in two weeks. i didnt know what to say .. he then said he would make a trip to the store to get food to make me breakfast. "What?" your making me breakfast and you want to take me out on a date? wow .. i am impressed.
off to the party .. of coarse within two hours his boss calls there is a problem at the oil well .. they need to fix it before the rain comes in. He is pissed, i am upset .. and basically there is nothing i can do about it. Other than be a girl and bitch about it for 15 minutes. (yea thats about all i can take when i am upset) i bitch and moan, he says he is sorry and he is going to try to make it back during the week to make things up to me. (being a girl, the bitchest shit i could have said just came right out of my mouth) "why, its not like your my boyfriend, you dont have to make anything up to me"
he looks at me shocked. "you know your the only girl i am with, and if i had a different job i wouldnt have a problem making it official. i wont do that to you because i know my job sucks and its not fair to you"
i say, "wow... you know i just took this on a path i dont want to go on.. lets just talk about it later" im not the type to wanna be a bitch .. so i kiss him .. and i feel better ... well for a little bit. we sat and didnt talk for about 10 minutes.. he is pissed.. "hey ... look im a girl .. i say bitchy things.. im sorry. don't be mad at me about it" he says .. "im not mad at you .. i just cant believe that they called knowing that i was going to be with you... i told them i needed the whole day with you .. and they do this shit... plus i have known bigger bitches than you.. you are a delight even when you bitch at me." he winks at me. we kiss some more and i make jokes that finally get him laughing. the 5 drinks i had just downed kinda played a role in my feel good attitude.
so off to work he went .. and back to the party i went. Drank and drank.. till i was feelin really good. Then i ran out of parot bay... so on to the vodka. around 130 i realize that it is late and i have to work in the morning. and i think wow .. im drunk.
Vodka .. is bad .. especially when it follows a bottle of parot bay that you kill all by yourself .. minus two shots.
i woke with a headache and a stomach that was attempting to jump out of my body..
I'm hurtin.

Humm...

2006-09-17T04:09:00.000-05:00

Well this past week has been pretty intersting. Wednesday i got food posioning .. well not exactly i guess. I was a guest at a luncheon with the CEO of our company and i wasnt aware of the ingredients used for the food. Sure enough within 15 minutes my mouth became to tingle and it was followed by complete nausea and well .. the scoots. Yea!! what fun. so that pretty much led me home from work to stay in bed half the day into the night with an occassional run to the bathroom. Occassional? More like every 15 minutes. Thursday was game night so already being warn out from wednesday i then stayed up all day till 2 in the morning. Then awake early on friday to make lunch for the my co-workers. After work was a meeting with my brothers fiance to discuss wedding plans. I hate discussing wedding plans when the bride has no clue of what she wants and just figures that she will just throw things together. Okay that doesnt work ... even a "thrown" together wedding needs a theme. So after listening to her and her aunt, mother, sister come up with ideas... i give my thoughts. They loved it. So i had to make list, plans, and tell her what needs to be done.
Then i am nominated to do the bridal cake, grooms cake, and pan de polvo. All on the day after thanksgiving. I can do it.. but i wish i had more notice to think of what to do.
I got home in time to change, hit the gym and make it back home before 2 in the morning. Brunch with the family at 9 so i was left to sleep for 6 1/2 hours. Now im working a 12 hour shift here at work and i dont think i've slept enough to get me through. Im tired. Party tonight (Sunday) for a co-worker and back to work on Monday morning. Fun Fun.
The only thing to look forward to is P coming over in a few hours to spend the day with me. Lucky him, i am planning on being asleep at least until 2. He'll get off easy this time. he will get to relax and still get credit for being with me while he is in town.
Tuesday i meet with the doc for my psych exam and hopefully i will get through with no problems and a new job to follow. I can't wait.

Dirty Laundry ...

2006-09-13T10:30:00.000-05:00

So monday i am visiting my brother and his new fiance ... (nephew's momma) when i realize that its getting late. It was already 10 and i still had to go to the gym before i head to bed. I get up say its time to go and my brother responds,, "what gotta do laundry?" at which they both laugh .. I look at them and ask what i am missing because i dont see whats funny and i am actually headed to the gym. He says, "well we just wondered what 'laundry' was code for .. because it seems that you always have to do 'laundry'"
"umm... its code for i have dirty clothes and they need to be clean.... i do laundry once or twice a week???? " i still dont get it.
she says, "yea .. its okay .. we all have 'laundry' dont we?"
okay now im offended. i say to them .. "look if it was anything more than i would say that .. i dont lie or use codes for what i am doing..if i say i am going out, i am going out .. if i say i am meeting friends guess what, i am meeting friends .. if i say i will go to ihop . .. you can drive your ass to ihop and find me there .. if i say i am doing laundry you can be damn sure that i am doing laundry."
they looked at me shocked....
i continued, " i have my own battles that i am fighting right now and the both of you should know and understand it more than anyone, i have my own faults and my sins that i wont try to deny... but i dont need you two to make my everyday chores into some little dirty secret. if its your inside joke .. then keep it to yourselves .. but know that i dont appreciate you two turning anything that i do into more than it is .. thats very judgemental of the two of you to assume that i am doing something hidden." and i left.
so im cranky, my temper is running high .. its been 11 days since i have had any contact ...
I am trying ... i know 11 days seems like nothing .. but i have never gone that long between encounters. I am hurting .. and solo play just isnt working anymore ..
some people go months .. even years.. i will never understand how it works.. i am celebrating that i have gone 11 days ..

and counting ..
woohoo ..

baby steps .. thats all i can do right now.

The opposite of "right" ...

2006-09-08T10:29:00.000-05:00

is
a.) left
b.) wrong
C.) correct

this was one of the 900 questions on my psych evaluation yesturday. Carzy huh? Among those questions were also... i would enjoy being a scientist. I would enjoy the work of a librarian. I have read more than 10 books this year. and on and on and on....

3 1/2 hours later .. and i think if i wasnt crazy before i sure am crazy now.
Now i wait to meet with the psychologist and he gets to analyze me to inform the police department if i am mental or not. Woohoo.
Why the exam? I applied for a position with the local police department.
Its such a long proccess .. i applied back in May .. maybe even april. And here it is September.
Oh well .. i think it went well.

Just to Top things off....

2006-09-06T13:54:00.000-05:00

For Today:
Leo
July 22 - August 22
Memories from the distant past, perhaps as far back as early childhood, could keep popping into your conscious mind today, dear Leo. You may feel really silly, crying over a fairytale your grandmother read you when you were 5 years old, but as embarrassing as this can be, it's actually a positive form of release. Old pain from the past, even as inane as this, can actually limit you in your current situation. Let it go and embrace the process.

Dream Works IV

2006-09-06T11:26:00.000-05:00

So at the end of last year i took a Meaning of Dreams class. I loved it. I have always felt that God speaks to us in different ways and dreams are the most vivid way to receive messages from Him. Its the only time im quiet enough to listen. In the class we talked about how dreaming of a house, especially your house symbolizes your being. Attics represent thoughts or ideas. Front door future, back door past, front yard is public life, ect, ect, ect......
So two nights ago i dreamt of my apartment.
I had gotten out of my car and realized there was a man trying to break into the back door. I stood there watching him for a minute as he broke down the door. He finally realized that i was there and walked away from the apartment. I slowly walked in trying to find out what was going on. When i took my first step in I realized i the layout was different from my place but i still felt that it was my home. I looked into one bedroom and noticed that all the windows were open and the shades were not on. I close the windows and lock them. Then pulled the curtains close to keep people from looking into the house. I slowly go into each room, closing then locking each window that was wide open before. Then I close the curtains shut. As I move around the house i notice that the back door is knocked off the hinges and i cant figure out how to shut the door. As i try to think of a way to close up i notice the guy who broke the door down just standing and staring at me. Staring into the house.
Then i wake up. No solution, and the back door remained open.

So now im left to wonder what it means. If its something or someone from my past does it connect with me seeing my ex the other night? Is he the one trying to bring back things from my past?

Dane Cook ...

2006-09-06T11:23:00.000-05:00

I love him. I love his insanity, his act. His voice is soothing. The way he moves .. Its everything ...
His act actually calms me .. Its great... and for that I love him (not in a i wanna have his babies kinda way.. although he is hot!)

Yup I said it ... Its out there.

Facing the Roach....

2006-09-05T10:14:00.000-05:00

So Friday night came and my brother asked to take him to wal-mart. Sure, why not. I had nothing else planned at the moment and was in need to buy birthday gifts for about 4 people. Including a watch for my mom. So off we went. To the toy section to buy gifts for my nephew. After about an hour I realized that this quick trip to the store was more than I expected. I decide to head off to look at watches and catch up with brother later. I started seaching the display cases and realizing there was nothing of interst. As I made my way around the case I felt it. A chill down my spine. I looked up and across the counter, I saw him. My roach. He stood there looking at watches, I couldnt breathe. He --- is my ex from 9 years ago.
It started as a great relationship. We met when i was 18, dated, fell in love, and became engaged. He even went to church, made his confirmation and communion in order to have the church wedding of my dreams. I didnt ask him for it, he did it because he loved me. The plan was to wait till I turned 21 to be married, and I would live at home until we joined as man and wife. A few months after I turned 20 we came across a house we could not pass up. Two bedrooms, great neighborhood and only $250 a month. That rate is completely unheard of. After thinking about our options, we decided to go ahead and move in together. It was great. For about 24 hours. After I was moved in, he quit his job. I was now responsible for paying the rent, bills, and getting food on the table. He became jealous of everything I did. He hated the fact that I worked with men, calling me at least 20 times a day. If he did have a job he would make sure he was able to take his breaks around my work schedule in order to take me to work leaving me without my own car. (jobs like that dont last long) At night he would drink till he passed out leaving me with out a ride home at 2 and 3 in the morning. Then he started beating me. For no reason at all. Or was it for every reason he could think of. Spending too much time with my family, going to do laundry without him to watch over me. Talking to guys, laughing while i was on the phone with him. It was a nightmare. Once i got beat because i thought that i was pregnant. Thank God i wasnt. After the beatings came the rape. I worked an 18 hour day and was tired, he was drunk. he pulled a box cutter and pushed it into my throat. I dont know what kept me there, pride was part of it. I didnt want to admit to myself that i had made such a mistake. I thought it would get better. It never did. I finally found the courage to leave 2 months before my 21st birthday. It was made even harder when he called the cops on me to keep me from moving out. I wasnt allowed in the house to remove my things. Then came the stalking. He waiting outside my work. He waited outside my house. He slashed my tires, my brothers tires, and my mothers tires. He kicked my pregnant dog until it was too late to save her. She died the next day. I was in a car accident and couldnt drive. I had a friend take me to work. Oddly enough the next morning i woke up to all the windows in my rental car broken and so were the windows of his car.
When i was finally out, i would pray that he find happiness, something to keep him from thinking of me. I prayed that i would never see his face again. The prayer was answered for 9 years. But now ... here he was. only 5 feet from me. I couldn't breathe. I stepped away from the case in hopes that he wouldnt see me. He didnt. But at that moment i fought off an axiety attact. I became paranoid. Looking over my back at every turn. My brother said my skin was pale, and looked sick. I couldnt talk to explain. It was my worst moment,
Facing my roaches.

Dream Works ... III

2006-08-31T09:34:00.000-05:00

Before i begin, i must confess i have a fews fears. Some major phobeas. I have a couple of issues that are created when I am stressed (obsessive compulsions). Of my fears, I am scared of clowns and roaches, among a ton of other things. Those are the ones that are important here. The clown thing is not only because they are scary and ugly but they contribute to my fear analysis. Yes i have actually sat down and analyzed my fears (not by a professional or anything .. just my own thoughts) .. and only so i can try to over come them. (I dont like mascots, I dont like mimes, i prefer to talk in person than on the phone, and all of these are symtoms of having issues with people who are not who they pretend to be ............ hiding their true self ....... like clowns).

Roaches .. well they are just gross. They get into everything and .. eeewwwww.

Dream 1

On the night of August 29th I had a dream that really freaked me out.

As it begins I am walking in the food court looking for lunch. We are work and all of my friends and my sister are getting lunch and meeting at a group of tables to eat. I go to the cafeteria and there is nothing that i want. I go to McDonalds and they are closed with chains onthe doors. I look around and there is a bakery in the center of the room. i walk over and order a muffin and a bottle of water. As i wait i look towards the table to my friends and one of my friends is dressed as a clown. I am trying to figure out which friend it is. I recognize my sister and a few other people but i cant recall who the clown is. I get my muffin and water and was charged 18 bucks. i put the water back and just take the muffin and still paid 9 bucks for it. I walk to the table still trying to figure out who the clown is. She stands right beside me as i approach the table. The group starts to joke and laugh, the clown just stands to my right staring at me. She/He never talks or even laughs.

I wake up wonderin who the clown is.

Dream 2

Night of August 30th, i walked into my childhood bedroom and notice all the furniture was the same as back when i was young. Preparing for bed i turned off the light. I hear some noises and turn the light on again.. the walls are bare. i grab a flashlight equipt with a blue light and glance around the room. It is only with the special light that i can see the roaches on the wall. They are normal roaches but i notice they all have a white stripe painted on them. I start to kill them but without the help of the special light it is impossible to see. So i can only see one spot of the wall at a time. It seems that the roaches are in groups of three as i can tell, and a few of them are single. I move along the room killing these painted roaches. When they start getting bigger and bigger. Their bodies are covered in white paint and have blue and red colored stripes and dots on them. I am aware that they are painted up like clowns.

I finally got to the last roach and i realize that this one is the biggest of them all and even flying towards me. It misses me and lands on the wall. the body is completely white with big red dots and blue stripes on the wings. I attemt to kill it when it flies off the wall and towards my neck. It lands on me and crawls into my shirt.

That is when i woke up short of breath and completely freaked out. I could actually feel it crawling on me. I was even beginning to sweat.

I don't really know what to think of these dreams yet but i am pretty sure that the clown painting in both dreams is significant and the numbers could play a role is the meaning of each or both of these dreams.

"An' I'm 50!!"

2006-08-30T13:33:00.000-05:00

So A came over the other night to catch up on things. Hadn't spoken to him since the party. He brought along D who i suppose was there to back up his side of the story. He asked if I was still mad or if i had had time to think about things. I said well there is nothing to think about my only question is, was the hit because he was gay? He said -- No it was not.
He then proceeded to tell me that he asked Bfriend to stop and that he was 'uncomfortable with two guys making out and if they wanted to hang out just to cool it for a bit'. Bfriend turned to him and said "fuck you i dont want to stop and tough if your uncomfortable by it".
A walked away to tell me what was going on .. (this part of the story i already knew) but then told me that when he returned he felt disrespected and Bfriend was wanting to fight.
So he hit him.
He then said, "Look, you know that im not the type of person to start fucking around in front of people if i want to start hooking it up i go to a more private place, i expect that if there are other people who want to hook up they can go to a more private place". He continued ... "maybe im ol school i just think that its only out of respect to go to a more private place to do your bussiness".
A is like that .. but i responded, "yea cause your like a whole 7 months older than me right? so ol' school?"
He continued in the most serious voice i have ever heard from him, "girl, Im old .... Im fifty ... (long pause) and i can kick (and he kicks)" (I love Molly Shannon)
and i laughed and laughed .. .. OMG .. i was not expecting that .. I laughed until i cried...
He came over knelt in front of me .. and said he was sorry ..
We hugged .. and at that moment i knew our friendship could not end.
I just cant be without him. He is everything to me right now .. and has been for so long.
He is the one that can make me laugh the way he does, and even cry the way that he does. So we spent the night talking and watching movies. It was great.

Oh .. the drama

2006-08-25T09:40:00.000-05:00

so off to game night and thought all was fine. Wrong! One of the members of the other team decides he would talk shit about us. Our score keeper was a cheater, we didn't beat them, we simply got lucky. And well ... that pissed off the members of our team. Pissed me off because the score keeper on their team was actually cheating me on my game. I had to correct him a number of times and there were quite a few rounds i didnt catch his mistakes. I still won.
He lossed his first game and decides to say, "well you didnt beat me, i had a sorry partner."
A sorry partner? Oh i bet that made his team feel good. So F got rowdy and started talking shit back. Oh what a night. Sorry part it wasnt just distracting to the dumbass but it distracted us all. We still won the night, but it came with a price. We should have gotten more quality and ended the night sooner.
The night ended with dumbass saying, "well u might have won the night, but we are still in 1st place"
"What? Have you seen the standings? Your in 5th? two behind us!" (okay so we are in third .. but only behind by 10 games ... we can still come up on top)
He looked shocked, "but how is that we are undefeated!"
I laughed and i laughed ... he stared at me blankly, "so not only did we beat your ass .. you are no longer undefeated and you lost to girls ... !!"
he shook his head. Then my brothers joined in the teasing. "Undefeated and still not number 1 .. how is that possible?"
Dumbass asked me to explain. "Well how many games are you winning a night? if its just 8 to 7 .. and another team is winning 12 to 3 .. well the 12 games are going to add up a whole lot faster than the 8 games. Even if they have lost a night or two. If they lose only by one game its not hurting them. Like when we win, it normally 11 t0 4 .. or 14 to 1, so we have lost a night or two ... but only by one or two games... So our wins are higher than your wins. Its not about how many nights you win .. its how many games you win."
another blank stare. I think he finally realized that talking shit to us didnt work.
So they left the bar ... left our team to settle things.
Brother mentioned how F being rowdy was a distraction to us all .. that sent F into a rage. They got into it .. i stood by with the rest of the team waiting .. Other brother stepped into it and started with the rage. I waited ... i agreed .. it was a distraction .. i waited to say my peace.
my sis-in-law made the comment that i didnt have to right to say anything. Excuse me? how do i not have the right to say anything? We are a team? she said well this is between them .. and looked at her .. and said, "yea .. im not getting between them .. i waiting to say something once they are done." She says, "once they are done .. its done."
Bull shit ..
so we got into it .. finally i just said "fuck it!" turned walked away. Leaving her mid-sentence.
It was a stupid overly dramatic, retarded night.
But at least we won!

I don't know ..

2006-08-24T12:19:00.000-05:00

I really don't.
Ever feel like you just want to stop? I mean really, just stop going to work, stop trying to understand. Just Stop.
Don't take me wrong, I'm not depressed or angry or anything... I think i might just be nothing ... okay maybe tired. Tired of the drama here at work. Tired of trying to figure out what everyone means when they say what you want to hear rather than their own thoughts. Tired of people being two-faced, and stupid.
So we are short handed at work. Another girl is needing to trade to days or might have to quit. I am in need of more money (switching to nights) or I might have to quit to get a higher paying job. Going to nights would mean a 20% increase in pay which would help out a great deal. And i would be able to keep my job and possible have a chance to go back to school in the spring. Rather than just allow me and the other girl to switch, the manager is willing risk losing us both and put a hold on schedule changes. At least until things settle down. The problem with that is that we have such a high turn over that things will never settle down.
Then there is so much "she said and she said and then she said....." that noone knows what is really being said and i really dont care anyways. I think it all needs to stop. Can't trust anyone that i work with because I don't know who really said what and why. One reason?? "She" (whoever she happens to be at the moment) said one thing to one person and will turn right around and say something completely different to someone else. Then that someone else goes to another someone else and says, "well she said that you said that i said that she said .. " and its too much for anyone to understand.
I just want to move to nights and get away from the drama (and make more money).
Won't happen, the manager won't allow it which i beleive is the worst decision to make for the department. Even worse is that we are 6 ladies that work here. 6 .... ladies .. shouldn't things run alittle more smoothly? So for that i haven't given much thought on what to blog about... i have a lot of ideas just can't get them straight.

I have a niece ..

2006-08-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

woohoo ... a little premature .. but she is cute ..
so she seems in the pics ...
5 lbs and 10 oz....
my lil half sister gave birth on August 17th 3:32 am. Another leo in the family .. that makes 4 now.

I guess I should Explain.

2006-08-20T08:37:00.000-05:00

So at the party there was something said by A that made me think that the reason he hit my cousins dude is because he doesn' t like gays. That was one theory of two. The other theory was that dude was saying shit about the military that was pissin off Ton. Ton then complained to A and A asked me to tell dude to quit his shit. I tried... apparently they didnt want me involved so they just told me that it was all cool. Then I heard that Cousin and Dude were huggin on each other when A asked them to quit their shit. Dude wasnt about to back down. I missed the whole thing until A hit Dude. Nice right? well i asked around and noone really knew what happened or why .. but later in the night A made a comment, "damn i have never seen that kind of shit.. it was freaking me out." I looked at A, "What?" "tell me again why you hit him." He never said. I assumed the theory about Dude commenting on the military was right.. but i wasnt sure. Part of me finally clicked and thought that maybe it was because my cousin and his dude were hugging and it freaked out A. And so i havent talked to him.
Didnt think A was a hater. I can only hope that wasnt the reason and some day i will know the truth about what happened. Being stubborn i am not going to call him asking for an explanation which means that i probably will never know.
Another temporary friendship.

haha .. speakin of temporary ... two girls just quit at work....
The old lady and the bitch. Could i finally be free from J? i can only hope.
This week should reveal all the drama and we will find out what happened and why. I am happy and yet i know that because of it i will be filling in for a lot of shifts. That sucks. but more money and for that i cant complain.

damn .. almost a week ..

2006-08-20T08:19:00.000-05:00

since my last post... what is up with me? gettin lazy i guess. Maybe just depressed. Okay not really .. but life is starting to suck, or is it just gettin busy? My week is now jam packed with shit to do. Everyday is work from 9 to 5 .. i love those bankers hours. But after work .. it goes something like this.. Monday .. real life. Yea im going again. Turns out that if i really want to change my bad habits, i actually need to do something about it. So i am trying. Tuesday meetings, and then dinner with ma. Wednesday Journy of Faith. I, even with my faults, have been asked to help in the coarse. Thursday is game night .. and Friday is dinner with the family ... but that may be moved to Saturday. Sometime during all that crap is laundry night.
I have not spoken to A since the party, i just can't get myself to think that i can be friends with him if he does have something against gays. He has been totally cool with me, but i have been told by so many people that its different for two chics to be together and so not cool for two dudes to be together. Well its all the same to me and all of my friends are gay. I cannot understand how in todays society he has never come across two homosexual guys. But then again P aslo told me that in all his years he has only known 2 guys that were gay. But his thoughts about gay people is so fucked up. And so is A's. So i dont talk to him any more. :( two years and its done. I need to meet some gay friendly hetrosexuals that i can get along with.
R is still in the dumps. Has yet to get a job, or bathe. I have already done what i could, if he is to come out of the depression it is by his own moves .. no one can make him do it.
No more fishin, apparently Stu is completely offended by me. It happens. I guess. Goes back to different views of life. We all come from different parts of the world.. i guess im from the wrong part of the tracks .. haha
Been working all week .. at work now .. and i still have 5 days before my next day off.
Im tired and can't think ..
P is coming around a little more .. its nice to have him around. Unfortunately is was shipped out of town to work on some wells further down south. Not sure when he will be back again.

For stu ...

2006-08-13T23:46:00.000-05:00

"Does it ever feel like you've truly won? Are you ever satisfied? Have you ever filled the emptiness inside of yourself by these conquests? Don't you want someone that loves you, and needs you, and would die for you? I've spent 29 years saving myself for one that I truly love and that loves me, and it's hard as hell, and I often question myself and wonder whether waiting is the right thing to do. I don't ever want to be stuck in the mode where it is a game though, where it has lost it has lost all meaning other than pure pleasure or the challenge of winning. I'm not saying that it's wrong or right, but I know it's not for me. "

Again, that is the difference between obsession and addiction. so maybe a quick view into my life .. in case you ever wonder why i give you shit about stuff...and ask you to not bring up things that i have done, especially when i was drunk .. haha and this is not an attact on you .. i get if from everyone .. every day ..
i get tired..... Im not empty .. i have a full life .. and a great life away from these conquest. but again .. its an addiction. I get pulled into it... i will apologize now since my personality and behavior doesnt always seem that i am fighting this ... i am very sexual in my actions, and behaviors, i joke about it every day .. that is the world we live in ... i am flirty by nature .. and that comes with the territory .. thats just how i am .. ... it doesnt justify my actions .. nor do i make excuses .. i am just one jumbled body of confussion.
When i tell my stories, its not because i am proud. I have stories to tell, things to say, and i laugh about it all, why beacuse this is my life. If i didnt laugh i would go nuts. There is nothing more i can do but accept it and try to change it. I struggle with this .. its an addiction. Not an obsession. I fight it everyday ..i fight the thoughts, the images. If you have ever seen a drug addict trying to get clean. I have the nervous ticks, the shaking, no ability to concentrate. Sexual addiction .. and i mean a true sexual addiction is the second worst addcition to have. and the second hardest to conquer.
I mentioned before, guys see it in me .. they smell it .. more often than not, i get hit on by the most repulsive lines. example... "well i have a couple of hours till i leave town .. wanna go hook it up?" yea that was a line that i got .. didnt even give me his name .. plain and simple .. i could only laugh as i walked away from him. How do i get picked? Before we get to that .. we have to get to how it started.
When i look at you i wonder what memory you will hold dearest in your heart. I wonder what it will be like for you .. you are like a blank canvas ... waiting for your painting... a song waiting to be written. How romantic right?? ..But that is your life .. not mine.
I have no idea when i lost my virginity, who i lost it too and that is something i will never know. I have accepted that. that is were i come from. I grew up in a very gang controlled neighborhood. Im not trying to compare it to the streets of NY or Chicago .. or even houston or dallas.. but the gangs were there. Crack houses on every street, violence surrounds you. Rape was not something most children know but i was fully aware that we were not safe ......... no female was. My friends were raped and so were their mothers, and their sisters. I was not immune to that. It happened. Which plants a fear that no child should know. sadder note, it didnt begin there. I was already molested by a family member. (understand i dont ask for pity or sadness, i've survived. i knew how. I have already forgiven him and moved on, i hold no grudges, or hate in my heart.) so by the age of 12 .. maybe even 11 i became aware that i need to be protected. Was it crypts or bloods, oddly enough i was protected by both, as long as i gave it up. I had a fear of getting raped again, than fear controlled me. I figured that if i gave it up willingly i would not be raped. I was wrong. I was controlled by both sides. Lucky for me, the head of the neighborhood had his "men" protect me from anyone else who tried to take me. So i only had to deal with 4 guys... yea ... 4. I've looked into the barrel of guns, and even shot in the back ... luckily not fetal it was a pussy gun. But for my protection i was fully sexually active by 13.
by the time i was 16 i was also attacted by some old bastard. luckily my dude came in and got me out before anything happed. (if you ever read my 1st entries this would have been at the church being attacted by the youth group leader) My dude, in brown and proud. another leader. (i could have come out a whole lost worst, but i was not allowed to try drugs because that would effect my looks) and to this day the only drug i do is weed. but that is my doing ..
im not sure how i wasnt killed for being with rival gangs, lucky i guess. at 18 i was allowed out of all that shit. (its pretty crazy that as fucked up as it all was, my education and my health was priority to everyone involved. I was kept from finding out about drugs, and fights, I was kept away from the worst of it all) What started out as fear was now the beginning of an addiction. By that time i was sleeping with 4 guys, every day .. 7 days a week. (again... im not proud.) Just my way of surviving. Would it be odd to say that even then i was faithful to the men in my life. but it was no longer fear controlling my actions .. it was a need ..
then i fell in love, and got raped again... this time from my fiance. funny how things work .. and why? because i was too damn tired to give it up to him, so he took it, pushing the blade of a box cutter into my throat. some fuckers out there only see me as a sex object. how odd right?
I've always been told that once a victim always a victim...i think its more that there is a look in my eyes. The look of need is there .. need turned into what i am now ..
The way that i smile gives it off. i think that there is a stamp on me. at least there was. I dont see myself as a victim by any means .. again i dont want pity .. nor do i try to justify why i am the way i am ... i know what it is .. guys look at me and know .. they see sex .. and that is almost all that they see ..
I fight it everyday .. there is something that goes off in me .. i dont know how to explain it .. but its like a switch and that is when i cant hold back ... i end up hooking it up with someone .. just to get off .. as fucked up as it is .. that is why i have close "buddies" because i am actually fighting off the urge to fuck some noone from some back hole bar ... i dont go into chat rooms, i dont go to clubs, and only bars on game night .. I try to leave as soon as im done, i do fight it.
but for right now it controlls me .. oddly enough .. im not empty .. i have found love .. at 23 i was married to an amazing guy .. things dont work out .. and its fine.. i have been in love a few times.. and its been great... but to tell you the truth.... .. nothing hurts more than a friend that constantly asking for sexual stories, or to hear about kinky things i have done.. or something along that line. ...
i have more to offer this world ....................
so should you wait? i cant say .. i wish i had ... i wish i had that memory .. the one that is suppose to be everything to a person...
Your decision... but if you want to know .. you are the taboo in my life .. i will not taint that .. not the way that i am now ..
now its all laid out ... and i only ask that this is never talked about either .. if you still wanna talk to me .. hahaha
i dont like to dwell on the past ..

Happy Birthday TO ME!!!

2006-08-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

woohoo ... 29 ... set the scene, full moon, harvest moon that looks like a ball of fire.
John, leans over to me... "you better watch out tonight .. that fire is going to get into everyone here". "What?" i ask, He tells me .. "your a leo, your going to be raging tonight .. maybe even roaring with that full moon, and that fire is going to effect everyone tonight .. so just be careful". I laugh .. .i dont believe in that kind of crazyness. but the moon was beautiful.
and as for the party ,.. .. well if anything could have gone wrong.... IT ALL WENT WRONG!
I had invited about 20 to 25 people ... about 20 people showed up
My cousin had headed out there before me to get things ready. Wood for the fire and BBQ. He calls me up around 9 that his radiator blew. but he found my other friends and was just going to wait till the morning to deal with it.
I get there and start the party. Everyone slowly shows and we begin to drink and have a good time. R ... who brought a bottle of yeager for me ... broke it open and chugged it. He was piss drunk by midnight. Decided to go skinny dipping except that noone new he was naked until he stolled back onto the beach and showing his junk to everyone .. Time for him to pass out. which he did in the back of A's truck. Then there were two itty boppers trying to hit up on A who was mine that night. It was clear to everyone that we were coupled off ... he had his arms all around me and mine all around him .. holding hands and kissing .. its was clear that he was off limits. Well every few minutes the bopper would come to him and ask, "wanna come in the water with me ?" A was like "nope, Im good" while he was hugging me and kissing me. so that went on for about an hour every fuckin 5 minutes .. i was like "really? he isnt going with you".
so my friend K finally had enough of it.
She confronts the bopper and her friend .. "really how old are you two?"
green bopper (cause she was wearing green) says 22. Black bopper says 18. K says .. "okay stop lying your not 22 .. and there is no reason that you have to try to impress anyone here"
green bopper, "I am 22 and i am a bartender at spanky's.... i know how to make a screwdriver and ... (some other lame ass drink that no bartender in their right mind would ever claim to know how to make)
we all laugh
so K says, "either way you two really need help figuring out who is available here ... you are hitting up on the wrong guy. It needs to stop" Me and A look at the boppers and smile .. and then make out. In front of them. Its clear that he is mine .. at least that night.
so they walk away and K laughs .. 5 minutes later .. green bopper comes to him, "wanna come get wet with me?" again his arm on my waist, him mouth on mine, and at that time my hand on his stroking him through his jeans. A looks at me .. i look at him, I tell the girl, "really he is good, not going with you .. you need to stop now and go play with the other kids in the water."
she leaves. later in the night .. A makes a statement about smokin it up .. little boppers jump at the chance, "will you share your weed with us? will you share your STUFF with us?"
I jump in, "okay little ones, his STUFF as you put it, is mine, HIS weed is mine, his stuff is mine, get over it"
A laughs and tells them, "yea girls all my stuff is hers. ALL OF IT" .. we stand by his truck... black bopper tries to sit between me and A and well that was just the last straw. "I know you didnt just fuckin come try to get between me and A, you have not shown me any respect, what the fuck. you need to move your little ass out of this spot, walk around and get in YOUR place." she steps back .. "i didnt mean anything by that.." (i am a true believer that all girls are bitches .. no female does anything unless there is a reason, pretending that your dumber than grass is an act to get what the girl wants. Every action those girls made was to get between me and A. Not because they want him, no .... girls dont work that way, but because they want to prove to me that they could get him. and they tried... He didnt go anywhere.)
Me: "okay what ever" then green bopper says, "i think you and A are just having problems and you two need to work it out" (trying to turn the arguement around on me and A.. good move... but not going to work ... that is a desperate girl move)
Me: "what the fuck are you talking about? and where the hell do you get off?"
they are cussing me out as they walk away ... K comes to me and says those bitches are cussing you out .. "cussing me out?? .. no .. they are not here .. they are pussies cussing about me thinking they are all that .. " but i go after them anyways .. because well i was drunk and pissed. and it was kinda funny as well.. I cussed them out for about 15 minutes ..
Okay some background info .. i grew up in a very wetback, gangsta, ghetto, gang controlled neighborhood... went to an all black ghetto, gang controlled school .. no i take that back .. i survived both the neighborhood and the school. in the mist of all this cussing out .. i am now snapping my fingers and cockin my head and truly gettin ghetto on the two bitches,
Never gave them the time to even make a sound much less talk back to me.. and i was standing about 2 inches from green boppers face. Why do i do this? Surely not because i am fightin for A ... he aint going anywhere .. i wouldnt fight for any guy .. but because they are disrespecting me .. and i am not going to have that ... not at my party .. that is my home for the night ..
Oh hell no .. Cussed them out because bitches will learn their lessons in life and i am the teacher. All girls are bitches .. but they will not get the best of me .. I taught them a lesson...(can anyone understand that?)
In the middle of it all i realize that i am now ghetto and want to laugh so hard .(i hold back) . continue cussing them out and telling them off then i snap my fingers, flip my hand, and walk away with a smile on my face .. (not letting them see me) get back to A and he is laughing his ass off because he has never seen me like that .. no one has ever ... NOONE has EVER seen me cuss out anyone .. and especially gettin all ghetto up in their face.
and we all laugh ... but sometime after they left .. A got into a huge thing with my cousins friend and popped 'em. right in the eye .. unfortuantely i was behind A and when he pulled his fist back i got hit in my chest. Not cool .. but at least it made him realize that he was going over board.
so around 3 am i look around to find R is passed out .. A is passed out .. T (K's friend) is puking and Cousin and his friend are passing out in their truck. i am sitting on a chair relaxin and Ton (a friend of A) is rubbing my feet telling me how sexy my feet are... and i laugh ..
so three of us (Ton, D and myself) stay talking through the night .. He tells me, "well the night could have been better you could have had both of us", Talkin about him and D (another friend of ours). "And that would have been better?" i ask .. "that is on the assumption that i want to have sex with you two .. "
he says, "well if you want A then go get him"
Okay A is passed out and at the time, had crawled out of the tent to puke .. "why would i want him right now?" D goes to pass out with A.
"so you wanna get freaky?" he asked.
Me: "really ?? was that your line? was i suppose to fall for that?" i laugh
we end up talking for about an hour .. go for an hour walk and talk some more.
get back to camp and he ask me again, Wanna get freaky?"
I laugh .."no Im good."
He goes to pass out .. i watch the sunrise on my birthday.
It was fun, even through all the drama.

Birthday Bash!!!

2006-08-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

woohoo... well its not today .. but saturday the 12th..
Today is my bro's birthday so we start celebrating tonight and run through sunday. Tonight is drinking at the bar .. tomorrow is a bomb fire at the beach... that should really be intersting. Saturday night dinner, and then a party at my friends. Sunday relax and get ready for monday.
I sent out text invites and accidently sent it to too many of my "buddies"
If more than one or two show up it will make for an intersting night.
Luckily for me its not an official birthday bash so everyone is coming and going as they please .. maybe they will be there in shifts.
If nothing else it will test my skillz as a playa... haha
I'm looking forward to it .. Babydaddy sent me a message that he is going which is odd that i havent spoken to him in about a month now .. and yet he was certain he could make it and wanted to see me .. UMMM...
A - is planning on being there .. and P well hasnt answered me but he may show up without my knowing it. THE STRIPPER hasnt decided, and i wanted to invite waiter boy... but not sure if that would kill my chances with him later.
Oh well .. even if noone shows up im sure to have some fun .. there is always fun to be had out there.
Saturday another friend is throwing a party to celebrate and that should allow us girls to entertain each other.

Today is pretty slow at work .. slow and there is nothing but drama here. I guess things will never change.

the only thing of interst is a dream that i had last night.

babydaddy came to pick me up for the bash at the party, except we were so insistant on "catching up" that we never made it, at least not on time. It started out with a couple of hugs and innocent kisses, then him stripping down for me .... damn even in my dreams his body is totally amazing.
yummmmm...............
so we kiss and then play a bit, but finally decide to make it down to the party .. which is now in a hotel room with a ton of people i dont know .. then i get a call from a friend so me and babydaddy head out to pick him up. on the way over babydaddy pulls over on the side of the road and starts to "play around" again. In the mist of getting busy i look outside the window and realize that we are now a float in the middle of some sort of parade. People are watching us and waving.. screaming and hollerin at us. Of coarse we dont stop ......... we continue till we both are satisfied.
Once we get to the end of the parade we step on the beach ... where everyone is having fun.....
and dancing, drinking, and partying. babydaddy is hugging up on me ...

and then i woke up.

Not too steamy .. but intersting ...

Obsession VS addiction

2006-08-09T14:54:00.000-05:00

and so i sit, at 2 in the morning wondering what the hell happened. The difference between obsession and addiction? Its no longer just a thought of whats to come, planning out the moves, the scene, the dance of it... Its now a game... .searching out your next player, or victim. I am an addict. There is nothing to it. Plain and simple. I AM! And tonight like no other night i wonder what the hell it is about me that screams $50 whore. Or is tonight like every other night? Okay so not to that extent. But there i was in the bar, spot a nice looking 6ft 3 blond hair, pale blue eyes, and i know that if i can just make eye contact, He's mine. We finished off the game, we won 14 to 1.
Normally i would leave after the last round is played, but i was now on the hunt. It became a game. A game I have yet to lose. My prize? His name is Tex. Mild mannered, just minding his own business and has no idea he is about to be played. So i take a seat, two stools down from him. I start up a conversation with his friend. A couple of quirky remarks and they both laugh, and i leave the room. I return a few minutes later and he has come up with something clever, i knew he would take the time to do it. And i play it off as if im not sure what he is talking about. That is part of the game. We laugh and i leave the room again. Took the bait, and now he is hooked. Doesn't even know it yet. I came back to the room, take a seat and let them talk, i over hear a familiar name, "I'm sorry, where do you work?"
He looks at me and tells me ... i smile, "oh forgive me, the name sounded familiar, thought we might work at the same place" He moves closer to me leaving his friend out of our new conversation. "And where is it that you work" he asked me..................
and so we talk. I make comments about the music, and the decorations in the bar. Leaning in because i just cant hear him that well. He takes me in, almost hugging me now. I start to "quiz" him on the songs being played. He doesnt know the group that sings the song on the juke box. He then quizes me .. "Janis Joplin" i say, I'm right and I laugh "what do i win?" "Me" he say's "but only for the next 30 minutes". I grab his hand and clumsily trip over him, "Okay" as if to head out the door and we both laugh. Now he is holding my hand and keeping me from falling. Except its all part of the game. We talk some more, about what he does, hobbies, and just all kinds of bull shit... i say its a little hot .. he agrees. We head outside where we get cozy and take in the air. No more talking just touching each others hands, he hugs me from behind and we begin to whisper softly to each other about the night. Plans for the morning. I say its getting late... he agrees.
I turn to him, "what ... ?" I couldnt hear him, so i would like for him to believe.
except i graze his lips with mine when i turned my head. And bam... we kiss.
He's mine... Havent lost one yet. He had asked if i wanted to go to his place, instead I invited him over to my place, he's game. He's GAME?
no ... just a player in my game. He sits nervously on my couch as i get something to drink. "Are you okay?" "yea" he says, "just a little nervous". "aww.... dont do this much? huh?"
"No" and so i tell him to relax, no pressure no promises. and we talk .. watch a little television. He starts to kiss me and undress me. I can see the bulge building in his jeans. We head towards the bed, and kiss some more. He kisses my neck, my shoulders, my breast, my stomach. He made his way between my legs and licked my pussy till i came. I can tell he liked it. His cock is stiff and ready to fuck my cunt. He starts to kiss my mouth again and his cock enters my pussy. We fucked till he came. His body fell against mine, his breath on my neck, he trembles.
"Good?" i ask. "Oh hell yea!" he said it was amazing. It always is. I never disappoint.
The clencher? He's married. Never once cheated on his wife. Not once. Why tonight? whats so different about tonight? He has no clue. He'll regret this in the morning. He regrets it now.
he says that it was something in my eyes, my smile. He doesnt know ... it was just something that he wanted. He doesnt regret being with me .. just cant believe that he cheated. Married for over 4 years and tonight of all nights. What was so different?
i have that effect of guys. and i laugh. I always have that effect on guys,
so the difference between obsession and addiction. There is a scent, an aura that surrounds me. There is a look of addiction in my eyes. Guys can see it when i walk into a room. They can sense it. All i have to do is pick out which guy i want. and play my game. I have taken guys aways from their wives, girlfriends sitting two inches away from them, can get a gay guy to suck my toes and like it. I can take a straight girl and make her beg for my pussy. Its all about the how i play them. It's my game. my obession? It controls my moves. And for it I control theirs.
Im not proud, that is one reason i sit here rather than asleep in bed. I actually feel bad for him. I played him and for it, he will regret it forever. And that is where it ends. I took him and effected his life for 4 hours of entertainment for me. Granted i did get fucked and came for it. But he will not likely forget this night as i might. I may remember it, chances are i'll forget it, forget his name, forget the way we met, and it will happen all over again within the week, just the player changes................ (if i choose).
Its a game ................ and I have yet to lose.

Okay so i am now a thief.........

2006-08-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

I ripped this off of the blog of Xandrig (advanced ketchup) thought it was cool ..
I added my own little spin to it .. changed a few questions, gave my own answers....
so I'm not a complete rip off ..
but i do give credit where it should be...

tired of all of those stupid surveys made by High School kids?
'Have you ever kissed someone?'
'missed someone?'
'told someone you love them?
''drank alcohol?'
Here are some questions for some people who are a little more mature... ok old folks like us.
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
Electric --- too damn high, especially when im never home to enjoy the AC.
2. What's the best place to eat a romantic dinner?
Republic of Texas, 20th floor of the OMNI hotel, at sunset. Its right on the Bay.
3. Last time you Puked from Drinking?
2004
4. When is the last time you got drunk and danced naked in the street?
2004, and it was a game of adult truth or dare.
5. Name of your Favorite Grade school Teacher?
Mrs. L and now i do her son.... awesome
6. Who do you really want to be doing right now?
Waiterboy
7. As a child What did you want to be when you were growing up?
Oddly enough .. a stripper ... i didnt have many goals in life
7b. and how did that work out?
Well im not a stripper ...
8.How many colleges did you attend before you realized college was not for you?
2... but im still struggling to go.
9. Why did you wear the shirt that you have on right now?
Its clean .... i think ...
10. Gas Prices! First thought?
Yikes .. no more cruizin for dudes late at night for me .. haha .. jk
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you where would you go and who?
Don't know ...
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
Shit... work sucks
13. Last thought before falling asleep last night?
aww... that was good
14. What Errand/Chore do you despise?
cleaning, laundry, shopping .. umm... any errand or chore.. it all sucks
15. If you didn't have to work, what would you do?
travel.... all over the world...
16. Get up early or sleep in?
I would love to sleep in .. but i never get the chance
17. didnt like this question.... and i dont know what happened to 18.
19. A secret that you wouldn't mind everyone knowing?
when i was little i use to steel my brother porn mags...
20. What was your First Car?

1992 corsica ... silver nickname was CORY ... oh the stories he could tell.

21. Your Favorite Lunch Meat?

i dont do lunch meat..

22. What do you get everytime you mix parrrot bay with jello? buzzed
23. Beach Or Lake? either if they are nude
24. Do you think Marriage is an outdated ritual that was invented by people who died at 20? now that i am divorced i believe that it is a ritual invented by people who didnt know any better.
25. Who do you Stalk on myspace? Im too old for myspace.... :(
26. Favorite Guilty Pleasure? hersey' cookies and cream candy ..
27. Favorite Movie you wouldnt want anyone to find out about? Chicago... but i really dont care if anyone knows it...
28. What's your drink? Smirnoff black dresseed, or vodka, citron, or tuaca
29. Cowboys or Indians? Cowboy's then the steelers... actually the texan's even if they do suck.
30. Cops or Robbers? Robber ... cause i like playing the bad girl.
31. Do you cheer for the bad guy? i cheer for the under dog
32. What porn star do you think is the best? jenna and brianna... woohoo..
33. If you had to pick one cast member of the Brady bunch to be your partner in survivor who would you pick? Sam cause he owns a meat cleaver
34. What do you want when you are sick? nyquil, a pillow, and a body massage
35. Who from your past would you like to run into? David, my first love.
36. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now? C101 ... rock .. kinda ...
37. Stiffler or Oz? Oz ... 37b. Lword or queer as folk? Lword 37c. Weeds or Nip/Tuck? Oohhh tough one ...Nip/Tuck
38. Norm or Cliff? Sam ....
39. The Cosby Show or the Simpsons? Simpsons
40. Worst Relationship Mistake that you wish you could take back? Gabe when i was 18 ... yuk .. still makes me sick thinking about it
41. didnt like this question
42. If you could get away with it who would you do?
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher not for its intended purpose? Nope .. but would like to
44. Do you have a teddy bear? No but i have a diving dolphin... ;)
45. Strangest Place you have ever brushed your teeth? beach .. but i guess it wasnt that odd
46. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go? Hollywood...
47. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or relationship? either would be worth it .. probably a relationship more though...

IHOP

2006-08-07T10:27:00.000-05:00

who would have thought it be a great place to meet a guy. Okay so he was my server, but i've been in complete lust with him since the moment I first saw him. He is about 5 ft 10 maybe 160 - 170 lbs, maybe even less. ( i like them thin) Deep dark brown eyes, and a shaved head. I knew he was younger than me, i was guessing around 22 or 23. While taking our order, he made a comment about my how beautiful my hair is. ( i get that alot) and so we smiled and flirted a little. It made my night. ('aww.... i lust him' I inform my friends)
"we know... just ask for his number already" G would say
"I can't, its not the right time"
and so the night progressed slowly, we chatted about all kinds of shit, homophobes and the dislikes of PDA when it involves 2 men. and complete joyous celebration when PDA is exchanged between 2 women. Then his shift was over and he came to say goodbye, I asked him to sit a minute and chat. "Old friends need time to catch up" I joked, and he laughed. he sat next to me. My friends both smile at me and i was a teeny bopper with a crush again.
"the conversation is on forensic science, do you have an opinion on it?"
He seemed a little thrown by our topic, but told us his views. Then we talked about hobbies, he is a surfer and a musician. Trying to figure out what to do with his life. Damn he must have a toned sexy body, with talented fingers.
So i asked how old he was, 20. what? 20... i was crushed.
He asked how old i was, "Older" i replied. He smiled, "what 23 or 24?" awww... my heart melted.
then he won me over, "it doesnt matter, i like older women," and that was it.
I am turning 29 in about 5 days. is that too old?
He'll be 21 in 21 days, well at least he will be able to buy my drinks soon if we were to go out. So we talked, then he said he had to go. A few minutes later me and my cousin leave as well. I step out side and he is still in his car. he gets out and comes over to me, we talk a couple of minutes more. Then we say our goodbyes, he asked for a hug. aww... so innocent. so i hug him. I ask him to walk me to my car, he starts to walk me. "wait .. let me have a reign check," and he smiles. "im sorry, i really have to go, i'm already late and i dont want to rush this... so reign check.. is that okay?" I say "okay"
Im not really sure why .. but i didnt question it. He hugged me again.
So it got me thinking. I was 21 when i met my husband, he was about to turn 29. Age meant nothing to me then, why does it mean anything to me now. Now that i am the one that is 8 years older. Before him I dated a guy 13 years older than me, and my ex was ten years older. A friend of mine is 29, and interested in 18 and 19 year olds. I keep giving him shit about it.
Does age really mean anything in todays society? I think if you are close to thirty, your date should at least me old enough to drink. I was hoping that if i would date a younger guy he would be at least 24 or older.
babydaddy was 23 and even that was too young for me. But i am honestly thinking about waiting till waiter turns 21 and see what happens. He could always fill me up with vodka in hopes i forget about the issue of age.

We Won! We Won!

2006-08-04T10:00:00.000-05:00

I walked into the bar and there he was. We've known each other for about a year, fucking around for almost as long, but its been months since we've seen each other. I glance his way and he cocks his head in acknowledgment. I smile and turn to to search out my team. And so it began, a night of high school flirting and sillyness. I glance over to his team, he blows me a kiss. I roll my eyes, and stick out my tongue. I took on the role of a silly school-girl that don't like boys. We teased each other through out the night. I won my solo game. My name echoed in the bar as my team cheered me on, he smiled when i looked towards him. It is always said that confidence is sexy. I believe it gives me confindence knowing I am sexy. Even when i walked in the door, i was greeted by other players, offering to buy my drinks. I was dressed in a simple pair of tight capri jeans, a low cut, black midriff shirt that showed skin every time I got up to throw and a pair of strappy sandles. Simple, but sexy.
He made his way to the bar, stopping at my table giving me an appropriate hello. At 6ft 5 he completely engulfs me as he hugs me from behind, his arms around my shoulders and chest he kisses my neck. The warmth of his breath on me sends chills through my body. He likes to make it clear to everyone around that he is fully aware of my weak spots. He held me a little to long as we talked, my team mates sending accusing glances towards me. He is not a favorite in my team, but i have had nothing but good times with him. Towards the end of the night he comes to hug me again, this time around my waist, and and whispers in my ear. "Are you waiting for me tonight?"
My answer was a simple smile. He took it as a yes.
We won the night 11 to 4. I won all my games. YIPPIE.
When we got to my apartment, i was impressed that he noticed the difference. "wow, a new t.v., and you got some art in the dining room. Thats cool, where did you get it?"
"you noticed? I got it at an exhibit, Exotica 2006" and we talked about art, books, movies, and then he asked, "Why are you still dressed?"
"because you are still dressed." He gets up to fix the problem, i quickly turned the television to a music on demand channel. He knew what i wanted. (oddly enough the song was a love balled, played in 4/4 time) Being a stripper in his younger years, its fun to watch him re-live the memories. I have never been into watching dancers strip when you couldnt sleep with them, but when you know you'll get 'em in the end, its a nice treat. 6ft 5 inches, muscles completely toned and only a hint of a beer belly starting to form, (i find that sexy on him) he moves with such ease and tenderness. Every part of his body seems to be an inch to long for perfection, but with his long and lean body its perfect. his eyes a pale shade of blue, watches me as i watch him. He pulls me off the couch and again his arms surround me as we embrace, and with a kiss i begin to lead him into the bedroom. Between kisses he mentioned how well i played and that i should be rewarded. I lay back on the matress and he kisses his way south. I think im going to like this reward. His tongue and his hands are talented beyond explanation, i came three times before he allowed me to catch my breath. Then we fucked, till we came together. Damn.
We layed in bed talking for a while, exchanging stories of the last few weeks. I try to keep it light. The arrangement was to be kept simple, only our names had been exchanged, oh and of coarse the team we play on. that was it. No personal information. I dont need the strings. he saw a picture on my wall and talked about it and the pronounciation of my last name. (my name was written across a rose, surrounded by hearts) he repeated it till he got it right, almost as if making a mental note. I decided it was time for him to leave, and we said our goodbyes. Mine was said by sucking him off then leading him to the door, his was said by fingering me to orgasm at the door. He kissed me goodbye. A nice way to end the night.

going MIA

2006-08-03T15:50:00.000-05:00

And so it had been 2 weeks since I last heard from him. He lost his job, phone got shut off, and no-one new if he was able to keep his apartment. I spoke to him for 10 minutes and was given "i dont know" to every question I had. People don't just get fired for no reason. Did i believe him? No, so i called up a friend of mine. If he had been fired, there was a story, and if there was a story, people would be talking. If people were talking then i should find out the truth of his dismissal. Two days later i get called back... no story. No Story? How could that be? If he got fired... There has to be a reason. So I was told, "well thats the odd part, no-one knew he got fired or that he wasnt working here anymore."
Okay so now im worried. So was she. We both tried calling, emailing, and searching him out, but without knowing where he lives it was useless. No response. So Saturday i expressed my concerns with a cousin. "well have you gone to his apartment?"
"apartment? why no i havent .. why would i do that?" i say sarcastically. "actually I dont know where he lives"
"ooohhh i do .. i gave him a ride once," she says, "Let's go!"
and soon we were on a mission.
Then i felt retarded .. apparently he moved only a building down from his last apartment. If i knew it was going to be that easy, i would have slapped myself.
I reached the stairs and overwhelmed by the smell of rotting food. I look at her, "okay, lets think about this... what are we going to find if noone has heard from him in two weeks?"
She looks and me and simply demands, "knock!!"
and so i knock... once .. twice .... and third time is a charm .. i am greeted with an unshaven face, a body sloppily covered in scrubs, dirt all over. He doesnt even say hi. He turns to find his computer that he has been staring into for the last two weeks. World War games, that is all that occupies his head. I follow, "damn this place is stank!!" "what the hell is going on??"
I almost puke. I follow into his computer room, i find he has been living there for 6 weeks, not one box emptied. Dirty clothes cover the floor. Empty pizza boxes, food bags, and soda cans pile in corners. Mold!!! eewww... i smile at him. I cross over the left over food and find a place to sit on his ab lounger. He never looked at me. "so kid, whats up?" his usual reply, "I dont know"
so i sat for about 10 minutes, thats all i could take. I tell him as i am leaving. "in two hours im coming back, you better be showered and dressed, off the computer or i am pulling cords out of that stupid thing." and i smile at him. He doesnt look at me. I stand there staring at him. "say you understand!!" he stares at the screen. after 5 minutes of nagging he finally says he understands. My cousin already out the door, she couldnt take it.
Two hours later and he was still in his dirty scrubs, computer still beeping in the back ground. HE let me in and went to the kitchen. umm... interesting move... i tell him to go take a shower and get dressed. he moves like a kid who is being punished. The place smelled of rotted fish. I open the fridge.,.. oohh .. bad move. my eyes sting from the fumes. I start to empty crap ito bags, and then pick up empty pizza boxes. OMG... i cant take it. He comes out of the shower. "Go brush your teeth!" he stares at me a moment, turns and does what he is told. There is nothing in his eyes. he is lost. No where to go.
We talk for about 30 minutes about nothing. He wont talk about his lack of a job, or what happened. So i ramble on about my pathetic life. oh well .. it gets him off that damn computer. I agree to leave, i dont want to be too demanding. We agree to meet for breakfast. "be ready by 9" i tell him. "just come in if i dont answer, i'll be in bed" he says. the look in his eyes scared me. I wondered to myself, what will i find?
I went out to drink, i tried to forget that smell, that look in his eyes, and all the murder mysteries i've read in the last few weeks. I didnt want to think about how i would find his body in the morning.
At nine i decided i wasnt ready. I left my house at 10, and then parannoia set in, what if he expected me to find him at nine and in the hour i waited was an hour too long. I have to start reading comedies i decide. AI laughed at the stupidity.
I got to his place, no answer. damn. I knock again. and again. i turn the knob. its quiet inside. i look into his room. Just a bundle of covers. Nothing moving. i call his name, nothing. again and again nothing. i hit what i assume to be his leg. Nothing. again and he doesnt move. i start to uncover the body, his body. Nothing.
OMG... i start to panic. he doesnt seem to be breathing. what do i do. again and again..i shake his body, call his name. he moans. YIPPIE hes not dead.
and then he passes out again. damn.
i remember the bottle of pain killers we joke about selling the night before. i go to find it. Its not there. SHIT!! i look around his apartment ...
there was at least 25 of them in the bottle. he wouldnt have taken them .. he wouldnt do that...
i hear him moan again. i go and shake him again... this time he moves... angrily i say .. "SHOWER!!" i can breathe again.
wheeewwww... the bottle is on the floor of the kitchen .. full ..

Advice columnist???

2006-07-27T14:48:00.001-05:00

"Dear Mekayla, I am seeking your advice on my current situation with my ex-husband current boyfriend. I know that you are the most honest person i know and will tell me what i should do." and so the phone call began.
"Okay tell me whats up"
she continued, "Ubbergeek went out to get a drink with a girlfriend of a friend of his and didnt tell me about it."
Me: "did he lie about going to get a drink with her?"
Her: "yes"
Me: "How did you find out about it?"
Her: "I caught them when he returned to work"
Me: "what did he tell you?"
Her: "that a friend of his asked if he wanted to go have a drink with his chic cause she was parked outside and he couldnt get away from work to take her himself, and since he was on a break he went ahead and went"
Me: "what did you say?"
Her: "that he should be trying harder if he wants things to work out between us, and he needed to stop lying"
Me: "what was the lie?"
Her: "what?"
"what was the lie?"
Her: "umm... well he didnt call me to tell me what he was doing on his break"
Me: "okay .. shut up .. stop.. listen to yourself. he didnt lie to you .. he just didnt check in with you, which is a little obsessive on your part to expect him to. He was working, just because he went to have a drink on his break doesnt mean he has to call you. Second your freaking out.. if he would have called you, there is no way in hell that you would have just said .. 'Oh okay .. have fun' .. NO .. you would have tracked his ass down and found out where he was and who he was with and caused a scene. Third, your obsession is brought on by you dating your ex-husband who cheated on you and left your for someone from work. (remember the divorce?) You chose this and for it you will never be okay with any female that he works with, why because you dont trust him and you know it. But please dont accuse him of lying when he didnt lie. You just expect more from him than he is capable of giving. He is a cheating bastard who doesnt really care what his action will put you through ................ and you cannot expect more than that from him. Fourth, you parked outside his job waiting for him to return from his break so you could know exactly what he was doing and who he was with because you dont trust him enough to tell you when he gets out. Dont tell me its because you were worried, its because your obsessive. (That in itself shows that this is not healthy for either of you and may need some professional help.)
Know that you cannot change him because you think he should work harder, try harder, or give up more of himself for you. Thats not who he is. So either accept him for what he is, or leave his ass and get on with your own life. You've gotten over him once, the second time wont be as hard."
(was that harsh?)
i think i need my own advice column.
oh well .. anyone need help??

For stu....

2006-07-25T20:07:00.000-05:00

**wink wink**
There was no beginning for this excursion. I got home from work late and was tired. We went to bed after only a few minutes of catching up. He had just gotten home from kayaking and was worn out. Within minutes we were both fast asleep. I awoke mid-orgasm and couldnt tell you how it began. But I could feel his breath on my neck as he had entered me from behind. My vaginal walls were already pulsing around his cock as my orgasm grew. I came as he fucked me and then i turned to face him. He re-entered me and started fucking me slowly as i caught my breath. He was still half asleep as well.
He looked into my eyes and smiled, "i must have been dreaming of that great cunt of yours"
i returned the smile and closed my eyes. His mouth and tongue slowly found the way to my pussy and he began to lick my clit. His movements were slow and almost putting me back to sleep. He continued to please me till i came again and then his cock found its way inside of me again. Still keeping is movements slow he began to fuck my now dripping wet pussy. We were both in and out of our sleep state as we fucked. It was amazing. We found ourselves both waking up in the middle of a simultaneous orgasm. As i caught my breath i fell asleep again, with his dick still inside me. It was almost morning by then but it didnt seem to matter. I slept. I can only assume that he fell asleep as well. a couple of hours later we awoke again. He was still inside me and i could feel that he was hard. He started to fuck my cunt again, this time full force. He pounded away at my cunt until we came again.
It was a great night and an amazing morning.

Psychotic breakdowns ..

2006-07-25T19:55:00.000-05:00

all around .. one for everyone i work with.

So at the beginning of the month i took a trip to dallas spent about 5 days there .. came back to work to find out that there was a break down while i was gone.
Whheeww... im glad i wasnt around, as fun as it may have been to watch. I didnt interfere with the details because .. well .. because it didnt concern me and i just didnt care that much .
I worked a 12 hour this past weekend and received a phone call.
"so we still going to trade shifts?"
i reply .. "oh im sorry but i actually dont see myself staying around very much longer and it will look bad if i were to change shifts now."
"is it because of the law suit?"
Me: "what?? lawsuit? what is that about?"
so she fills me in .. apparently that weekend i was away was more than just a break down.
There are now lawyers involved and suits and all kinds of crazyness.
I listen to the details and realize that she (the one telling me the story) seems to be a little paranoid about the people around us. and by the details given to me it seems that there is enough crazyness to drive anyone insane if they work here long enough. umm... i think i was right to start looking for a new job.
After i hang up i look at the security guard and he starts to fill me in on more details about the incident...
im pretty shocked that i hadnt heard about any of it ..
but im also glad ..
i dont want to have anything to do with it.

Tomorrow i have another interview .. **fingers crossed** ill be outta here soon.

woohoo.

"Tell me your dreams"

2006-07-22T21:28:00.000-05:00

I read that book a few weeks ago. Its about a schizophrenic that is suffering with 3 other personalities. Weird .. but today i almost feel like i am going crazy. Nothing is disappearing, no one coming up dead .. but my passwords to my email accounts have been changed again. I dont know how to go about it. I have already emailed the customer reps at yahoo but with no response. I dont know much about computers so i dont know if its just the cookies not being allowed .. or what. But its starting to piss me off. The new account i just created is changed. My old business account is changed and i cant get important mail............

got our ass beat !!!

2006-07-20T23:32:00.000-05:00

and it sucks ... game night again today and the second game of the season. We lost --- BAD! 11 to 4 .. and damn that really sucks. Last season we were 1st place... we moved up a division and now we are getting spanked.
~-~-~-~
I have been a victim of email and messenger identity theft. Is there such a thing? and whats worse is that two accounts have been fooled with. Who could possibly want to do something like that? I thought it was just in my head .. nope i was wrong. The first account was my yahoo mekayla812 account. Someone changed the password .. then changed all the personal information on the account so i am unable to reclaim it. Then a friend of mine calls me up wondering why i was ignoring her on my other account. Ignoring her? i wasnt even signed on. but apparently i was. Another friend accused me of cussing her out. What is going on....
dang it. so tonight i try to log on and damn got kicked off cause apparently i was already logged in on a different computer. So the warning told me. i finally got on and went into my account apparently someone has found out the password to this account as well and tried to change some of the personal information. Now who could it be?
My only mistake? logging on at work. I never thought about it. If i had accidently punch to remember this password then someone behind me could have logged on and changed the password and then the info ... right? well who is that desperate to get into my life and fuck with me.. i mean really?? its only yahoo. Not that i didnt lose a couple of friends from the change but it didnt really effect the main pathway of my life.
The loss of messenger friends is a major loss and only because i never thought to write the screen names down, i figured i could always count on my messenger to be there. and since i didnt i dont know how to get a hold of a few cuties that i was chatting with and planning on getting away with.
so i create another account and hope that nothing else happens.
I dont get who is that crazy .. but i know exactly who it is .. or at least who i would think is that crazy. The one responsible for putting poop on A's car.. the one responsible for accusing me of doing coke. The one responsible for tonights migraine .. and it really sucks.

Oh well .. what more is she going to do??
i can now be reached at cmekayla812 either email or messenger on yahoo ...
Aside from that ..
~-~-~-~
i am starting to hate the single life... okay not really .. i really really like it .. but its nights like tonight and every thursday that suck. I am the only single girl on the team .. everyone else is couple off to each other and the guy who is not always has his annoying girlfriend following right behind him. Okay first off im not jealous .. she really is annoying. and at least 12 years younger than him and 10 years younger than me .... her voice irritates me .. her behavior disgust me .. its just not right .. okay maybe putting up with her had a little to do with my migraine.
she has a high pitch whinny baby girl voice that just shrieks.
She is very pouty and that type of behavior just sickens me. Constantly talking about her tits and sex and fondling her dude in front of everyone ... okay .. i have done some shit in my day .. but i have never forced people to be witness to it. She rubs him in front of who ever happens to be there .. she talks about what ever happens to pop into her head. i normally wouldnt even care except that we are playing a competitive sport.......... "Ummm hello??? hi .. yea we need for him to concentrate a little here and the hard on you just gave him is distracting him a little. He is off his game." "Jack him off when we are done ... please the games only last 4 hours ... max. "
I dont know how guys can put up with the whinney voioce .. constantly shrieking.....
oh well ..
not my life .. im glad its only 4 hours a week that i have to listen to it.
Now im off to bed ..

OPERATOR RANT!!

2006-07-16T10:02:00.000-05:00

I've been an communications operator for about 5 years now. Its an easy job, most of the time, but on occassion it is very VERY frustrating. And for some odd reason we get callers that are, well simply dumbasses. I get cussed out at least once a day, sometimes up to once an hour.... No biggie --i can handle that. We get blamed for everything, again no biggie. We get dumb question, stupid parents, and pure ignorant callers. NO BIGGIE. Its the time that we get bully callers (at least the wanna be bully callers). And ignorant bully callers are the ones that really tick me off.
Eample:
Her: "patch me to dr. so and so's cell phone."
Me: "Im sorry but that office is out for lunch, if you need to reach him, his staff will return at 1:30"
Her: "Did i ask you for information? I said patch me to Dr. S.A.S cell phone, so just do it"
Me: "Mamm, im sorry we dont patch callers to the cell phone, but may i ask who is calling?"
Her: "Some dumb ass name"
Me: " some dumb ass name from where?"
Her: "why are you a private inverstigator?" (i laughed to myself)
Me: "im sorry??"
Her: "Look, just patch me to his cell phone right now you stupid little cockroach"
Me: (and only bacause i have been blessed with patience) "i'm sorry .. but we are not allowed to patch callers to any cell phone, if you need to reach him, the office will return at 1:30"
Her: "are you going to patch me to the cell phone or not you stupid bitch?"
Me: "Im sorry , we are not allowed to patch callers to the cell phone"
Her: "fine .. well then fuck you!"
and then she had the nerve to hang up on me.. now thats just rude.
i have been called a bitch , a slut, a cunt, a whore, and many other things.... but cockroach .. thats just too much.
I'm an operator, i deal with about 200 callers per hour. Not because i am harrassing people who havent paid their bill, or to inform them that we have a special on microwave ovens. I deal with that many people because i care about our patients ..
or some shit like that.
I do enjoy my job, i would have to, ive done it for so long. Stop being rude to the hospital operator. Its not going to help you. I assume you are calling because your child is sick, or because your neice, nephew, neighbors across the street has a neice who knew a girl who went to school with a boy who was related to the kid who got hit by a drunk driver. I wasnt the drunk driver, dont yell at me as if i am the reason your child or any child is ill. Just dont. Im here to help.
Things to know before you call me..
1. the name of the person you are looking for. Describing a doctor as "the one with brown hair..." doesnt help me to help you.
2. the name of the patient you are looking for. Its a childrens hospital we have more than one baby boy here.
3. The type of doctor you are looking for. "umm.. he deals with the childrens... you know the one... " sweetie .. they ALL deal with the childrens .. its a childrens hospital!!!!
oh and there are so many nore things you should know .. but im done ranting ..
oh except for this one call... i just got. (kinda made me laugh)
Him: "what is the name of your hospital?"
Me: "LADADAD DADA >> hospital "
Him: "is that the childrens hospital right by some other local hospital"
"yes"
"and what street are you on?
"ladadad lane"
"and how do i get there?"
"where you at?"
"umm.... i dont know."
"okay sir .. i need to know a starting point so i can give directions."
"umm... well i think its... the street that happens to run the entire length of our city .. "
"okay .. and what part of street that happens to run the entire length of our city are you at?"
"umm... well there is a mcdonalds, circle K, walgreens, ... and "
"okay sir, your near us" one of the many talents an operator just might have, knowing the city by its landmarks.
Me: "just make a right on almost here street, and another left of ladadad st, we will be on the left a few blocks down"
Him: "what will be on the left?"
Me: "the hospital sir"
Him: "hospital, and what is the name of the hopsital?"
"LADADAD LADDAD hospital?"
"oh .. thats the one right by another local hospital, right."
(its going to be a long one... )
"yes sir."
"oh okay .. and how do i get there."

camel toe

2006-07-12T17:39:00.000-05:00

Why is it that girls think that camel toe is sexy and appropriate ... anywhere?
I can see maybe a stripper, at work. But at work at a childrens hospital?
Its just not appropriate. So I see a girl walking by with a major case of camel toe. Walked back in laughing to myself which caused questioning from my co-workers. So i had to pass off the info and that turned into a major discussion. Camel Toe or no camel toe??
is it sexy? is it appropraite?

what is the major turn on?

my weekend...

2006-07-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

Pt one: Life

On Saturday, we baptised my nephew. Three months old and now a part of the catholic church and has been welcomed with open arms into God's family. It was a great celebration. Lots of family to witness this event and then of coarse dinner to follow. I enjoy these times because I always get a chance to catch up with cousins and uncles, aunts and friends. Talk about life. How great it is, how wonderful it will be and how blessed we all are. Its just that way.
Baptism, like a birth has such a positive effect on everyone around us. Smiles all around.

Pt Two: Death

Sunday morning I got a call, a friend of mine that I have known for about 15 years passed away this weekend. He was HIV positive and was full blown for a few months. He also was infected with writhering desease. Suffered for 2 months an undescribable pain. as sad as it was for me, I couldn't imagine the slap of reality it had on a couple of my other friends. Both living positive. One was at work, the other I met up with at mass. They were not close to him at all. But the situation hits way to close to home. Jr couldnt be alone. He was left trying to reason with, well trying to reason with death.

He repeatedly said, "It didnt have to happen, maybe he didnt take the medicines, maybe he gave up. there are so many medicines out there .. its not a death sentence anymore."

I stayed with him, holding his hand. there are no words to say, we all know the reality of it. It is a death sentence, medicines and technology simply allow time for repeated denied appeals.

I took him to lunch, we talked, he cried. He couldnt be alone. We went to play pool. We talked and laughed and tried to forget life.

after i took him home i went back to church then to visit my dad.

Pt three: everything in between

So last night after talking to a friend of mine in Florida, i was given a warning. "Do not walk in the rain if even the slightest chance of storms, might get electricuted. Do not try new things, and do not assume all is safe with you."

Why the warning? In the last week or two, my luck has not been great. I dont believe in luck. I believe in Life. But lately it seems the sun is struggling to shine upon my life.

Dont take me wrong, i find it all pretty funny. cable got shut off, check was lost in the mail. No big deal. Electric got shut off, even though i paid the bill. My television almost blew up. I lost my debit card, and then lost the last of the cash i had on me. A friend of mine passed away and i have just found out that my dad is not well. Actually he hasnt been well for a while, but in the last week he has not been able to go through his dialysis because of low blood pressure which is causing alot of pressure on his body. His legs are completely numb which could lead to amputation if his circulation does not get better. And i dont even know what to say to him except to be strong and pray that God will get him though it all. Another friend of mine is falling into a depression and keeps asking for my help. I say laugh. A younger friend of mine is going through a break up with his partner, he wants my advise. Should he take back a cheating ex? I laugh. I know i wouldnt. My cousin is now entering a physcho jealous mode with her ex husband who is now wanting to get back with her but only after he got dumped by the girl he dumped his wife for. What should she do?? Laugh... all you can ever do is laugh. laugh at the craziness we put ourselves though. laugh at the fact that eveyone ask for my opinion when i am here single and wouldnt put up with anyones shit.

LAUGH!! thats all i can do when something so trivial occurs and everyone becomes blinded from the bigger issues. So my florida friend makes jokes and we laugh. Talk for an hour and my life is sunny again.

Dell support sucks ..

2006-07-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

no seriously it truly sucks .. i didnt believe that it did before cause i always got through within a few minutes .. i have been on hold for 30 minutes, transfered 5 times and i still cant get a stupid tech to help ... apparently they dont know what department can help me...
I hate dell support.!!!!!!! i only have a cell phone and i believe that my battery will die at the exact minute that someone will get on the line to help me.
Damn it sucks.

Oh well .. on to better things
Long distance relationships. Do they work? P is now hinting that he would like to move our relationship to the next level. Yea, ummm ...... he travels out of town for 3 weeks at a time .. and only sees me maybe one day while he is here. I truly enjoy that one day .. but i have never thought about moving things forward. Then there is a girl who is married to a man who wants to take a job that will take him out of town for 11 weeks at a time. So would either of these relationships work? When i asked a friend of mine, she is straight up against long distance relationships. Dont believe that anyone can be faithful when the partner is gone.
I disagree.... i believe that if a couple would like to make things work ... then it works. Its alot of work and very hard, but it is possible to make it through the tough times.
But that is just me. Who knows. ... i really dont think i am going to take things further with P so i wont be able to test out my theory.

The weekend was great .. went out clubbing on Saturday to a place called Buddies. Yup a gay club. That night it just happened to be mostly transexuals that are in desperate need of make up tips and hair tips. But there was a few hotties that made it all worth it. I get stuck getting hit on by a couple of swingers and a gay couple looking for a third. No thanks i nicely told the swinger couples.... and to the gay couple i simply could not talk to. The chic was trying so hard to be sexy... it wasnt working .. she was not cute at all. Her partner was a bull dyke. and that was not sexy either. I drank, and drank, and well drank some more. Still not sexy
Luckily they got tired of trying to dance with me and left.
The rest of the weekend went well.

Its now been an hour and the dumb support tech still hasnt answered my call .. damn i hate them

well kiddos

2006-06-29T17:59:00.000-05:00

Its time to celebrate .. Fourth of July weekend marks a year since i've been single. Okay so i havent eactly been lonely but i have yet to give away the title of boyfriend or girlfriend.
So im off to celebrate. Going to be gone till tuesday ...

A to Z of freaky fettishes.....

2006-06-29T12:37:00.000-05:00

okay some may not be so freaky or even a fettish for that matter ... and in fact it may be more of a check list or wish list ....but on with the show.
Anonymous- check .. i like not knowing his name or him knowing mine
Anime-as in anime porn ...check
Anal-heehee hee ..wouldnt you like to know
Bondage-(including blindfold)- check, wish for more
Beach sex- check
Costumes- Nope- thats one for the wish list
Dominatrics-check --was sub would like to be dom for the right slave **wink wink**
Emergency vehicles-- oohhh to get fucked in an ambulance .. that would be cool.
Foot fettishes- check ... love a guy with a foot fettish
Group sex- check
H --- H H H .. cant think of anything for H
Interracial-check .. though i have yet to meet a greek guy
Jocks- check
Jail sex- wish- is it wrong to wanna have prision sex?? But not real prison chics but like porn video prison chics. I would love to break the law with Brianna or Jenna
Kinky sex- check...but what really qualifies as kinky now a days
Lesbein- check
Limo sex - wish
Midgets - pass however i would love to see midgit stripping
Nude beach - check
Nude tag - check
Nude painting --- wish .. i need an artist that can use my body as a canvas
Oral - check
Orgy - check
Public sex - check
Phone sex - check
Peeing - i actually just got asked to pee for a guy. he wants to watch me. Now i have pissed in public and have even been watched .. but to know that a guy is getting off to it might take a minute to think about.
Q: cant think of a Q but here is another P - Probing. As in anal probing the dude. I was also asked to take a guy from behind while strapped on. I thought too long about it and he found someone else.
Rough sex- check
Rubber suits - (liquid latex) - wish -- that would be fun
Swingers club - check
Toys - check
Threesomes - check
U: (is there anything for U)
Voyerism- check .. i love it
W
X
Y
Z
ummm... i think we need to come up with some more fettishes and freaky shit.

So how did it come about???

2006-06-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

I got home from work to find my electricity had been shut off. I paid my bill. Well what i thought was my bill. Apparently i was 70 bucks short. And they shut me off. Damn those people at CP&L ..... self rightous service people ...
Oh it wasnt that dramatic .. i made the payment and was told it would take 24 hours to get turned back on. So i called A up...
"hey guess what? my fuckin electric got shut off!"
Him: "what? really??"
Me: "yea ..it sucks"
Him: "i'll be over in a bit"
I had laundry to do. I found some batteries and got a radio working .. and took a load to be washed. I laid around. By the time my clothes had dried A called back, "still no electric?"
Me: " nope"
him: "you stayin there tonight?"
Me: "yup, thats the plan"
Him: "you hungry? im on my way"
Me: "Nope, not really and okay be careful"
When he arrived i hadnt told him that i had already made the payment. Didnt feel i needed to. But then he took the situation into his own hands and i just hadnt the heart. I felt that he seemed to find the oppurtunity to play hero .. and i didnt want to take that from him.
Him: "so how much do you need to get it going? couple of hundred bucks?"
Me: "no... i was just 70 bucks short" (and i laugh)
Him: "okay done... what about rent? is it due yet?"
Me: "Next week... im fine with rent."
Him: "and cable? gas? water? do you need money to pay those?"
Me: "nope .. all taken care of... " (i couldnt help but smile .. he was so cute taking charge like that)
so then we sat and talked .. laughed and joked. It was a great night.
Then came time for bed .. we both took a cold shower to cool off our skin. My windows were open and for the first time i became aware of the street noise and lights that come through at night. It was nice. We talked a few moments longer and he reached over to hug me. We kissed. It wasnt long before he found his way between my legs. Licking and stroking me. I felt my skin begin to heat up. We rolled over each other .. i am now staddling his face and taking his rod into my mouth. The sweat begins to build on our skin. There is a light breeze blowing into the room. I shiver as it hits my skin. After my first orgasm i climb between his legs and continue to suck him off. i also begin to play with his balls. A is a simple man when it comes to sex .. we dont experiment too often .. but tonight .. i thought i would at least try. I let a finger find its way between his ass and to his hole. I apply a bit of pressure and he moans. after some time i can feel his cock getting harder in my mouth. I start to climb over him and tell him to fuck me... he stops me .. and tells me not to stop sucking him. He then says, "dont quit on what could be the best blow job i ever had"
i think to myself .. Could be?? is this a challenge?? so i resume my position.. and take him into my mouth again. i begin to search out his ass again. When i find it i apply more pressure and let my finger start to slip in. He moans. His hips are now starting to buck as he fucks my mouth .. i can feel his cock gettting ready to cum. i slide my mouth off his and swirl my tongue around the tip ...........he is ready .. I pinch the end of his dick and he twitches. "i need to cum"
i say, "not before you fuck me"
he pushes me onto the bed and onto my knees. He enters me and starts to fuck me hard. I can feel him starting to cum.. I love that feeling. It always makes me cum too. we are completely soaked with sweat and now sticking to the sheets. we head to the shower to rinse off .. this time together. Once the water cooled our skin we were ready to heat up again. he took me from behind and the water running down my body while he fucked me was amazing. I came.
Then off to bed. He woke up before i did... when i found my way to the living room i was given a debit card and a piece of paper with a pin number. He said, "take what you need and get it all paid off..."
awww... to be a kept woman ..
i took 80 bucks .. i didnt want to crush the dream of him being my hero ..
Ill give it back on Monday .. enough time for him to feel as if he really did help me out in my hour of need.
Is that wrong???

And They're Off ....

2006-06-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

A taking the lead with a smart thinking call to my boss the night i was way to drunk and wouldnt make it to work at 7 am. Saving my job. Oh good move.
Ex-V still struttin along hanging in, but three legged and blind .. he soon dropped off the track. (heehee) P finds his way into the race. Slow start but a crowd favorite being 6 ft tall with blue eyes. Slow at take off but capable of keeping up with the race. L jumps in and quickly gains on A. P is no longer a prospect. Oohh .. tough call for the judges. Only the Top 2 can make the finals. L now taking the lead. Blue-eyed blond with a steady job and good income willing the support the judge. And the crowd goes wild. A moves aside, steadys his moves. Uh-oh and L takes a fall. He's hurt and out of the race .. Damn what a loss. A is back on top. Now a few flash in the pan cuties take the track. Mo-Money, the red headed cutie that rides spinners, rides spinners... just doesnt have what it takes to ride in this race. Little man M just cant get it right. Too much luggage is pulling him back. Ohh and he is out. Virgin S accidently found his way onto the track due to a drunken night and now eagerly waits at the side lines. Sorry Virgin S .. no training wheels in this race. Hot trottin Danger comes from behind and whats this .. he brings along a Mare to bribe the judges ... great move .. but cant stick for the long run. oh ... what a loss .. wish we could keep the mare. L making an occasional appearence just doesnt have the talent anymore. Making room for No Bulls, casually coming onto the track .. he is another crowd favorite. 6ft 4 and look at the talent in those hands. Whew... gonna take a moment for the judge to pass this up. Another one that cant stick.
Oh and the race seems to be coming to an end. A still in the lead .. casually keeping his cool and taking his time making rounds. Baby-daddy making an appearence and has caught the attention of the judge. He even has a couple of pony's riding along with him. Tough call on that move.... He is pleasing the crowd with his attentiveness, eagerness, and sensitive attitude. But wait .. oh no .. and he is off the track .........whats this .. in the back ground .. oh and its P making his way through the track .. (wow and judge didnt even know he was still in the race.)
And he is gaining on A ... sincere and loving .. P is now trying to take the lead.
They are neck and neck .. how will it all end?
A with his big move .............. paying the judges electric bill and even offering to pay her rent .. and its over ..
We have a winner!!!! and the crowd goes wild.
(its a sad sad way to look at my love life and its events with in the last year
SAD and very very funny!!!)

I just feel ...

2006-06-26T09:22:00.000-05:00

so naked today. So exposed.
A stayed with me last night. I forgot that it was Sunday night and I volunteered to picked him up. (mostly cause i didnt want him driving around drunk and tired from the beach) We went to bed last night not worried about a thing and this morning i realized It was Monday. DAMN!!! I was left to rush around to take him home before work. It wouldnt have been so bad except, he was being nice and grabbing all my things while we headed out the door and he forgot my cell phone. Now i feel so empty.
So here i am wondering how a stupid cell phone can make me feel as if i missing out. I keep thinking im going to miss an important call or something. An important call that i wouldnt have been able to take even if i had it with me. so why do i feel exposed?
Today is what "the monday's" are all about.
haha ... "the monday's" ........................ i hate that expression. "you got a serious case of the monday's" I'm not sure what movie it came out on .. but it annoyed me then and it annoys me now. and yet i find it funny that it popped in my head today.
Aside from missing my cell phone i feel as if i just finished a boxing match. No correction, i feel as if i just lost a boxing match. My left eye is hurting and almost swollen, my hands hurt, and my knee is sore. what kind of shit did A do to me last night?
Crazy ...............................................

HER world is flat......

2006-06-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

my friend's boyfriend is having trouble. Girlfriend is complaining that he works too many hours. So i ask .. and what do you do? Electrician. Good job? He says, "yes"
I say, "pays well?"
He says, "yes... 20 bucks an hour with a raise coming in a couple of months"
I say, "so whats the problem?"
She says, "he works from 8 am to 8 pm ... sometimes 6 days a week."
I say, "And??? its 20 bucks an hour .. steady work and he doesnt even have a degree? You dont work ... who is suppose to support the two of you?"
She wants him home more.... he says that he cant support her, her son, and himself if he takes a pay cut and other jobs he qualifies for will only pay up to 12 bucks an hour with the same amount of hours.
True ... i agree .. i wish i could find a guy willing to work and can get 20 bucks an hour ----- steady work.
So he pulls me aside .. "what is wrong with her .. am i asking for too much wanting to keep this job??"
I say, "nope ... listen kid .. you've been in the military .. gone to war .. you have seen what the world is on both sides.................. you have been on your own and supported yourself ... you know that only money will make the world go round. SHE ... still believes that all you need is love .. Love will get us through???? Its like the world is still flat according to her .. "
Reality is .. that as much as she wants him to be there with her .. if she isnt contributing to the household .. should she be complaining about the hours he works??
He is going to check out a place that i use to work at ... I was shocked that she supported it ... The company was assembly work .. 12 hours a day .. 7 days a week with only 3 days off a month guaranteed. Good money .. but a hell of a lot of hours .. (the hourly base pay is only a few bucks over min wage.... so it takes all those hours to make the check look good.)
Oh well .. i smiled .. wished him well .. I think she is pissed that i supported him instead of her ..
Girl -------------- stop complaining at least he works ..

Party Party ... Puking....

2006-06-24T12:12:00.000-05:00

what a way to spend a friday night. A girl from work had a pool party. I wansnt planning on getting in the pool. Just some drinks and then head home. Nope arrive around 830 ... buzzed by 9. It was good. Then we went pool side. Water in front of me .. bottle beside me. I got thrown in the pool..............in jeans ... not a nice way to enjoy a pool but okay.
The night continues with water volley ball and drinks. The hostess is drinking her ass off.
She is hot too. Wearing a thin black bikini bottom and a white cut off tshirt with nothing underneath. She is showing it all off and everyone at the party is enjoying. She is drunk. Her hands running all over me. She is straight .. what is it with straight people becoming gay when they are drunk? She starts to kiss my neck and touch me every where ..
Then she steps out of the pool and falls ... down for the count.
I laugh and say goodbye to my buzz. Well it was fun while it lasted.
I get out of the pool and help her to her room. where she stripped off her clothes for me,
Yea like im finding that at all sexy .. i put on the toilet to wait for me to help her shower up .. .when i get back .. she yells at me .."hey dammit .. i poopin"
i laugh .. yea ... what a night. when she is done i help her into the shower ...
she falls .. i help her clean up and put her to bed...
oh what a night ..
oh well .. the rest of us ended the night at IHOP ..

Goin fishin tonight .. woohoo ..

My 2nd attempt

2006-06-19T09:34:00.000-05:00

I am Not Dead

Death exhales his breath on me
He left his horrid stench
It will be months before I live again
But I know I am not dead
The blades of sin have pierced my skin
Allowing the blood of remorse seep down
The continuous beats of hatred
Echo without sound
I gasp for one more breath of air
As the evil is no longer fed
I am weakened to my knees
But I know I am not dead
Death corrupts my thoughts
It taints my every move
It’s no longer worth the fight
If there is nothing left to prove
At times I am over powered
Defeated by the wicked beast
Succumbing to the thoughts before me
He enjoys the psychological feast.
Tempted by the sweet illusions
Prisoner of the life I’ve led
Everyday slowly corrupting
But I know I am not dead.
The stench completely engulfs me
Masked by erroneous perception
Habitually the sin is committed,
Evil awaits his collection.
Erosion has begun with in me
Addictions cover the pain
The glimmering eyes have faded
They have sunken behind the shame.
Adventure opened the door
Compulsion controls my head
Fighting to break the cycle
I know I am not dead.
It will be months before I live again
Yearning for a ray of light
The war may be over
But there’s a battle still to fight.
Courage will lead me forward
Abandonment of the path I’ve led
Struggling for one more breath of air
For I know I am not dead.

Happy Fathers Day!!!

2006-06-18T19:22:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning feeling good. Its fathers day and a week since i last spoke to mine. I hit the shower and dressed. I left early to pick up tacos and see my dad. I figured an hour before mass. it will give us a chance to talk. Tell him how much i love him, miss him, wish we could talk. Our relationship has always been strained but we struggle through it.
Dad, i miss you. I know we can talk at any moment but we never do. Dad, i need you. To know that we arent strangers in the same family. How ever it was that we got here, we dont need to stay at this place, frozen in time. Dad, i need to know that you love me for me. Understand that it actually hurts when i call or stop by to visit you only speak of my half sister. You never ask about me, my job, my life, always about her. How is she, where is she, what does she have to say and when i say i havent spoken to her.. you rush me off as if i was a messenger. It hurts to know that when you do ask about me it always about me having a boyfriend or when am i going to get married. Do i not exist without a boyfriend. Am i not worthy if a guy isnt by my side. I am single and intend to stay that way till i find the right person. Asking what is wrong with me doesnt help things. Do you understnad ... you left my mom before i was born ... was it your intention to also leave me? Its been 28 years dad... can we move on from here. I need a relationship with you. To understand myself more... to complete myself. I have made a life for myself and a good life at that... but i dont want the little time we have left together to be spent so far apart.... can we fix it. It cant be too late....
So many things to say ..... so many thoughts rushing through my head. ....
Not a word was spoken............he wasnt home.
When i finally did find him, he asked "how was Jo". (my half sister) "i dont know dad.. havent spoken to her", i replied.... "oh okay well talk to you later". He hung up ... "happy fathers day"
The cycle continues.
I have felt empty all day. Not too much to do when you cant do anything.

Tips:

2006-06-17T17:46:00.000-05:00

How to keep a guy....................
(to be said right before sex)
Him: should i wear a condom
You: Why, you cant get pregnant from anal

How to loose a guy.................
(to be said right after sex)
There is no easy way to say this .....................
what was your name again???

and so it begins....

2006-06-15T18:24:00.000-05:00

"im getting close," i say.
Trying to whisper in his ear. "keep fucking me, please, im going to cum"
He stops. Pulls away from me and says, "wench, did i say you can cum?"
He is slowly pumping into my pussy, keeping me on the edge.
I look into his eyes, he gives me a slight smile.
"No, my lord. you did not"
He smiles and leans to my ear, "if you want me to stop just say it"
"i will my lord".
He leans over the bed and pulls out a leather whip. "wench you will be punished now."
"yes my lord"
He turns me over and rubs my ass, my pussy is still dripping. He begins to whip the leather against my skin. I gasp. "no sounds wench or i will continue to spank you, do you understand?"
"Yes my lord"
One swat for almost cumming and one swat for gasping. He leans over and kisses my tender skin. "im going to fuck you now, you will not cum until told, do you understand me wench?"
"yes my lord"
His mouth and tongue quickly lick my pussy lips before he pulls himself up and enters me again.
I struggle to keep from moaning. He hears me and swats my ass again as his cock enters my pussy. "No noise!!"
"forgive me, my lord" I continue to feel the whip smack against my ass. Each times a little harder than before.
He tells me to talk dirty for him. "Oh my lord, i love that cock of yours. Please keep fucking me"
I can feel myself getting close again, I ask him to allow me to cum. "no wench!! Its not time"
He turns my body over again and then leans over to pull out a leather stap in which he ties my arms above my head and to the headboard. Then a leather blind fold that he slides over me eyes.
"your pussy is dripping and i can tell you were about to cum, bad bad girl!! your punishment will continue!"
He runs the handle of the whip down my body and then a quick swat to my tummy. He continues this tease, the handle runs over my stomach and then between my breast, he whips, the leather straps hit against my tits. Again, down my stomach between my legs, the whips smacks against my thighs. Then he smacks against my pussy. My clit is swollen. I need to cum.
He begins to fuck me, he pumps my pussy a few times then pulls completely out. Then after a few seconds he plunges into me again. This tease is driving me crazy. Not being able to see, not knowing when he is about to enter me. The sensation is unbelievable. He enters me one more time and i am about to explode, he pulls out and straddles my chest.
"Open your mouth wench, and get ready. When i cum dont let any drip from your mouth!"
"yes my lord" He puts his cock into my mouth and i start to suck him off, then he cums. The taste is great.
After i have swallowed every drop he crawls off me and between my legs. I feel his tongue on my clit. Im about to cum good.
"My lord, allow me to cum"
"yes wench, its time... squirt for me... in my mouth"
I buck my hips as i begin to cum, I squirt into his mouth. He drinks up every drop.
After i am done he licks my pussy clean. And then kisses his way up my body.
His lips meet mine and we kiss. He pulls off the blind fold and unties my arms.
What a way to spend the evening.

Men equal Drama!!

2006-06-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

Topic of conversation? Why are hetrosexual couples more dramatic than gay couples?
I asked, "Gay couples as in two men? because i dont really see too many overly dramatic lesbein couples.. well unless one of the lesbeins is a stripper."
He says, "well yea... cause i see more drama in hetrosexual couples than in all my gay relationships".
I say, "and what is the common denominator?? MEN" there for MEN equal drama.
Okay i know there are always women out there who cause drama but the catalyst is always a man.... i love my theories. heehee
so as we debate this theory while sitting in the middle of IHOP i notice that two tables full of young adults have now stolen our topic of conversation and made it their own. So i in turn i start to talk just a little bit louder in hopes that i can get more tables involved in this subject. I succeeded within 20 minutes i had the servers and two more tables discussing it. And then i change the subject. Completely and without warning. My friends all stared at me. "were we done with the topic?"
I say, "just go with me and talk about this now .. "
it was religion and the catholic stand against gays. We talked .. we debated. we elevated our voices. It was fun. Two tables down, a young couple started an arguement over gays in the catholic church. I laughed. my friends stared at me like i was crazy. I finally whispered to them to just listen to the people around us. We are controlled their conversation and i think thats funny. We laugh.
Then AJ (my best friend) got on my nerves. he cracks a joke about the game of prayer during catholic service. Catholic service??? "ummm AJ, please dont pretend as if you didnt attend church until you were 21. you know exactly what happens during MASS. its not scattagories. Not twister. Its mass."
Why it gets on my nerves. He's 29 and gay. he came out of the closet when he was 22. Lost his virginity and is now a raging whore. But because he is gay is has lost all respect for the catholic church. I get it. Church turns its back on you ... you turn your back on the church. The catch? God still exist and you will stand before him to be judged. he was rasied catholic and even went to private school... how does he lose all respect for the religion he was raised on and the religion of his family? All respect. There is nothing left. I am not judging him, I have my faults and my addictions, I too could be called a raging whore. but i know my faults and i know my sins. I know i will be judged. he has seems to have forgotten that. It gets on my nerves to know that he is worst off than i was on my worst day. He actually schedules his hook ups before getting into town. Needing that sexual high. Whats worst? he uses his sexuality as an excuse to continue that life.
then i remember, Hitting rocks never felt good. I stand and watch him as he falls. he actaully cancelled lunch with me to get in one last hook up before he left back home were his bfriend waits for him.. i hadnt seen him in almost 8 months .. wont see him again for another year. But he needed his fix. So down he falls. the rocks are gonna hurt.
I wonder if he'll notice them when he hits the bottom.

Round 2

2006-06-13T09:44:00.000-05:00

Last night was round 1 of the compitition. We won. It was the first to 8 and we actually went the whole 15 games just to get our 8. It as amazing. A huge rush. And yes yours truly got to win the winning game. I didnt throw the winning dart but my partner did and he deserved it. It was great. I havent felt that type of rush in a long time.
So this weekend went well .. a friend of mine came in for a visit and it was great. Its the kind of friend that you can only appreciate the distance between you while you are together. I know that if we lived in the same city we would not still be friends. We have been best friends since high school. he moved away for college then out of state when he graduated. we email daily and talk once a week. Our friendship is great .. but only because we dont live near each other. If we did i wouldnt be able to stand him. He was here for the weekend.... it was almost to long of a visit.
I am wiped... the game lasted till after midnight and i didnt come down from the rush until 2. Im back at work by 9 .......................its slow and boring.
I get to do it all over again tonight for round 2.

Coffee Bar hoping

2006-06-10T12:07:00.000-05:00

A little different from the usual bar hopping but still entertaining. My cousins and myself had been spending alot of time hanging outfor the last few months. Its always a blast. But in the last couple of weeks we just never had the same time off. Last night we finally got together. Went to dinner and laughed our asses off. Its always so much fun with them. We then went to visit my nephew and make sure he was safe in grandma's hands. My mothers hasnt been around a baby since i was one and that was 28 years ago. So when she babysits i tend to help out for a while. Feeding him and changing him. Putting him to bed. So she gets the easy part of playing with him ... talking to him in the "googoo gaa gaa .... ahhh goo goo gaa gaa" language. He is also ticklish so he laughs and laughs just at the slightest touch of his feet. Im the exact same way. I see alot of my characteristics in him. He is going to be great when he grows up. (hehe)
So then we set off to the tea room. There was a poetry reading going on and we thought it would be different from the usual pool hall and dart bars. We sat.. listened... drank our coffee.. well i drank an orange freezer. Poetry was too intense. But it was good. So we went off to another little outdoor coffee bar .. and we sat ... talked .. laugh .. and got strange stares. We must have been laughing to loud for the other customers. So off we went .. to another little coffee room. Noone there .. so we headed to IHOP for dessert. I am in lust. The waiter is hot. HE seems so shy and quiet mannered. So different from me. Then my cousin starts in on me....
"why is it that we can all hang out and if anything is strange going to happen it is with you ..and directed to you?"
It happens all the time. The story ....
we were driving down the road and a couple of guys pull up beside us .. one leans out of the window and ask ... "so baby .. wheres the party?" i laugh and replied .. "still looking". The light changed to green and we drove away. Another light and another couple of guys .. they pull up beside us .. i make eye contact .. and turn to continue my conversation... They continue to stare at me .. waiting for more eye contact .. then the driver rolls down his window and turns up the bass in his car ... it was a good system so i turn .. make eye contact .. he smiles .. I smile .. the light changes color. We drive away.
On our way to IHOP .. we are driving down a road .. i am looking out the back window and a couple of guys pull up besides us .. the passenger sticks his tongue out at me .. so i stick mine out at him... then he begins to give me a major tongue tease. and i return the favor laughing my ass off.
"did you know him?", my cousin asked.
i ask" who are you asking.... " she says .. "OH ... no ......(looking at me)....you have no right to even ask that question .. of all the things that happen you are the only one who could possibly know them .. or possible be the one they are trying to hit on"
So I laugh .. "NO ... i dont know them .. any of them .. they are just random drivers and passengers of the road .. it makes driving entertaining."
She ask .. "what is it about you that makes guys act that way?.................no one ever tries to pick me up while sitting at a red light... "
my other cousin .."yea me either....no one gives me a tongue tease through his window"
Me, "really ........it happens to me all the time"

Dream Works .. (again)

2006-06-09T10:40:00.000-05:00

Ever feel trapped in a dream cycle. Every night the same theme appears in your dreams. That has been happening to me. I am a true believer that God does speak to us in our dreams and that every dream has a meaning. Now to figure out the meaning or the message. I just cant get it.
It begins with me waiting at a store. My brother and his gfriend appear with the kids. They hand over my nephew and take off to the pool at the end of the store. i slowly walk around the store and make my way to the back room. When i walk in i turn left and walk along the back wall .... there is a pool in the center that my brother and his girlfriend are swimming in along with her son. There is a door at the far end of the room and one to my right. I am now holding my nephew (who is still 2 months old) and talking to him. No wait im talking with him. And i am fully aware that its strange that he can talk since he is only 2 months old. He says something about the weather and i agree. At that moment i realize that there is a gang of men walking in from the far door. I place my nephew in his carrier and scoot the carrier behind my legs in hopes that they dont spot him. Another rival gang is walking in from the door to my right. They are facing each other and now i am completely blocked off from my brother. I am terrified. My body shaking and tears are beginning to form in my eyes. A gun goes off. I hold back my screams. I realize that noone was hit so i pick up the carrier and try to sneak out of the room safely. When i reach the door i turn back to look at what is now an all out brawl. Punches are being thrown knives are swinging and gun are being shot. When i look closer i realize that there are no blades on the knives and the guns dont have any bullets. Also at every punch contact is never made. I thought it was odd and walked out the door. I walked into what i acknowledge as my bedroom and begin to fix my hair. I run my fingers through it and make sure that its perfect. Then when i walk away from the mirror i look down and realize there is glitter covering the floor. I thought about it for a bit and realize that as i am running my fingers through my hair it begins to fall out .... in clumps. All of my hair is falling to the floor. I then fall to the floor craying and yelling. A woman i assume is my mother comes to hold me as i cry and i instantly knew that the time had caught up to me. I thought to myself .. i knew i would loose my hair and the time came that i did. I wasnt crying as to the shock of it all but the timing.
I then woke up.

666

2006-06-06T22:07:00.000-05:00

June 6 of 06.............. any one scared? was anything weird going to happen. It began with a phone call. Exactly at 6 am. the voice was of a man... rugged and deep......
"i need to speak to damion's mother."
Me: "excuse me?"
Him: "DAMIONS MOTHER ... this is important .. the whole hospital is in trouble!!"
Me: "Damion? does he have a last name?"
Him: "Damion!! I need to speak to his mother .. " "your in danger!!!"
Me: "Damion?? im sorry sir .. to locate a parent i need the childs last name"
Him: "your in danger you are all in danger!! the child will harm you"
Me: "sir ... are you aware today is the 5th of june and not the 6th?"
He hung up on me... I got the call on monday.
yup a day early .. it would have been funny .. in fact it was .. even more that he wasnt aware the of the date.

So ...

2006-06-06T21:56:00.000-05:00

I've been spending alot of time with my brother and new nepehew. ALOT of time. I love my nephew... He is the most gorgeous baby ever. But i am starting to get the impression that my brother only invites me over to get a break from the baby. I know its a bad thought. But honestly, he calls me daily. "come see the baby, come have dinner" I walk in the door and he hands over the baby and a bottle. "wanna feed the baby?" "wanna change the baby?"
And i feed him and i change him and i put him to sleep then his its his brothers turn. Time to read or play. Its fun .. i can read all the words in the kids books .. haha .. i become his hero.
I put the jigsaw puzzle together and he is instantly amazed. I wish it was that simple to amaze men.

But im wiped. Babies and toddlers take alot out of a girl.
Work still sucks. Old lady still not on her own... i dont know what to do. And even worse .. she is now getting on my nerves. She is now getting into my things. Looking through my drawers and papers. J is no longer causing trouble which is good and we have actually had 3 conversations that didnt end in an arguement.
A is cool again .. he has let go of the whole poop thing... and is coming over to hang out again.
That is great.
No more dates with "da baby daddy" ---- i guess it just wasnt meant to be. Oh well ...
I am now back in contact with my ex-husband .. he is good... seriously depressed but good.

Fat chics are not graceful.

2006-06-01T18:15:00.000-05:00

I know there may be one fat chic out there who can ballet with the best of them. But in general, fat chics are not graceful. I was watching So you think you can dance. Its my fix now that american idol is over. The auditions are hilarious. One chic who should not have been showing all her stuff ... showed it all. In fact i believe there were two chics showing all of their graces. It was sick.
Aside from that work sucks, and still training the old chic. 4 weeks and still not on her own. How horrible. Today she decided to talk about dentures. DENTURES!!!! really??
Im 28 .. can we choose another topic?
But i couldnt think ... didnt know how to change the subject.
She off tomorrow .. wheeww... not sure i could have taken another day of it.
SERINITY NOW!!! heehee

Dream works ...

2006-05-30T21:08:00.000-05:00

So i woke up this morning completely freaked. I had the most unusual dream.
It started out with me in a classroom with some other students. It begins to rain outside. Then in starts to pour. Heavy rains and the beginning of flood waters. The waters begin to rise and i notice that the building we are in is starting to sway. I begin to freak but dont really say anything, i just wait to see what the other students are doing. The building begins to collapse and i run out. Just as i step out of the building i am now running up steps. I get through the steps and unharmed by the rain. I run into another building just in time to notice that the other students are now following me. The waters are now up to the tops of the steps and the rain is falling harder. Just as some of the other students enter the new building, they are screaming that GOD is punishing us. God is mad. I look out side and the steps are now starting to sway as well. The students that have already made it in are now in a panic... i take a closer look and point to one of the guys and say .. "no its not GOD... he is saving us" "what", he says.
"Look at the steps ... they are clear .. the water is on the side of them..,. God is keeping the water from flooding us. God is not mad!!!"
oddly enough in my dream .. the waters were up to the steps but not covering them. Everyone was able to get across without harm.
So i walk inside, and am now in my old childhood home. I am standing there waiting when i notice two rats now sitting in the middle of the dining room staring at me.
I begin to freak out. (in my dream) so i run into the living room and one of the rats follows me.
I jump onto the couch just in time to notice the rat has also jumped on to me. He bites into my fingers and i cant get him off. I am standing there screaming .. "help me there is a rat biting me and he wont let go!!!" "Help me!!!"
then i woke up!

Sentimental ...

2006-05-25T18:16:00.000-05:00

LIKE A WHORE. haha .. i just thought that was a funny quote

So this weekend is another girls night out. Night in?? going to party at a friends house .. no boys allowed. At least not till we are all drunk and have had our fun with each other. Or so the invite tells me. K called me up .. "are you cumming saturday??" "cumming?? well i didnt know that was an offer but i suppose it depends on how talented your hands are." she says, "well we will just see... plus steph wanted to make sure that you are there"
Woohoo .. steph .. i lust steph. She is a cutie ..
So saturday night we are gonna play some games. One game 'what would you do for a dollar?'
Yea .. thats the name of a game. Everyone throws some ideas into a bowl
Would you suck on my fingers?
Would you lick my thigh?
Would you kiss my stomach?
Would you massage my breast?
all for a dollar (fake dollars).. through out the night the bowl gets passes around and people take turns pulling a piece of paper out of the bowl .. if the answer is yes, then you perform the task on the person who wrote out the suggestion.
Who ever ends up with the most money at the end of the night wins!!!
I cant wait ..

Fuckin SHIT!!!!

2006-05-23T23:30:00.000-05:00

Actual feces ... human fuckin feces .. i cant believe it.
So this morning i get a call from A. "Hello? you just left here."
A: "you'll never fuckin believe what i found in my car:
Me: "what?" "Im sleeping... can it wait?"
A: "Someone wiped shit on my car"
Me: "Someone swiped shit from your car?? what did they steel?"
A: "No ...dammit ... someone wiped shit ... SHIT ... actual fucking human shit all over my fuckin car!!"
Me: "Stop yelling .. what .. shit .. human shit ??? "
then i sit up .. yea im awake .. "What?? on the outside .. or what?"
A: "No .. someone got into my car .. took a fuckin plastic bag .. grabbed their shit and wiped it all over the passenger seat of my fuckin car."
Me: "gross!" "what?" "no seriously?"
He noticed it when he got in .. didnt think i could handle it .. and he was ready to kill someone .It was his sooped up 66 belair. Its his baby .. he drove away .. and luckly had seat covers so it was just a matter of throwing them away. And getting a full detail job to clean up what ever may have seeped through. But how crazy .. no .. how insane does a person have to be to do a thing like that? INSANE!!! human feces
Why'z it alwayz gotta be about SHIT!!!!
I've been up since 630 .. its now 1130 and i am just getting home.. damn i hope tomorrow is a better day.

To the gods .....

2006-05-22T17:49:00.000-05:00

I inhale. The smoke filled my lungs. Theres a burning in my throat.
"Cheap shit", I joked. I passed the joint. He smiled. We laugh.
I lean my head back. Close my eyes. The scent fills the room. I feel the joint upon my lips.
Inhale. My thoughts now swimming, no drowning in my head. Exhale.
I sink into the couch. He smiled. We laugh.
Another hit. Inhale.
I look at the clock, the display is racing off the wall.
Time to head for bed. The room is now spinning.
Seems literal.
Inhale. Am I standing? He smiled. We laugh.
I concentrate on my steps. My feet follow me. The floor is beneath me .. i cant feel a thing.
So simple. He smiled. We laugh.
I fall into the mattress. Inhale.
I can no longer lift my arms. He smiled. We laugh.
"What the hell was in that shit?" He smiled. We laugh.
I hear the echo.
"What the hell was in that shit?"
"What the hell was in that shit?"
"What the hell is in that shit?"
He laughs.
Exhale.
And Im out.

Davinci Code

2006-05-21T16:11:00.000-05:00

Saw it. It was good. I think i now need to to read the book. There was so much to think about when deciding to watch it. Ive watch the shows on the history channel and there is even a class offered at my church discussing the truth about the davinci code. And why its bogus. I like the movie .. i thought there was going to be more to it. It looks like a movie. A mystery at best. Not the mystery of whether its true, but more of who done it. Who is behind the scam. It was a movie.
Oh well.... I will look for the book to read.
this weekend has been pretty slow. Not much more going on. Bhung out with A and then he decided to go fishing.
so i stayed behind to watch some movies. I feel so lazy this weekend.

Game night ..

2006-05-18T22:29:00.000-05:00

15 games in 10 minutes .. now thats a record .. Okay so the other team didnt show and it gave us an automatic 15 games. But we'll take it!
Im sitting at the bar and got hit on .. by a chic .. blond and old.. at least she was warn. It wasnt nice. She was staring at me the whole time i was there. Ive seen her there before and she has even felt me up a time or two. Always claiming to be checking out my shirt .. as she grabs my breast. All i have ever done is take a stand back and look at her as if she was crazy. I knew she was at least drunk. So tonight, she stares at me for about 2 hours and then comes to introduce herself to my teammates. I looked away while she spoke but she made it a point to come to me and talk to me about her nothing life. I didnt care much........... and i thought it showed. She continued to bore me with her unlived life. She is a housewife. Her children are grown, the bar is all she has left when her husband is away. she talked and talked .. all about nothing. I get up to leave, she wants to buy me a drink. i told her i wasnt drinking tonight and was on my way out. She asked to give me a ride... i shook my keys in her face and said no thanks. She tried to walk me out... i slipped away while she went to the bar. Was that mean?
It wasnt her that made me leave .. it was G ..................the most ignorant person i have met while playing on thursdays. The first time i met him .. two season ago, he made a joke about date raping his team mates. I didnt find the humor and told him so. He was shocked that someone had ever stood up to him. I left him speechless and i finished my 5 minute speech on how rape was not a joke and i didnt find the reason for it to be used as one. He said he was sorry and looked at his shocked teammates also staring at me in amazement. i thought the night had been forgotten. It wasnt all that serious .. i made my stand on rape clear .. it wasnt a joke. The end. So i thought ... the next time we played against each other he brought it up again, claiming that he didnt realize people were so serious .. About rape i asked him? yea some people find that rape is a serious issue in america and because of the humor others see in it, it will always be a problem. he told the story to all the people that were not present for it .. the night was over .. and i thought the topic was finished.. until we met again ..
Its been at least 8 months since then and every time i see him, he brings it up. My stand remains. I dont find humor in rape nor do i believe it should be the butt of any jokes. Again tonight he told the story to all who havent heard it. And even to those that were there. He claims that he cant believe i stood up to him. I told him that i did ... and to know that i havent backed down yet .. nor will i no matter how many times he talks about it. When will it be over. The worst part? he makes himself seem like an idiot .. and i find him even more offensive now than before. For every word he says, i find something equally disturbing as the rape joke. tonight it was about homesexuals and how he would kill his son if he turned gay. Ignorance. Pure ignorance. I wanted to tell him to shut up .. but i was too tired.. so i came home.
Nothing going on to hold my interst anyhow. So off to bed and work in the am.
we are now officially in the playoffs.

My attempt ...

2006-05-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

To Poetry ..

Just a whole lot of whirlin and twirlin and spinnin
All around. The chaos...there is no sound.
But there is yellin and howlin and screamin
Echoing within
Lost in the chaos.
None is heard but its makin me dizzy
As it is spinnin and whizzin and passin
through the chaos. Its in my head
and its tickin and thumpin..... Or is it poundin
Out the chaos. Tryin to escape the feelin
of being dizzy.
Is it a feelin or am I touchin or sensin or believin
in the chaos, a perception of reality,
Surroundin me. With all the whirlin and twirlin and spinnin
Makin me dizzy. In my chaos.

Ahhhhhhhhhh ....

2006-05-15T12:23:00.000-05:00

margaritas and Mexico .. what a concept.
mothers day began at 530 am .. only 3 hours after going to bed. Went out drinking with some friends on saturday and had way to much to drink so 3 hours just wasnt enough. But I grabbed the gift i bought mom and headed out the door, i noticed that i hadnt wrapped it ..but there was nothing i could do. i knew if i gave it to her and not mention it she would just say .. "Why didnt you wrap it?" so .. i handed it to her .. said .. "sorry didnt find the perfect wrapping paper ..." she says .. "why didnt you just hand it to me and say happy mothers day?" I never win with her. So off to mexico we went. Along with mom and me .. my brother, his fiance and her parents. Got to mexico and grabbed a margarita... nice way to start the day. (well it was after noon when we finally made it across). So I'm drinking and shopping .. more drinking than shopping . $2 margaritas on every corner and half way in between each corner.
then after a few I realized if i am to be able to walk back to the car i really should stop drinking... or at least eat something which i hadnt done yet. We decided to get back across the border before eating .. which was now 530 pm... i grabbed another margarita while walking to the car ... i think that made it 6 or 9 ... whewww... i could barely feel the floor thats when i realized that i must be drunk...(wasnt too hard to figure out ..since i was still half way drunk when i started the day) Oh well .. i made it home .. and then at 10 off to a friends to drink some more. Im done .. at least until friday .. make that Thursday ...
and Mother had a great mothers day...

Love and Lust

2006-05-13T14:35:00.000-05:00

is the difference between spit and swallow .. at least it may lead to one hell of a stomach ache.
Odd isnt it .. the things that we talk about at work. A girl swallowed her boyfriends juice for the first time in 2 years. Story continued with her waking with a stomach ache at 3 in the morning. Swallow or not to swallow .. her boyfriend loved it .. felt that it brought them closer. Yea to the toliet in which she then spit up the left overs. Completely disgusting .. but funny as hell.
At least she didnt have to get her stomach pumped.
Work is all good again. I received an email in which i was told .. "The rabbit lives ... your not coked up .. haha ... all is clear and done... No more worries." woohoo .. i get to keep working a job that i really wouldnt have missed. I had already put in a few applications and i hope to be interviewed for one.
911 dispatch .. i think it would be great.
Im on the dating scene ..................woohoo .. DATING .. what a concept .. Not dating much .. ive had a lunch date with stu ... that was fun .. great conversation and we are now seeing where things will lead ..(I think) i suppose that schedules are difficult to work around but we have hung out a couple of times since then and have had fun. Waiting to do it again. (stu i know your reading this... so dont get offended)
Experience to remember? ... i found myself uttering the words .. "I knew you had kids .. i didnt know you meant you had your kids..." as in with him ..... on the date ... now that was intersting.
A movie date ....(stay at home movie date) ....... he is a great father .. and cute kids ... toddlers to be exact. Ive heard about the just add father insta family... even seen it being done...
I walked in .. father, kids, and a little dog ... just add me !! No second date .. at least not yet .. im still letting it all settle in.
oh well ... off to see the world.

Sunday afternoon??

2006-05-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

and i am wiped. The last 4 days have really taken its toll. Thursday's drama turned into a 2 hour meeting with the manager. 2 hours of accusing me of being mean. Being controlling, belittling my co-worker. 2 hours of blaming me for being violent. 2 hours of offending my co-workers. 2 hours of lies. I couldnt believe it. I have never been violent in my life. Never thrown a punch .. probably dont even really know how to make a proper fist. I have never swung at any one and never had reason too. Who accused me? J ---- she has worked at my current job for about a year... started about 2 months after me.... disturbing part.. i worked with her at my last job. She followed me here. We have personality clashes.. i know it .. she should know it .. everyone knows it. We had clashes (arguements) at our last job. Seriously getting into stupid overly dramatic arguements that didnt lead to anything. I left my last job... not because of her .. though it was a plus that i would no longer have to deal with her .. but because my current job offered stable hours, and higher pay. She followed. She knew i was working there .. she knew that i was the trainer and would be training her .. she knew that i was liked at the new job... she took the position without complaint... At least no complaint until her first day working with me .. then it was an all out blow out. She accused me of belittling her .. treating her as if she was stupid .. then treating her as if she knew everything .. treating her as if she should know what she is doing and treating her as if she didnt know anything... and reported me ...
Nothing was done because it was a complete lie. She has done it more times than i can count. Nothing is ever done. NONE OF IT IS EVER TRUE. she has had blow out with everyone in the department... though you cant write up employees for having personal conflicts. Nothing gets done. Thursday .. meeting with the manager to confront each other and address the problems. Did it work ... not to me. While she cried for 2 hours, i sat and listened to her accuse me over and over of how i treat her unfairly... i dont treat her like everyone else .. i treat her like everyone else ... i speak loudly to her .. though when i address her i lower my voice .. she just wanted me to treat her like i would the queen. I have a loud voice by nature ... im loud .. in every aspect .. though because of where we work i normally dont talk much .. no one does. We are there to work ... Oddly enough she talks loud as well. She talks from the moment she clocks in to the moment she clocks out. All damn day ... i listened to her accuse me .. i am the reason she is going to need therapy .. and she claims i have always tormented her even at our last job.... ***whistle*** our last job?? .. if it was that terrible why did you follow me? its a reverse fatal SWF kind of drama. i left after two hours .. i thought that would be it .. at least for the week. I was wrong. On Friday I got called into the HR department .. apparently someone called in a complaint on me. (they gave my name) the caller claimed that they had witnessed me doing coke.... COKE???? Oh hell no .. i dont mess with that shit .. NEVER. Im a pot head .. get it straight. Big difference. i understand that i might loose my job because the pot will show up in the DNA test they did on my hair. i will accept that. But COKE??? who the hell accused me of doing coke. Not only that .. their claim was that I coke up before work. I go in at 9 am ... i would have to be really coke addicted to start before 9. Working there a year and a half .. there would have been signs. So i may loose my job. damn ... who could it be .. every sign points to J. That bitch. i will go and talk to HR tomorrow. admit to my pot use and apologize for not coming clean about it friday .. but i will not accept being accused of coke. I cant .. i dont do it ... if i did, i would come clean about that. Now i sit .. wondering where my "friends" are .. not one call asking how i was .. not one person wondering how i was holding up .. i keep thinking its not like someone called me a bitch on the play ground.... i am accused of doing coke and may loose my job .. where are my "friends"? damn ... reality sucks ... then the shocker ... what if it wasnt J. then who could it be .. if i look over my shoulder.. who am i looking for? who would betray me in such a manner? who is the pussy? please come foward and face me ... oh well ... i face my fate on monday and the unemployment line on tuesday .. woohoo ...
**I am now taking applications for a sugar daddy ... please submit your application ASAP***

Awww whatta day ....

2006-05-03T17:51:00.000-05:00

I had jury duty for the last two days, so today was my first day back to work. 47 emails. Can't get through them all. However I had three from the girls that went out with me on Saturday. Already planning the coming weekend. They are ready for some more drinking and dancing. I suggested that we stay at home, rent movies, and get drinks, play games. We will be free to explore alittle more. I think it will be fun. K, my ex roommate is ready. She called me up and said she was hoping for a little more fun than we had saturday but will be ready to "catch up" this coming weekend if not before. I was a little sad at the thought only because i had my eye on her friend S. She was a sweet brunette that i was planning on seeing this Saturday. Even if its a party, i hope to have some alone time with her. Just to see what she is like one on one. K wont like the thought of that. But oh well.... it will all be in good "clean" fun. R is planning on releasing some built up stress... this whole experience with gfriend really took it out of him. Hasnt heard from her since .. no wait .. hasnt spoken to her since .. i believe she has tried to reach him. He just cant deal with it. He wants to get drunk with no worries at all. Im sure getting drunk with 7 chics is what is really keeping him looking foward to the weekend. Too bad all but one are just trying to hook it up with the other chics.
At work, within 10 minutes i was already tired and wanting to go home. Same bullshit drama and nothing ever gets done. It gets really old and really quick. Speaking of old... im training again. I love old people, really I do .. but only in their place. Is that rude of me? She came out of retirement .. she has to be at least late 70's. How am i suppose to talk about sex with my co-workers with her just watching me. I can't be myself .... it really sucks. They expect me to train for 3 weeks with her. Im reading cosmo about how to get the ultimate orgasm and she is just sitting quietly beside me .. i wonder what she is thinking ... (is she getting hints too ... should i let her read it?)
Really i wont make it .. i warned my supervisor that i am a little too crude to be training her .. what if i offend her? My sup didnt care .. they stuck her with me anyhow ..
Oh well ... i guess i warned them .. if i fuck up --- i fuck up ... at least i tried.

Party Got Crazy ....

2006-05-01T20:47:00.001-05:00

Went to Friday's had a great steak. Had some drinks .. There is a drink called the Snagalicious... and it is a wonderful mix of three different vodka's (i think) that taste like a handful of lime skittles. It was good. Downed about 3 or 4 of them then headed out to Strip club. By that time the number of us had jumped from 4 to 8 only one man (R) one of the chics with us is gfriend. Started with shots and everyone got wild. Gfriend is sitting in the corner of the room watching ... I asked if she was okay and she responded, "yea im great i just threw everything up" ... "ummm... okay....." i thought that was an odd response but what ever .. i went back to drinking and having fun.. (not the crazy part) ... girls started flashing everyone .. and dancing along with the waitress and other dancers ... enjoying each other...teasing each other, flirting with each other and exchanged a few innocent kisses..................... then started up a game of motor boat................(okay its not a game .. but it sure was fun) ..........................more shots ..................(not the crazy part) Then decided to head to another bar ... on the way .. cousin is flashing on coming cars and screaming at every man driving by... (not the crazy part) gfriend is scraping her finger nails along her arms staring off into space mumbling to herself .........(the beginning of the crazy part)................................ Got to the bar .. some more shots ............................. more dancing .........................
Then i get a tap on my shoulder .................... a beautiful blond ask if she can talk to me..... i get up and notice gfriend is crying at one of the tables ... screaming that she is a bad girl ......................looking for something to hurt herself .................(this is the crazy part).....she is sitting there scraping her fingers on the table ripping through the cloth. All i could think to do is pull her out of the bar............... she is screaming that she was bad and needed to be punished... (not the flirty "spank me im a bad girl" kind either.) As i looked at her she has a glazed look in her eyes banging on the wall. Is she drunk? Only had two drinks .. i dont know at that point. Her bfriend (R) comes out and starts to talk to her ... i go inside to apologize to the blond. ... she tells me that while sitting there gfriend was flirting with her asking if she wanted to have a threesome with her and her boyfriend .. the blond kindly turned her down .. and then as if a finger snapped gfriend started to yell and call herself a badgirl. I said i was sorry and bought her a drink for being so kind.... i walked outside R is just staring at her ... she is crying and hitting on him ... i walk over to hear the conversation .. "he raped me he raped me ..." i look at boyfriend and tell him, "make the call or I will" Me and R have both worked for a psych hospital .. we are aware of the behaviors .. we both knew she wasnt drunk... the moment the word was out of my mouth as if another finger snap she says, "No im fine .." (no more tears and she is now a good girl) "Im fine Im fine .. they cant know they cant know .." (okay i dont know who they are but they cant know) "R make the call or I will" she screamed at me and then started to swing her arms at me ... "dont take me back .. they are just going to drug me"
Me "make the call or I will"
R to gfriend... "willingly or do we have to call the cops" she went in willingly ... when she got into the car she turns to R "i told you i was crazy" me and R looked at each other a little weirded out .. i told him i would meet him there in a few minutes.
I got to the hospital along with all the other chicas and waiting for R ... when all the papers were signed we headed to IHOP to settle for the night. Found out she has been admitted before and has a family history of mental illness ... she was on meds for different treatments... She had been hospitalized for mental behaviors and was released on the agreement she would get help. (she didn't get the help .. never told R her situation) On the drive R looks at me and says "if a girl tells you she is crazy what would your thought be?" I say ... "cousin crazy .. she drinks too much and flashes all kinds of men walking down her path..........." he says "Thats what i was thinking too ... when she told me i never thought committed to a psych hospital crazy"
we both smiled and went in for breakfast.
My saturday night was "Crazy"

damn im pooped ...

2006-04-29T17:54:00.000-05:00

my 1st day working out .. yup i joined a gym... i figured i could use some toning up as well as shedding a few pounds .. damn i am pooped. I went in hopeing to get some cardio .. 1st machine ... stair stepper .. wrong move .. 3 minutes into it .. my legs wanted to clapse from under me .. well i forced in 10 minutes then moved to the treadmill .. got about 20 minutes .. or so .. did pretty good .. i guess ...
then worked my legs ..
Suppose to head out with R and gfriend .. i hope he is ready to carry me .. my legs feel like jello .. luckily we are headed for dinner and then a strip club .. so i can just lay back and chill while watching naked dancers ..
aside from all that .. dad is really pissing me off ... he decided that he would brag to his son on how he took care of his youngest daughter... (my half sister ... 10 years younger than me) sent her a 17 thousand dollar check for back child support ...
okay the problem .. he had 4 children with my mom and never sent child support ... rumor has it that he has two other sons .. somewhere in the world .. maybe mexico .. maybe north texas .. some where .. didnt support them either .. so why 17 thousand to her? well cant say .. but the rest of us .. my sibling and myself are a tad bit upset ... we are all adults we know .. but maybe if he had paid child support we could have gone to college instead of working right out of high school .. maybe we could have done more activities ..instead of being limited to the ones that are free... maybe we could have had better clothes in school....actual basketball shoes for my games ..
.. too late to complain .. but it is still bothering me ..

oh well im off for some steak and titties

Happy Anniversary .. !!!

2006-04-26T05:17:00.000-05:00

1 year .. since my divorce. okay so not really a happy occassion. But an anniversary none the less. A divorsary. The last year has been a train wreck... After my divorce L stepped into my life. fell in love with him instantly. Love at first sight and i didnt even believe in that. well when that ended with a note on my couch saying he was leaving .. P stepped up to plate but he went off for work just a couple of months ago. Odd thing is .. not one fight .. not one arguement .. no major disagreements.. just splitting up. Relationships end. Are relationships coming with expiration dates now? Stay together a few months and move on. Sadly enough its not even moving on to something better.. just move on. L decided that he may still care for his X but never picked things back up with her. So he is single .... and apparently depressed about the whole situation. On occassion i get a text message or an email saying how much he missed me and he still loved me. P just decided that he no longer like corpus .. so he moved to another state... oh what fun. havent heard from him in about 4 weeks .. so im not really sure how he is.. good i can only hope. My ex husband .. well even as great friends hasnt called in about 3 months. Didnt even say goodbye. I know its weird .. he is my ex-husband .. why would he say goodbye? well we were best friends .. from beginning to well apparently now the end. Stayed friends through the divorce and after. When his mother became ill .. i helped him get to indiana. Stayed in touch up until january. He said he would call me back .. and well that was the end of it. Nothing more.. nothing less. Just nothing at all. Expirations??.... its sad. A friend of mine called me up .. she is engaged. known him for 8 months.. and ready for marriage .. but she worked it all up in her head.. they will move in together in a month or so .. see how that works out. If and she stressed .. IF they make it .. married in 2008. if not oh well .. no big loss. No big loss? what is wrong in society today .. are we just blind to commitment? why are we so open to change and the idea of short term affection? Short term love?
if it works good.. if not .. oh well .. just move on to the next love of my life..
cause really .. its only the first marriage ..
its the third one that matter.. how does the saying go .. third one is the charm?
Short term love... well happy divorsary.

"I'm Looking for Cock...."

2006-04-25T21:29:00.000-05:00

"ummm I'm sorry?"
"cock .. to fill my holes......."
"do you mean Caulk?"
"yes thats what i said .. cock"
being in a hardware store is so confusing.. but at least he had a sense of humor and only laughed at my cousin for a bit. I laughed my ass off. It was the funniest thing... imagine she is about 5'1 itty little thing .. looking all confused and lost .. and what is the first thing she says .. "i'm looking for cock" "I need cock" oh .. it was funny

after that we headed to watch a play preformed by middle school kids. On the Holocaust. It was an original preformances and it was amazing. There is so much talent in these kids. Another cousin's daughter is about 12 now and she has shown so much talent. I am impressed by these kids.

Have you read it?

2006-04-24T00:42:00.000-05:00

Huanted by Chuck Palahniuk

Its the first I have heard of him. First I've heard of this book. I am half way through it and already amazed at the detail and talent of this writer. Its gross yet unbelievable. Its a train wreck you can't stop looking at. Everytime I put this book down I am forced to pick it up again just to see what else he has imagined, what else has been printed on these pages? What else could these characters do to each other and to themselves. The characters make me feel sane.. I love it.

One line stays in my mind. (this isnt really a blog about the book .. but more about my thoughts)

"The difference in how you look and how you see yourself

is enough to kill most people"

Its a scary thought. I find that most things that people would love to change are the hardest to accept about themselves. Too ashamed... to far into denial or just simply scared of themselves. Its enough to kill most people. the path of how you portray yourself and who you are never seem to meet. Always spending your time running from yourself. If i were to watch myself or my life on video i too would freak. I know what i am, who i am .. but still i have only come to terms with it recently. Before i could change i had to first accept. I am an addict. I have an addictive personality and compulsive behaviors. i am random in my thoughts and weakened by my passions. least likely to make commitments and yet im loyal to my addictions. (loyal to my addictions?? sounded good in my head. i suppose its the loyalty that transforms into an addiction) At least I am no longer running.

Lesson for STU

2006-04-24T00:20:00.000-05:00

Ready for the excitement? Ready to learn all that my world offers?

It is Me, KayLa. Keeper of the keys.

The keys that would open a whole new world for you. Are you ready? Can you handle it?

What is it that you are here for? What is it that you would like to learn? Do you have anything to offer for my lessons? What will I gain if i take you under my wings? Teach you? Mold you? Create you? A sacrificial offering as if to give up the virgins to the lords in hopes to keep them calm and happy

.. what would you give to Me, KayLa ---- the key to your future?

**wink wink**

Group Masturbation.....

2006-04-22T20:00:00.000-05:00

He came over thinking he would get laid. They met on the internet. It was a swingers group for the locals. They IM-ed about what she would do to him once he arrived. There was no reason to think he wouldnt get laid. I walked in the door to see them comfortable in the living room. He sitting on the floor against the couch and she was laid across it. Her boyfriend, asleep in her bed. I said my hellos and offered them privacy by heading to my room. I just got off a 12 hours shift, not in the mood for much but some bed time. I kicked off my shoes and then heard a knock on my door. There he stood wanting me to spend some time with them. "them" she was my roommate .. we both enjoyed each others sexual addictions and loved to have fun .. He a stranger i hadnt even heard his name. I sat on the floor with my back towards my bedroom door .. about 10 ft from the two of them. She gives me a look. She's ready to play. I ask what he was wanting from the night. What was he expecting. he smile and i knew it was sex. So i suggested a game .. he would be in total control except for one thing. She took off her halter top and covered his eyes. I explained that the way the night ended would depend on him. He quickly became excited and she laid there with only a black lace bra covering her 36D tits. I asked what he would like now that he has two women surrounding him .. one already half naked. He confessed his fantacy of watching 2 girls together and then being invited to join in. Thats when i took my cue to fill in the blanks.
she began running her finger nails across his skin as I began my story. As roommates we have often been left with nothing more to do than drink together and watch movies. Sometimes those movies are very sexual. Its pretty hard not to get turned on especially when you love cock the way that we do. (she gives me a smile ..i know she is starting to enjoy it too) i can tell his cock is beginning to rise as her hands caress his body and he starts to picture us together. I continue, there have been times when we simply cannot resist .. it starts off with giggling .. a sign that we understand to mean that one or both of us are really turned on. Then moving closer we begin to kiss and fondle at each others body. Its easy since we have talked about what we both enjoy sexually i know that kissing and sucking on her tits is a huge turn on for her. I know that a gentle bite on her nipple makes her pussy wet. At this he let out a small moan .. i asked if he would like to stroke his dick while i tell the rest of my story .. he said yes and undressed, He also took this chance to pull off the blind fold .. i guess he wanted to see all of the action that was about to take place. He cock stood fully erect and he took it into his hands. She came to sit closer to me after pulling off her bra and jeans .. I pick up the story.. After sucking her tits i start to stroke her cunt, i can feel the wetness on my fingers. It feels great. I bring my fingers to my mouth just for a small taste. She spreads her legs for me and i begin to eat her pussy. Her hand slips between her legs and i can hear that her pussy is already wet. He is jacking off and i can tell his dick is starting to swell. I can feel her pussy starting to cum as i tongue her hole and suck on her clit. she bucks her hips towards my face and comes a second time. Once she has caught her breath she pushes me to my lay on my back and climbs between my legs. She has pulled out a dildo and i can hear it begin to humm...my pussy is already wet and she easily slides it into me. She licks and sucks on my clit as she pumps the dildo into my pussy and begins to fuck me with it. He starts to pump harder .. his breath getting shallow and quick. She too is starting to finger fuck her pussy and is moaning. I conclude the story .. My pussy started to pulsate and i began to squirt as i came. I'm moaning and pushing in towards the dildo coming again and again as my pussy squirts its juices. She is covered in my cum and begins to lick it up and clean my pussy. I bring her face up to mine and kiss and lick her gently i can taste my pussy from her lips.
He begins to to cum and his moans are joined by hers as her pussy cums on her fingers.
I leave them to calm their breathing slip into my room. I can hear them talking about thier experience, clean up and say their goodbyes. He walked out the door and she snuck into bed with her boyfriend still sound asleep. I laid in bed thinking of how I controled the night and he never even objected. I fingered my pussy to orgasm. It was a good night.

"Dude are you spooning me?"

2006-04-21T22:47:00.000-05:00

okay so not exactly spooning....... **wink wink**

I have been told that i am sometimes crude. Say things a little mean... but when i felt his arm around my waist .. i couldn't think of anything else. i felt the weight of his arm and i freaked. Okay i didnt just freak... i had a panic attact. Can you imagine? my heart started racing .. i could no longer breathe .. all because he started spooning me during the night. i think he was offended .. but i figure .. just because A has been staying with me doesnt make us a couple. Right .. Spooning is a couple thing .. lets not get confused. We both fell back to sleep.
I have to work all weekend. and go to graveyards... i hate graveyards.. but ill live.
But its time to head for bed ...

Hotness increases with drunkeness

2006-04-20T19:11:00.000-05:00

So R keeps wanting me to join in with him and gfriend. She is not hot .. and i dont believe that there is enough alcohol that can change that. NOT HOT! not even cute .. okay .. i know --- who am i to judge right. Im 5'10 brn hr/brn eyes hispanic with shoulder length wavy hair .. I am not a model .. but i have never had complaints made about my looks (or my talents). I have had my share of guys, chics... and yes even strippers. I dont need to stoop that low. I can't do it... she just doesn't do it for me.
It started up again when R sent me an email .. they headed out to cheeta's for some saturday night fun. Apparently Gfriend was trying to seduce a chic into sleeping with her... so the story started out. R claimed that there was another couple and things didnt work out since the guy was not into swinging. Later i found out that the couple was a dancer giving a dance to a customer whom she didnt know. (R is not a good liar........and i can always get the real story after a couple of questions) Gfriend was making a play for the dancer and got shot down .. now they want us all to head out this coming saturday for some fun and another shot at the dancer. It is true that i have been able to take home dancers before .. but i just dont think i can do it when that is the main goal of the night. I dont work that way. but then again .. i was told that even if we dont get another chic involved that we would still have fun with each other... damn i need another shot of tequila while i think about it. More Vodka!! More Jack!!!!!
But then again ...........going out for some fun sounds pretty good .. i just need an out for the end of the night .. so they can go off with out me. woohoo.

"It wasnt the helicopters ...

2006-04-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

It was beauty that killed the beast."
yea .. i watched the 3 hour movie... Why? because A was so into watching it and so excited that i went out to rent it .. he was a giddish school boy .. and i figured renting it before buying it sounded like a good idea just to make sure that he liked it. did it matter? i hated it .. i mean really ---dinosaurs? A loved it .. but then again he has seen all the old films in black and white and he thought it was the greatest. I have never seen even one of the King Kong Movies. (is there more than one .. i dont even know)
After taking a week off we are back to a daily. Not a couple .. thank goodness .. not ready for couple hood... but back to a daily with A.
okay so on to more important things...
A friend of mine who is very religious and goes to church regularly is having marital problems. Not sure what she should do .. the problem is .. (and i find this is very common with couples who start bible studies) ... that her husband no longer helps around the house and is very dominant. Now why is that? Bible study should make a couple more respectful towards each other and more willing to help each other in need. three of the 4 couples that gathered together on Mondays are having this problem... I went into this group already divorced but i went through it as well. Seems that since the bible teaches different scriptures on women being submissive and men the head of the house, men begin to change. Readings that state "if the woman is to learn .. let the man teach her". Okay i've read these scriptures .. i get it. I understand how men can let it go to their heads.... but really .. Men dont take it literally.
It causes problems......Okay i've met her husband .. and he takes the scripture way to literal... if the woman is to learn .. let the man teach her... the problem with this is that the man should know and understand before he "teaches" his woman. If the man hasnt a clue .. the woman should teach him.
we have had our friendly "discussions" in which i tell him that he is completely wrong about what he is talking about .. and i have yet to be invited back for group discussions .. (he doesnt take corrections well) but i think (and i told her) that the bible is a guide to life .. its Life.. for dummies. understand that it is inspired by the Word of God but it is not God's word. It is still written by men and those teachings are to be used for good not evil. Being submissive to man doesnt mean to do as he says .. The way i see it .. its okay to let the man wear the pants in the house ... just be sure to control the belt that holds them up.

Dirty White Boy ...

2006-04-18T18:08:00.000-05:00

He says, "Tell me you want it!"
I say, "Oh yes i want it"
He, "tell me you like it"
I, "oh yes i like it..."
"tell me you need it .."
"Yes i need it!!"
"tell me I have the biggest cock you've ever had!"
I say, "Banana! Banana"
Every one needs a safety word!
Oh well.... so I was asked if A was dirty white..im not sure what that meant so my response was "well .. he is a little kinky .. loves anal .. but dirty .. i dont think that he is." maybe it wasnt the best thing to say to my mother .. but then again she asked.
I figure she meant if he was trailor park white ... "no i suppose he is not .. he comes from a wealthy family who drank themselves out of the will. but he does well for himself .. "
so the joke for the night .. was dirty white ... and we drank shots all night in celebration of the dirty white boys of america ...
he says ... "dirty white .. nahh ... i just like it a little rough .. but nothing that leaves bruises. At least he can laugh at the joke.
He still wants to watch King Kong ... i think if i wait long enough he will forget about it ..
at least i keep hoping.

Sleep is good ..

2006-04-17T17:23:00.000-05:00

Monday morning .. and my family has made its way back home.. This week has been filled with so much and yet we never have enough time or things to do. Since my sister has been here its been going here going there .. starting our days at 7 in the morning and ending after midnight .. today we had our goodbye breakfast and i was back in bed by 1130 .. damn i love sleep.
Easter was great .. very very busy .. i got to bust the pinata .. and that started a whole 30 minute discussion on .. "what kind of sick freak created the pinata, no really ,.. you would have to be sick to say .. hey lets create a paper mache (sorry cant spell today) bunny and cover it with creap paper fill it with a ton of candy .. hang it from a tree .. give a kid a stick .. blind fold him .. spin him around till he gets dizzy .. and tell him to start swinging... then let a ton of other kids run into the war zone to grab at all the candy that falls .."

its fun .. an luckily noone got hurt this year...
my family has grown .. from 5 members to 12 ... and we now have a branch on our family tree .. my brother at 36 has finally done his job and the Perez family will not die off .. (i have two brothers and my dad was an only son .. so the family name was dependent on them to keep it striving .. for a while we were worried that they would never settle down and start a family)

I took a couple of extra days off so now i must find something to fill the void ..
A wants to watch King Kong .. so maybe tonight ..
but only after we go drinking .. time for some alcohol ..